Today was exhausting, but productive!

I got the accounts for all of Stevenson's electronic fares up and running, got to my class syllabi, got to the schedules, confirmed that I should be A-okay to take my second class, got a chance to pop open the books and start browsing into them and having a head-start look at my work for week one (my ambition is to have my first week's worth of work done before week one starts so I can spend the week getting ahead on week 2 and job hunting). I also may not be done with my room, but I did a lot of cleaning and some reorganizing, and it's done wonders for making it look and feel cleaner. The desk needs an overhaul but without a trashbin and permissions to use it, I'm not entirely certain what more I can do.

Productivity feels good. Tiring, but good. I just wish I didn't keep feeling this urge to nap around dinner time.

It could have to do with how I can go to bed late or not sleep well, and I'll still wake up at 7 AM. Go back to sleep, maybe, but I still wake up feeling restless at 7 AM.

Today: See above.

Tomorrow: Read first chapter of both books, start into assignments, and The Day of A Million House Chores.

I'm really starting to think I am making a right choice with this new degree direction I'm contemplating. I'm enjoying the work so far (though I'm trying to remind myself that this is how I react to most introductory level courses for material) and it's interesting. It seems like it requires thought and planning, but that it is also a bit straightforward and by the books/numbers, which makes it manageable. So far I seem to be doing well with the work, and I'm enjoying the study time with Tabi. I think it's a practice that bears repeating, though our communication and planning regarding time management might need a little work. I feel like the time with the call earlier got away from us.

Today: Class prepping room, schedule, books, getting class info, and job hunt.

Tomorrow: More of the same, mostly. Also, hoping to start into my classwork early, and get a head start to keep me ahead of the curve.

Bleh.


BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEH.

I seem to be having arguments with no real reason with people today. My one with Tabi earlier was largely in part because she was concerned for me and trying to be helpful and perceived an attitude I was in no way trying to put off (or aware of anything similar to going on in my head). Of course, my poor kitten being exhausted, it only made things worse when she picked this up and I started to pick up on her getting defensive about it. It's sweet to think she really was concerned of me keeping hydrated, if I had hoped that was the sort of thing she'd trust me a bit more about.

I also went back and forth unusually much with my dad in the car, despite that I mostly did well.

Makes me almost wonder if somethign was up and I just didn't notice.


On a better note, I'm loving this OMIS stuff, and dual-homework doing was fun. It is gonna be worth repeating, I think.

Yayz. <3


Tomorrow: heavy duty prepr for classes.

I've had a song stuck in my head all day.

Not even a great song.

But it's wedged in there pretty tight. I can't decide if I'm amused and closer to a state of staving off chuckles every time it bubbles up again... or if I need to get a screw driver and get it out of there. @______@

Today's had some interesting food for thought. I was apparently being vague to Tabi in a way that bothered her, when I thought I'd been very direct- we'd in conversation had her ask what was wrong, as I seemed bothered, and I admitted to something. Only later, she brought it all up again and seemed entirely surprised that it was bothering me. I thought we'd been fairly explicit speaking over it earlier, but she'd come out confused. Chances are I've done the same at times, but it was still an interesting eye-opener. How often am I vague or inexplicit when I think I'm being very straight? How blunt does one need to be?

I suppose, as much as is necessary to make sure the point comes across and everyone can be on the same page.

So kitten and I have study plans for tomorrow, of a sort.

It's actually an exam, and while I do want to help her with it I think I need to reevaluate how I did last time. Sure, it was only a quiz, but I wasn't just posing her questions, but trying to lead her to the answers and help out directly. Which, when in an exam is... sorta cheating. So I need to figure out a different way to go about this.

I've never had a study group be at all successful, or really done much work with tutors or tutoring, so this is a new thing for me in some ways, the team study stuff. In some ways it's fun and works if we kind of make it a game of figuring it out and just a challenging thing we can both wrack our brains on a bit. But I like the dynamic and want to continue being a part of her studies, even if I'd probably have to reinvent the system once I get down there. So I'm going to have to figure out a way to refresh my economics skills and to make our team dynamic studying stuff work out a bit better. Besides, once I get good at helping her, she can help me the same way. Looking forward to that.


