A lotta rough things today. Work on my end. Some frustration, didn't wind up getting a shower in today, and feeling a hair sick myself. Not bad, but don't need it. On Tabi's end; work, frustration, illness, and other problems she doesn't need. I really wish I could just sweep through and take them all away from her. Just suck out all the bad and swallow it down where she'd never have to see it again. I'd do it for her a thousand times over if I could. I find that almost funny given my frustration or impatience at times, but I know I would. Hate that school conflicts with it sometimes- and that I know what I've gotta do for the long term.
On the upside, however, lots of good talk today, teasing, flirting. It seems to be coming to us more naturally again, at least I think. And we ha productive conversation. Even at the distance, seems like we're looking forward to a lot more using than losing, soon as we have enough time and health to properly get down to things.
I also devote 17 bazillion mwahs to my kitten.
Use them wisely. <3
Monday, January 31, 2011
Chicken Soup
Tabi is sick.
I do not approve of this turn of events.
And yes, I'm well aware that I'm significantly behind schedule on the daily writing thing again, for those of you (or none of you) following who I haven't already spoken to on the matter. I'm busy. >.>
So Tabi, instead of becoming better, appears to be getting sicker. Strep or some such. Her throat is not too good and she says she's coughing up things on top of aches. Her temper isn't so great, but sick people are allowed to be crabby, so I don't mind. <3
I'm mostly just bothered by how I can't baby her. Perhaps not bothered so much as that I want to. I know I can't keep that kind of nurturing attentiveness up permanently, I'm not that impressive a person, but there's something very fun about the thought of bundling her up in a blanket, picking out some movies for her to watch and a little cuddling while she does, getting her some easy-on-the-system foods, and little home cures and niceties. Nicities. I dunno. I guess I'm just wondering now; should I be sending some kind of medicine or stuff down as well, besides Valentines? Or maybe try and secretly (Or not so secretly) arrange a hurricane of get-well cards for her?
I also don't like how much work I have during this period, but I know that can't be helped. Poor kitten.
Anyway. I guess that's about all on my mind at the moment, that and a nice meaty wrap, or sammich, or pizza, or other meat containing lunch product. I am male, there for I hunger. And it is past lunch time, I guess. Oh well. That's the blog for now.
Niseties. Nice cities.
I do not approve of this turn of events.
And yes, I'm well aware that I'm significantly behind schedule on the daily writing thing again, for those of you (or none of you) following who I haven't already spoken to on the matter. I'm busy. >.>
So Tabi, instead of becoming better, appears to be getting sicker. Strep or some such. Her throat is not too good and she says she's coughing up things on top of aches. Her temper isn't so great, but sick people are allowed to be crabby, so I don't mind. <3
I'm mostly just bothered by how I can't baby her. Perhaps not bothered so much as that I want to. I know I can't keep that kind of nurturing attentiveness up permanently, I'm not that impressive a person, but there's something very fun about the thought of bundling her up in a blanket, picking out some movies for her to watch and a little cuddling while she does, getting her some easy-on-the-system foods, and little home cures and niceties. Nicities. I dunno. I guess I'm just wondering now; should I be sending some kind of medicine or stuff down as well, besides Valentines? Or maybe try and secretly (Or not so secretly) arrange a hurricane of get-well cards for her?
I also don't like how much work I have during this period, but I know that can't be helped. Poor kitten.
Anyway. I guess that's about all on my mind at the moment, that and a nice meaty wrap, or sammich, or pizza, or other meat containing lunch product. I am male, there for I hunger. And it is past lunch time, I guess. Oh well. That's the blog for now.
Niseties. Nice cities.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Headaches
So, most of today was good. Slept in late. Woke up and was groggy for a bit. Got things going. RP'ed with Tabi. Had a lot of fun. Something's been going on as I've been here though. It started as feeling a little unfocused and stayed there for a while, and I figured it was from staring at my screen for two long. And now, it's a dull throb. It's not a migraine, I almost never get migraines. Can't even remember the last one. But it's a real pain in the ass to have trouble thinking because of a headache. I had been staring at this window far too long wondering what to write until it struck me to put an entry in about the damn thing.
Now, minor headaches I get now and again. Just the trouble focusing. That might be sleeping habits, diet, too much time at the screen, I dunno. But considering I have a regiment for fixing these issues and just have been hit too hard by a strange week to be doing them the last few days, I should be okay before long. It's the occasional bad ones that drive me nuts though. The not being able to focus is worst. But there are still some things I can do and have fun, even though I feel like my mental abilities have dropped like 40% for it. When my head is also throbbing or doing something funny like that, however, it just kind of sucks.