Tomorrow is job hunting and readying my pre-class stuff.

It is not Friday.

Friday.

Friday.

>:{

It feels like having the same conversation over and over sometimes. We never really have hard and fast answers to some things, many of them. It's hard to. A lot of life's questions don't come with material quantities and answers. It's  Guesswork, emotion, thought, values, and abstracts. Speculation and planning. Hindsight and want. So maybe it's natural that we cant' get solid answers but... it feels like we keep going in circles.

It's frustrating, especially since with as upset as I can get in these, stressed and worried, especially since we seem to have them all when I'm dead tired, I remember mostly what is said but how it's put and the actual implications all blur together. I can remember the basics enough to know the arguments back track plenty though. If they are even really arguments.

Now, this I know isn't entirely true- perhaps partly though- but many times it feels like Tabi has already decided in her head, maybe only subconsciously, what the outcome should be, or she wants, and tries to lead me by the hand to different extremely specific questions, replies, or statements. Like there's a script and she's trying to coach me to it subliminally. Sometimes she can come off like that, and with how her mind can go in so many directions so well all at once, I wouldn't doubt she does it from time to time, but I'd never have thought it more than a minor and occasional thing accidentally slipping in if she hadn't admitted to trying to coach me to one question earlier... only for it to feel afterwards like she was frustrated at poor luck trying to coach me toward the right details behind it.

A silly though, I'm sure, but they often seem less a "let's find a solution of some kind" talk or a "getting things off our chests and expressing our thoughts" talks, and more like she's driving for very specific, narrowly defined goals.



...in any case, been looking over the supply chain management stuff, and I'm thinking of looking into the processes specific companies use as well, since often if the work is toward a good goal, the method can mean as much for my enjoyment as the subject. After all, were I to brush back up on my accounting, I could enjoy even just balancing books. Not as much luck finding that so far, unsurprisingly, but taking specific examples of class work or sample questions could do some aid, so I'm thinking I need to dig into the powerpoints again and maybe do more academic research into it.

I also need a plan to help her with these discussions, and to land a job ASAP. I keep trying to plan it, but I'm not making any headway today. Which makes sense. I was deprived of sleep yesterday, and I only got three hours for all of today. Pretty sure I'm behind more than a full night's rest in the past three days, and I can kind of feel it causing a drag on my thinking. If she can cope high functioning and clear for more than short bursts in these kinds of conditions, I don't know how. I'm doing the best of it I can for her but it only goes so far.

We're only as strong as we need to be... so when we need to be stronger...


I don't know.

I feel like I am growing stronger, more capable, tougher, smarter. Fixing my issues and or depression. Only it seems like it's all sinking me into a different kind of pit. Not depression but... I dunno what. And I can't help but think... haven't I already not been as strong as I needed to be more than once now?

I'm not going to ask if I can trust myself to be when the times comes.

But I wish I knew how I could prepare myself to be ready for it without a doubt. We both have enough doubt right now.

Tired.

I'm definitely taking the melatonin tonight, maybe even two of them, but I need something to do either besides that or along with it. I don't doubt I'll wake up early tomorrow. Randomly, I've been waking up nice and early the past few days. The issue is getting up before I need to do anything and being worn through the day. It's a long day from 7 AM anyway, but the stress and time change and any missed hours aren't helping. I'm wondering what tricks there are that I'm missing that make dealing with that missing sleep so much more possible and effective. I can't be the only one feeling this, yet it seems like I'm usually the one running around starting things with a small debate or placeholder for what's coming up, organizing for bigger things rather than doing. That could be sheer frustration too, or my eagerness to have job and or classes pick up ASAP. It will be very nice to have something to do again. I've had goals, so I'm really hoping I can quickly orient myself to just carry a class focus with my goals.