Urgh. I still need to write more too. I think I'm gonna try and do that more quickly and move on to something to relax or get away from the screen maybe once I'm done, until Tabi is back again.
I'm not sure what happens then though. She got some news today and it sounds like it's bad. I'm not sure about the details or what the situation is yet, last I'd heard on things the only possibilities of this are better than what it sounds like on the surface. But then.... I'm not inclined to trust people in general too much.
I really hope she and everything are going to be okay. I'll just have to get some advil so I can be okay enough to see her through it.
Now, minor headaches I get now and again. Just the trouble focusing. That might be sleeping habits, diet, too much time at the screen, I dunno. But considering I have a regiment for fixing these issues and just have been hit too hard by a strange week to be doing them the last few days, I should be okay before long. It's the occasional bad ones that drive me nuts though. The not being able to focus is worst. But there are still some things I can do and have fun, even though I feel like my mental abilities have dropped like 40% for it. When my head is also throbbing or doing something funny like that, however, it just kind of sucks.
Urgh. I still need to write more too. I think I'm gonna try and do that more quickly and move on to something to relax or get away from the screen maybe once I'm done, until Tabi is back again.
I'm not sure what happens then though. She got some news today and it sounds like it's bad. I'm not sure about the details or what the situation is yet, last I'd heard on things the only possibilities of this are better than what it sounds like on the surface. But then.... I'm not inclined to trust people in general too much.
I really hope she and everything are going to be okay. I'll just have to get some advil so I can be okay enough to see her through it.
Any Man With a Microphone
Kitty! <3
So it's been a busy two days, hasn't it? I've got a lot to be excited about, and a lot to be frustrated about, etc, etc. For one, headaches. Not good. Work. Frustrating. Role playing with gusto again. Good. Patching things up with me and Tabi? Priceless.
We had a big fight the other day. Not just long. Big. They're generally long and dramatic, or at least from my experience they seem dramatic. I guess it makes it easy to get stressed over smaller arguments sometimes since she's used to using big reactions any time, and I come from a family where if you're getting dramatic or using big reactions, then it means it is definitely a really big deal. It's hard to learn how to tell with someone who doesn't scale the same way. I've been with her long enough I can try and use my common sense to figure out that a bunch of the time. And other times it feels like I'm looking at a website and being asked to figure out what line of code needs to be changed to make their problems go away- and I'm not a net programmer. And looking at the code is cheating.
In any case, this fight had a rather unusual resolution. After a great deal of confusion and time we both got a little sleep at least, and got up in the morning, and at first I don't think she remember what it was about. Well, that didn't last, but... I want to say it was like a whirlwind because a lot happened. But instead it was a slow progression of me knowing where I was going but having to work out where and how as I went along, taking me from halfway through the argument last night and her certainty over the fears to the point where I knelt atop my chair, stared deeply into the webcam, and present on my hand a little coiled ring of a velcro strap from out of my desk.
She giggled, and we started talking excitedly about plans.
Or it went something like all of that anyway.
Plus dragons.
I'm sure there were dragons in there somewhere.
The other thing on my mind is CHARACTER CREATION. And this is fun stuff, don't I know it. The rush of developing not a whole knew story, but a new perspective, tone, pace, narrative even if you're forced to the same plot? And then you can fight to change the story, but get no free meals? It's like the worlds most fantastic video game in writing, before you fall into the issues of what's borked about the system we use with the slow downs and egos and disorganization and so on. It's a moment of science and magic, pure creation. You draft together a character. Free form? D&D? Legend of the Five Rings? Warhammer? White Wolf? Regardless, you know a bit about how things work, your system. You draft together a character and in that moment you see the endless possibilities of that story unfolding, and what you'll LEARN about your own character that you didn't know from the start, by playing, and how the experience will alter completely when the things you can do are so different. But backward engineering seems to be me lately, especially with Denbe whom I rushed together a little when I was just learning this game system and hadn't had time to get to the fluff before the game began. Other characters are getting mental overhauls and retconning. Hell, I'm not roleplaying IN THE FUTURE which gives a fascinating new perspective on my existing character and his life. And I have no intentions of stopping with that, especially where it actually seems to help keep me interested in the other games.
But for some reason, by sudden obsession is with how much I omfg lovz L5R and need to finish making Denbe into a fuller, more riveting character so I can really get into the meat of this complex game, and by consequence how Tabi needs to finish her character so we can play together.
Which only reminds me how I need to do Kael and folks' profiles/descriptions if I want art of them.
I need to install an extra 15 hours on each of my days. That sounds about right.
So it's been a busy two days, hasn't it? I've got a lot to be excited about, and a lot to be frustrated about, etc, etc. For one, headaches. Not good. Work. Frustrating. Role playing with gusto again. Good. Patching things up with me and Tabi? Priceless.
We had a big fight the other day. Not just long. Big. They're generally long and dramatic, or at least from my experience they seem dramatic. I guess it makes it easy to get stressed over smaller arguments sometimes since she's used to using big reactions any time, and I come from a family where if you're getting dramatic or using big reactions, then it means it is definitely a really big deal. It's hard to learn how to tell with someone who doesn't scale the same way. I've been with her long enough I can try and use my common sense to figure out that a bunch of the time. And other times it feels like I'm looking at a website and being asked to figure out what line of code needs to be changed to make their problems go away- and I'm not a net programmer. And looking at the code is cheating.
In any case, this fight had a rather unusual resolution. After a great deal of confusion and time we both got a little sleep at least, and got up in the morning, and at first I don't think she remember what it was about. Well, that didn't last, but... I want to say it was like a whirlwind because a lot happened. But instead it was a slow progression of me knowing where I was going but having to work out where and how as I went along, taking me from halfway through the argument last night and her certainty over the fears to the point where I knelt atop my chair, stared deeply into the webcam, and present on my hand a little coiled ring of a velcro strap from out of my desk.
She giggled, and we started talking excitedly about plans.
Or it went something like all of that anyway.
Plus dragons.
I'm sure there were dragons in there somewhere.
The other thing on my mind is CHARACTER CREATION. And this is fun stuff, don't I know it. The rush of developing not a whole knew story, but a new perspective, tone, pace, narrative even if you're forced to the same plot? And then you can fight to change the story, but get no free meals? It's like the worlds most fantastic video game in writing, before you fall into the issues of what's borked about the system we use with the slow downs and egos and disorganization and so on. It's a moment of science and magic, pure creation. You draft together a character. Free form? D&D? Legend of the Five Rings? Warhammer? White Wolf? Regardless, you know a bit about how things work, your system. You draft together a character and in that moment you see the endless possibilities of that story unfolding, and what you'll LEARN about your own character that you didn't know from the start, by playing, and how the experience will alter completely when the things you can do are so different. But backward engineering seems to be me lately, especially with Denbe whom I rushed together a little when I was just learning this game system and hadn't had time to get to the fluff before the game began. Other characters are getting mental overhauls and retconning. Hell, I'm not roleplaying IN THE FUTURE which gives a fascinating new perspective on my existing character and his life. And I have no intentions of stopping with that, especially where it actually seems to help keep me interested in the other games.
But for some reason, by sudden obsession is with how much I omfg lovz L5R and need to finish making Denbe into a fuller, more riveting character so I can really get into the meat of this complex game, and by consequence how Tabi needs to finish her character so we can play together.
Which only reminds me how I need to do Kael and folks' profiles/descriptions if I want art of them.
I need to install an extra 15 hours on each of my days. That sounds about right.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Plans
We like to predict the future. In detail, at length, with great certainty and attachment. Granted, because of causality, it would be rather silly not to. But we always get rather used to plans, and they never seem to turn out.
I'm not saying this as a bad thing or some kind of "life sucks" statement.
In fact, I feel rather the opposite about it at the moment. My most immediate example of this is my snow day today. The snow came, and it cancelled everything before it even began to fall. I got to relax, and wear a big grin and even nap. It was fantastic, and then, I didn't have to worry about work in the evening when Tabi came around. On the other hand, my meetings for today now have to be done on Friday. This isn't a bad thing per say. A FRIDAY I can be well rested on, and be kicking about grinning about my end of the week. Lots of pep to take to them. Extra time to prepare for them. Et cetera. But none the less, it's a deviation from the plan.
Most things in life are like that. More often we find they adhere to general goals and making the best of things more than plans. It would, of course, be foolish to not consider the future or how to get things done, but... sometimes it feels like we get so attached to the process that takes us there that it becomes as essential as the cause. In some things this is fine. Life is there to be enjoyed. For this matter however... what's the difference between one path and another? Even if you can't take the very most ideal one, you get to choose. Decide. They're not always good. Some are bad. But...