Hopefully this shift and help with the exhaustion will also mean a shift in date night activities. I love the ones we have now, but I feel terrible when I end up exhausted and not contributing to them well. I just need to make sure my sleep comes hard and early, and my work does too. If I really organize my days around sleep and ass kicking early morning, this looks very doable to me.

I just wish that I didn't get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, now and again, that someone doens't have the same kind of faith. Heck if I know who though.

But I hope to prove them wrong, though, whomever they might be.

Is it silly to be this excited that I might take a little time tonight to watch my kitten play Dragon Age, and see what kind of character and decisions she makes? That kind of thing is just fun, to watch other people, especially her, in the process of creation or discovery. They get excited, they express themselves, they do the unexpected- play styles will differ drastically and express feelings towards what's going on as well as personality. It's a great fun to watch.

Also discovered there's a new Muppet's movie growing up. This is a strange thing for me- it's a Muppet's film coming out when I know of them and have freedom enough to enjoy it, as back in my childhood I didn't know about them, and if they were on TV it was on channels I simply wasn't shown. So while they are a nostalgia pack for most people, and a beloved symbol of childhood... they're just sorta fun for me. And that's all. I feel like I'm really missing out, especially considering how great some of it seems. Not sure how I feel about that.

Thought I guess I DO have Samurai Pizza Cats and A Goofy Movie. So there.

Also no sure why I stopped morning messaging my kitten. That is a lot of fun. Texts to say good morning. I should learn more German though. She really likes the German. I guess I should be happy she sees it as pretty too, instead of thinking it's ugly and just trying to force French on me (not that I don't hope to pick up a tiny smattering of it).

*puffs cheeks*

Dying internet is stupid.

Stupid dying internet eating my blog posts.

*unhappy sounds*

So I got to do a tour of bus routes to and from several places today. Go figure I was learning to spot them while driving down Reisterstown, which is not quite as nice as some of the other roads I've been on, even the bigger ones. And by nice I mean there are more, crazier drivers, and more places they're coming and going. But driving did go fairly well, even if I flipped a bit when I saw how part of the rear right light's protective outside had been smashed off and suddenly feared I'd somehow smacked or scraped something hard and been SO OBLIVIOUS as to miss it happening. Instead someone apparently caught it while it was parked around Monday, and decided they'd rather not leave their insurance information.

Also, took my father to Home Depot before we came home. He wanted to buy pea gravel to put around the new AC box to help keep bees from nesting there and such, and likewise wanted to check out lumber to work on building bunks for the camp... it was strange how he looked like a kid in a candy store checking out lumber.

Tomorrow: Driving.
Aaron.
Father's day.
Date night.
Reading up on interview and exercise books.

Busy as hell day.

First of all- I went to the bank. And prospects look good! They want me to talk to them more before I have a real interview, to hear about how the job works, requirements, all of that. It's a bit harder to get into in so far as they ARE going to be trusting us to handle a lot of money, but the fact that so far they seem very interested in me....

Also nice to see the library again, even if I didn't end up stopping in to get anything. I took the bus back and helped the neighbors haul some new furniture inside.

Hope I can get this job. It seems really nice, pay is good, and the experience seems solid. Time is an issue but I believe I can find ways to work around it yet. Safe, good looking on a resume, well paying, and something that uses my brain rather than my body. This could be a big change in a good direction compared to what work I've had so far, not that I've had the worst of jobs by a long shot. It'll top working at Dominos, certainly. And I can stop at the library to or from.

To do list:

Driving tomorrow morning. Practice parking, backing up, and difficult turns.
Start remembering to send texts, including good morning text.
DO NOT FORGET THE TEXTS.
Finish off work on Aaron.
Phone Dominos and harass them.

Figure out something to add to the letters.
Start reading interview or work out books.
Find an activity to do with family.

My mind has been strangely focused on the RP today. Not focused-focused I guess, because I haven't made any posts or done a lot of it in a while. Just a quiet craving to RP, and little scenes or ideas skittering across the back of my head or... ummm... mental peripheral? Something equivocal to the peripheral vision of my thoughts. No random inspirations for new characters so far though, but I have plenty of little sparks of thought for what I could do with the twins in the short term, or the plot I should start running along with Rayner and Celeste. Probably better to not be starting new characters anyway.