I suppose, in stark contrast to my recent string of depressed mindset what I'm saying is that the more I think about it the more a broken plan just seems like an opportunity to me.
Life's what you make of it.
And I'm ninja'ing some mwahs into it for my kitten. Mwah-mwah. <3
I'm not saying this as a bad thing or some kind of "life sucks" statement.
In fact, I feel rather the opposite about it at the moment. My most immediate example of this is my snow day today. The snow came, and it cancelled everything before it even began to fall. I got to relax, and wear a big grin and even nap. It was fantastic, and then, I didn't have to worry about work in the evening when Tabi came around. On the other hand, my meetings for today now have to be done on Friday. This isn't a bad thing per say. A FRIDAY I can be well rested on, and be kicking about grinning about my end of the week. Lots of pep to take to them. Extra time to prepare for them. Et cetera. But none the less, it's a deviation from the plan.
Most things in life are like that. More often we find they adhere to general goals and making the best of things more than plans. It would, of course, be foolish to not consider the future or how to get things done, but... sometimes it feels like we get so attached to the process that takes us there that it becomes as essential as the cause. In some things this is fine. Life is there to be enjoyed. For this matter however... what's the difference between one path and another? Even if you can't take the very most ideal one, you get to choose. Decide. They're not always good. Some are bad. But...
I suppose, in stark contrast to my recent string of depressed mindset what I'm saying is that the more I think about it the more a broken plan just seems like an opportunity to me.
Life's what you make of it.
And I'm ninja'ing some mwahs into it for my kitten. Mwah-mwah. <3
Getting Better?
So, this one should have gone up yesterday, but thanks to some computer/internet issues that may or may not have been caused by the sneak-attack snow storm, it didn't go up and I have to rewrite it a bit. That's okay, I sorta remember what I was on about anyway.
Today was exhausting. That's how these days are going to be mostly until I really get a hang of it, I think. But there was an upside. I spent from 8 AM until after 3 PM in classes. And in at least two of them... I had fun. It was a long day, but I'm starting to get used to the course load, I think, and the processes of the classes. Granted, the assignments are only about to start coming, but given that I am able to enjoy the materials, and actually like sitting through these classes... well, it's going to make the whole semester look up, isn't it? Not like failing is an option.
But, y'know. It'll suck a lot less this way.
I just gotta keep at these until I hit the summer. Once I start the summer semester, it'll be smooth sailing right until the end; I like the summer semesters. With the fast pace they're challenging enough to keep my attention, but they feel like I'm learning things and moving forward, not like they're hard because the information is so... dry and dead, or arcane. Honestly. Sometimes I don't understand how a professor can take a subject and make it less accessible than a text book.
Today was exhausting. That's how these days are going to be mostly until I really get a hang of it, I think. But there was an upside. I spent from 8 AM until after 3 PM in classes. And in at least two of them... I had fun. It was a long day, but I'm starting to get used to the course load, I think, and the processes of the classes. Granted, the assignments are only about to start coming, but given that I am able to enjoy the materials, and actually like sitting through these classes... well, it's going to make the whole semester look up, isn't it? Not like failing is an option.
But, y'know. It'll suck a lot less this way.
I just gotta keep at these until I hit the summer. Once I start the summer semester, it'll be smooth sailing right until the end; I like the summer semesters. With the fast pace they're challenging enough to keep my attention, but they feel like I'm learning things and moving forward, not like they're hard because the information is so... dry and dead, or arcane. Honestly. Sometimes I don't understand how a professor can take a subject and make it less accessible than a text book.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Today
Hard to think of something to write today. Another bad day, I guess.
The second Superman movie was not nearly so bad as the first. Or at least, it felt a lot better. I could have done without watching the villain's blow down the street for two whole minutes because the new director kept coming up with three second wind related gags he thought were terribly witty.
I'm also starting to wonder what to do about things. Problems I'd thought we'd found solutions for. Not solved yet, but... I thought resolution was in sight. I was really hoping it was, for her sake. I know I've got a lot on my plate, and I worry a lot. And then have issues dealing with stress and with depression and any number of other things, but usually if I can clear my head, or the pressure is really on... I've always had luck finding something to work on, to push forward. Accomplish something. Make things better a little bit at a time. Agonizing over things instead of trying to change what you can is just torturing yourself after all, right? Not that it'll stop me but... I feel wrong, just sitting and focusing on it. Yet the steps I'd thought we had seem like they might not work. Or are getting picked at and apart. It seems that way anyhow. I really start to hate myself sometimes when I talk to her and it feels like she's waiting for me to say some one, specific thing that could set it all right, desperately... and I'm far too lost to have a concept just what those words could be.
That's a silly idea, I know. I can't read minds, and nothing's as simple in solution as that.
I'd love to know those words though.
I just need to keep moving forward. I've got directions, and little things that can help. If it's all I have time to do all day, I need to make sure I accomplish those, and take my time to try and talk to her about what worries her- try to help her let it out and get things off her chest, to make sure she relaxes some and keeps on her tasks like I know she can do (and does incredibly under even the worst of conditions as long as she clears her head), and maybe make her smile a little. I adore her smiles.
I hope that little star I used to follow will come back soon.
The second Superman movie was not nearly so bad as the first. Or at least, it felt a lot better. I could have done without watching the villain's blow down the street for two whole minutes because the new director kept coming up with three second wind related gags he thought were terribly witty.
I'm also starting to wonder what to do about things. Problems I'd thought we'd found solutions for. Not solved yet, but... I thought resolution was in sight. I was really hoping it was, for her sake. I know I've got a lot on my plate, and I worry a lot. And then have issues dealing with stress and with depression and any number of other things, but usually if I can clear my head, or the pressure is really on... I've always had luck finding something to work on, to push forward. Accomplish something. Make things better a little bit at a time. Agonizing over things instead of trying to change what you can is just torturing yourself after all, right? Not that it'll stop me but... I feel wrong, just sitting and focusing on it. Yet the steps I'd thought we had seem like they might not work. Or are getting picked at and apart. It seems that way anyhow. I really start to hate myself sometimes when I talk to her and it feels like she's waiting for me to say some one, specific thing that could set it all right, desperately... and I'm far too lost to have a concept just what those words could be.
That's a silly idea, I know. I can't read minds, and nothing's as simple in solution as that.
I'd love to know those words though.
I just need to keep moving forward. I've got directions, and little things that can help. If it's all I have time to do all day, I need to make sure I accomplish those, and take my time to try and talk to her about what worries her- try to help her let it out and get things off her chest, to make sure she relaxes some and keeps on her tasks like I know she can do (and does incredibly under even the worst of conditions as long as she clears her head), and maybe make her smile a little. I adore her smiles.
I hope that little star I used to follow will come back soon.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I Am Afeared
Greatly. Afeared.
I'm excited to read all of these comic books, but I'm beginning to wonder if I'll be able to maintain my sanity, or if it'll turn into some kind of series of Lovecraftian trials on me. Which, I'm certain is blasphemous to many of my friends (and the kitten >.>) but ajkllrklewajiefswow. Usually I do okay with suspension of disbelief, too. I understand the need for it, and usually even enjoy things that take it awfully far because I have fewer expectations. Now, despite some things that I had to remind myself (actually, Tabi kept reminding me) were just a matter of the film being old and how things were handled in that time, I mostly really enjoyed the old Superman movie. The first one done in color, I think it was. Good overall. Some things happened, I picked up on them, but meh. I made it through. It was fun, entertaining. And I'm more than happy to brush up on my Marvel and DC hero knowledge with her. She's a comic buff, and I... watched afternoon Batman cartoons and Saturday morning Spiderman.
But when you reverse the earth's rotation by flying around it and REVERSE TIME thusly?
And somehow stop the disasters he'd just prevented from reoccurring effortlessly by doing so? He didn't go back and prevent them again, they didn't even start again. Apparently just because he can do no wrong. But he CAN bring the dead back to life by reversing time.
Why don't we just do the time warp to the start of human history then, and automatically make all history peachy and nice and prevent every mis happening simply by exposing them all to the pure niceness that is the man of super? Or eye-laser Hitler, at least.
And I was told that someone can punch through dimensions in the DC-verse.
*twitch*
I shall have to be brave.
I'm excited to read all of these comic books, but I'm beginning to wonder if I'll be able to maintain my sanity, or if it'll turn into some kind of series of Lovecraftian trials on me. Which, I'm certain is blasphemous to many of my friends (and the kitten >.>) but ajkllrklewajiefswow. Usually I do okay with suspension of disbelief, too. I understand the need for it, and usually even enjoy things that take it awfully far because I have fewer expectations. Now, despite some things that I had to remind myself (actually, Tabi kept reminding me) were just a matter of the film being old and how things were handled in that time, I mostly really enjoyed the old Superman movie. The first one done in color, I think it was. Good overall. Some things happened, I picked up on them, but meh. I made it through. It was fun, entertaining. And I'm more than happy to brush up on my Marvel and DC hero knowledge with her. She's a comic buff, and I... watched afternoon Batman cartoons and Saturday morning Spiderman.