Now I need to figure out how a mental peripheral works.

Done: Call bank and find a bus-route to drop application off there.
Rereading some of my driver's manual.
Calls to there and Pizza Hut. Still no interview, but not turned down- I might have to harass them more to Saturday.
Working out.

Money is tighter than I realized.

And time is an issue.

I have options, lots of them- there's plenty of places around and I'm starting to get my feelers and out and figure how to get them to take applications, and given the variety stretching from part time hiring at Dominos to how we have Ritas, Giant, Mars, Blockbuster, and on down the list right here, I'm fairly positive I can get a job. Craigslist is helping too, but it's a matter of finding ways to get places and get out my feelers... and to get them to do the actual hiring sooner than in two weeks time. For the time before then... I have options, and one of them will be hard work but 100% doable. It's figuring out how to go about getting the income from the others to cover immediate cash needs that will be tricky. As soon as I do get that start going we ought to have some solid hielp covering up until we get the steady income.

Just a matter of having to get used to looking where ever they'll take me for it.

To do:
Job hunting, Email to Doctor Sevick about classes from Stevenson, check over of courses from SELU, check for a temp agency in the area, and contact Mr. Bouchard about possible weekend work.

Pursue potential for paid yard work in neighborhood.

I've had a funny thought. I really don't think I have the time to do it, but, I must admit I'm extremely tempted to get a second blog/journal area ready and play through Dragon Age a second time as Tabi does- get us each to keep a journal of our characters experiences. Of course, the issue with this would immediately be that I'd risk giving her spoilers. I know enough of what goes on that while there are many alternative choices and surprises left, I don't think I'd feel like spoilers could really change the experience much for me.Not that I'd ever expect to finish again if I did- it's a long ass game.

A long ass, wonderful game.

It will be amazing to see her play it out, however. I am curious about that. Maybe I'll do it for Dragon Age 2, but given how it half-crafts the character ahead of time, I'm not really convinced it'd work the same.

I might try that for RP characters sometimes, it's a neat idea. Only the main candidate is Rayner and...

Well...

Yeah..........

That'd take a lot of convincing on Cel's part.

Done: Some exploring and jobhunting, but it is not finished.

One application turned in, waiting for response call.

Got the info from Stevenson. And feel silly.

To Do: Much the same.

Get the webcam.

Cleaning and organizing.

So I'm unreasonably frustrated by one thing- I could have sworn I was set for my job, only to find out too late that the manager hadn't checked up on his applications yet. It could be because they're swamped and it sounds like he's had to do some of the manual labor, but come on. I went in there twice today, and called ahead, following instructions on how to get this to go through, and everyone has something different to say about it. I suppose there are other local opportunities I might like even better than working in the restaurant, things I'm more familiar with or desk jobs. Possibly better pay and the like, or places I can get work experience that will look more useful than making pizzas.

We'll see though. Walk-around time is coming.

Tabi and I are also... taking things well. We're apart again, and I have to admit, it's made me sad. But it hasn't made me cry more than I did just after she'd left sight in that red car. I haven't moped or collapsed except for a nap yet. And she's been holding up amazingly too. I think my trick has been keeping busy. It seems to do a great deal for my confidence and my emotional stability, though my nerves or mood suffer if I push it too much. The main trick is this- I have to either love the work, or feel productie. If I do one of those two, I can get back energy from it as I spend it. As soon as I stop doing either, energy is being burned without invigorating me in return.

Tabi however seems to be getting it from Tree. It is working every bit as well as I'd hoped- better than I'd expected. I had the stupidest grin on my face when I heard it. I hope my oldest friend and lovely kitten are nice and safe 'til I hear from them next.

Done: Not my interview, because the manager hadn't gotten to my application yet. *growls*
My class searching.
Some cleaning of my room.

To do: Job hunt around the area.
Call Stevenson about their classes and then check for whatever the answer is.
Call  Dominos Wednesday if I don't get an answer.