But when you reverse the earth's rotation by flying around it and REVERSE TIME thusly?
And somehow stop the disasters he'd just prevented from reoccurring effortlessly by doing so? He didn't go back and prevent them again, they didn't even start again. Apparently just because he can do no wrong. But he CAN bring the dead back to life by reversing time.
Why don't we just do the time warp to the start of human history then, and automatically make all history peachy and nice and prevent every mis happening simply by exposing them all to the pure niceness that is the man of super? Or eye-laser Hitler, at least.
And I was told that someone can punch through dimensions in the DC-verse.
*twitch*
I shall have to be brave.
Awake Again. Now Back to Sleep.
So. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep looking at this thing thinking about what to write. My neck doesn't feel too good. But I'm awake again and ready to finish it and get some proper sleep. You know. In my bed and all.
It's been a long week. For the Kitten. It's been damn hard on me too, but I worry about her. She's got a lot more on the line, and a lot more things rattling around in her head than me. I'm just a worry-er by nature, and treading unfamiliar ground. Things are starting to confuse and frustrate me. I feel discouraged as hell too, and tired now and again, but not near enough to stop me from taking care of the business that I really need to attend to. Not that it's especially fun to do so, but if I have to... I have to. And on the upside, not all of my classes are unenjoyable. In fact, I very nearly like two of them. I'm just having trouble getting into the joy of being a student again.
Meanwhile, I've got a lot on my plate, like a massive sampler. Most of what I've got to do should be quick enough as long as I buckle down for a bit. I just need to not get distracted by how many different things there are on it first.
Hope my kitten is sleeping well.
Time I turn in too.
It's been a long week. For the Kitten. It's been damn hard on me too, but I worry about her. She's got a lot more on the line, and a lot more things rattling around in her head than me. I'm just a worry-er by nature, and treading unfamiliar ground. Things are starting to confuse and frustrate me. I feel discouraged as hell too, and tired now and again, but not near enough to stop me from taking care of the business that I really need to attend to. Not that it's especially fun to do so, but if I have to... I have to. And on the upside, not all of my classes are unenjoyable. In fact, I very nearly like two of them. I'm just having trouble getting into the joy of being a student again.
Meanwhile, I've got a lot on my plate, like a massive sampler. Most of what I've got to do should be quick enough as long as I buckle down for a bit. I just need to not get distracted by how many different things there are on it first.
Hope my kitten is sleeping well.
Time I turn in too.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~
I really hope this stuff hits me like a brick. I need to get used to getting up early, and being wired all night tonight would make that hard to keep up happily. And I've been wired tonight. But in a good way. The kitten and I got to writing and roleplaying a new set of characters. And while they have a few familiar habits... it's been fresh, fun, and gotten me fired up on it all again. Reminds me of how much fun it was when I didn't for some reason make everything so serious with it.
Or maybe it's just been getting stale feeling; I haven't really played anyone but Kael in ages.
This was a lot of fun, and it has me fired up in general. Moving forward is a nice feeling.
Not to mention all the flirting. My sexual appetite seems to vanish in the lonely first week or two after trips. I think this woke it up to make up for lost time. I need to nibble on my kitten more often, I think. <3
Nom nom nom.
Or maybe it's just been getting stale feeling; I haven't really played anyone but Kael in ages.
This was a lot of fun, and it has me fired up in general. Moving forward is a nice feeling.
Not to mention all the flirting. My sexual appetite seems to vanish in the lonely first week or two after trips. I think this woke it up to make up for lost time. I need to nibble on my kitten more often, I think. <3
Nom nom nom.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Almost There
The first week of school is almost over. It hasn't been an easy week, but I'm taking an attitude of "if I can do it once, I can do it again". Given how this week has been, I don't doubt it either. It'll be nice if that class can be moved to ease up my Tuesdays and Thursdays, but if not, I'll just make the extra effort then and rest up extra before. Given everything this week, between myself feeling so exhausted after my grandmother, and the craziness of being the first week back, and my trying to sort things out with Tabi and intermittent bursts of worrying intensely about her... not likely to come across more weeks that are a trial like that.
Now I just need to make it through tomorrow and get to recovering while I work ahead. Part of which will be figuring out why it is I feel tired, the empty, lonely type depressed with my thoughts, and am having trouble communicating it. It's hard to get into more, is part of why, but once I can, I can put it all out there for her and I'm sure that will ease her mind a lot. Also generally accepted as the first step to recovery.
I just wish I knew what was bugging her so much so I could try and help her do the same.
Said she wasn't ready to talk about it tonight.
So I guess tomorrow I'll find out. I just hope she's okay until then, and isn't only being brave for me tonight. I'm proud of how strong she can be at times, but I really wish she didn't have to do so much alone... or perhaps feel the need to.
Then again, I like to help people.
Always been my thing. I'll probably super psycho-analyze and figure that out one some day. Given that psychology mostly seems to be about find the most ignoble or unhealthy possibilities or conditions even for healthy behavior, I'm sure it'll be something unbalanced or selfish, and the darker side of my humor will get a good solid laugh at the whole mess.
Eh. I'm babbling on tangents.
On to tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Now I just need to make it through tomorrow and get to recovering while I work ahead. Part of which will be figuring out why it is I feel tired, the empty, lonely type depressed with my thoughts, and am having trouble communicating it. It's hard to get into more, is part of why, but once I can, I can put it all out there for her and I'm sure that will ease her mind a lot. Also generally accepted as the first step to recovery.
I just wish I knew what was bugging her so much so I could try and help her do the same.
Said she wasn't ready to talk about it tonight.
So I guess tomorrow I'll find out. I just hope she's okay until then, and isn't only being brave for me tonight. I'm proud of how strong she can be at times, but I really wish she didn't have to do so much alone... or perhaps feel the need to.
Then again, I like to help people.
Always been my thing. I'll probably super psycho-analyze and figure that out one some day. Given that psychology mostly seems to be about find the most ignoble or unhealthy possibilities or conditions even for healthy behavior, I'm sure it'll be something unbalanced or selfish, and the darker side of my humor will get a good solid laugh at the whole mess.
Eh. I'm babbling on tangents.
On to tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
It's Been a Long Day
Tabi's not talking particularly much. Partly because she's worried about me and doesn't want me to be "troubled" with what's bothering her, from what I understand. Not sure what it all is, though I have definite suspicions. Personally, I wish she would talk. For all I know it's less trouble on me this way, but it's not the way we agreed to do things. I may not be good at opening up and sharing, but I really do try.
Ah. Well.
The day started really well. I felt good, went to class, was set to be productive. Talked to Tabi around lunch and all was well.
And that was about the time I got the call saying my Grandmother had died last night.
It's probably unrelated to how I had trouble sleeping. But all the same, it's been bugging me. I wasn't close to her, and part of me is extremely agitated that it isn't hurting me worse than it is. She'd been ill a long time, dementia for about a year; she didn't recognize her own grandchildren. Sometimes, her own children. So, in a lot of ways, I suppose everyone is looking at it as a relief. Leave the hospital care in the institution and the discomfort and confusion, go to heaven.
But what the hell is heaven, anyway?
I was religious when I was young. It's what I was taught. Now... I believe in spiritual things. I find it very likely there's more. But I don't know for sure. It's troubling and... a little depressing. I don't need more on my mind. I don't need to feel this tired again, like I really just want to be alone, and sleep. But at least it's not stopping me from wanting to do my work too this time. But I know it's not good for me.
Tabi helped a lot. I almost hit slump earlier and she set me on the right track, I got to enjoy myself a little today.
But...
I dunno. I think tomorrow will be better. Soon as I help her relax and let whatever this is off her chest.
We'll see soon, I guess.
Good night.
Ah. Well.
The day started really well. I felt good, went to class, was set to be productive. Talked to Tabi around lunch and all was well.
And that was about the time I got the call saying my Grandmother had died last night.
It's probably unrelated to how I had trouble sleeping. But all the same, it's been bugging me. I wasn't close to her, and part of me is extremely agitated that it isn't hurting me worse than it is. She'd been ill a long time, dementia for about a year; she didn't recognize her own grandchildren. Sometimes, her own children. So, in a lot of ways, I suppose everyone is looking at it as a relief. Leave the hospital care in the institution and the discomfort and confusion, go to heaven.
But what the hell is heaven, anyway?
I was religious when I was young. It's what I was taught. Now... I believe in spiritual things. I find it very likely there's more. But I don't know for sure. It's troubling and... a little depressing. I don't need more on my mind. I don't need to feel this tired again, like I really just want to be alone, and sleep. But at least it's not stopping me from wanting to do my work too this time. But I know it's not good for me.
Tabi helped a lot. I almost hit slump earlier and she set me on the right track, I got to enjoy myself a little today.
But...
I dunno. I think tomorrow will be better. Soon as I help her relax and let whatever this is off her chest.
We'll see soon, I guess.
Good night.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Where Yo Curly Mustache At?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Zzzzzzzzz
Zzzzzzzzz
Well, no. It's not that bad. But I can't say I'm not tired from the day at classes. I also then made an effort to be a good student and do all of my reading and tiny assignments right after my classes ended, and worked from the time-out at 4 until about 7, with just a break for a shower and a few panels of Girl Genius- the kitten demanded I read it, and doing so when not falling asleep or distracted by things, I find I rather like it. The whole studiousness thing is a pain to get used to though. I'm pretty sure the root of these terms is study. Not something I do much. Oh, I've always paid attention in class and taken my work seriously, but studying seriously or more than skimming my reading assignments? Not so much.
Bleeeech.
I've also never had to try so hard to not laugh at a priest before. You've seen the bushy mustaches on cartoon characters, or the old pictures, say, men in the ol' west or British gentlemen would have. I'm not asking. You know the one. Slim guy, fairly normal and respectable looking? Dressed well?
And a face absolutely clean shaven.
Except for a dramatically bushy mustache, with the ends fixed to curl pointing upwards. I even did a google search to try and find an example to give you all of how bad it was, and I could only find one. You want to see it?
Go buy some Pringles.
I didn't know they still existed.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Zzzzzzzzz
Zzzzzzzzz
Well, no. It's not that bad. But I can't say I'm not tired from the day at classes. I also then made an effort to be a good student and do all of my reading and tiny assignments right after my classes ended, and worked from the time-out at 4 until about 7, with just a break for a shower and a few panels of Girl Genius- the kitten demanded I read it, and doing so when not falling asleep or distracted by things, I find I rather like it. The whole studiousness thing is a pain to get used to though. I'm pretty sure the root of these terms is study. Not something I do much. Oh, I've always paid attention in class and taken my work seriously, but studying seriously or more than skimming my reading assignments? Not so much.
Bleeeech.
I've also never had to try so hard to not laugh at a priest before. You've seen the bushy mustaches on cartoon characters, or the old pictures, say, men in the ol' west or British gentlemen would have. I'm not asking. You know the one. Slim guy, fairly normal and respectable looking? Dressed well?
And a face absolutely clean shaven.
Except for a dramatically bushy mustache, with the ends fixed to curl pointing upwards. I even did a google search to try and find an example to give you all of how bad it was, and I could only find one. You want to see it?
Go buy some Pringles.
I didn't know they still existed.
Writin' on the Run
So I'm due a post from last night, and have a little time while I lunch. Om nom. Nom nom. So we'll get a little one up and another later on tonight.
The class schedule is merciless. With only a break long enough to drop my laptop and textbooks off at my room in exchange for other books and scarf down a lunch (taking running each way across campus and lines for food into account) my Tuesdays and Thursdays are looking to be hell, given that I have to be up for an 8 AM class and don't get down until after 3 PM. I'm a night owl, people.
But, I have been handed a miracle.
My first day of Hell, Maryland produced a surprising amount of snow overnight and got me not only two spare hours to rest, but also 15 minutes off the length of each of my class periods! I guess... hell froze over?
Now let's just hope that I can harass the registrar to changing it back to only 3 classes on those days like it was supposed to be before round two.
The class schedule is merciless. With only a break long enough to drop my laptop and textbooks off at my room in exchange for other books and scarf down a lunch (taking running each way across campus and lines for food into account) my Tuesdays and Thursdays are looking to be hell, given that I have to be up for an 8 AM class and don't get down until after 3 PM. I'm a night owl, people.
But, I have been handed a miracle.
My first day of Hell, Maryland produced a surprising amount of snow overnight and got me not only two spare hours to rest, but also 15 minutes off the length of each of my class periods! I guess... hell froze over?
Now let's just hope that I can harass the registrar to changing it back to only 3 classes on those days like it was supposed to be before round two.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Worried
Don't know how to get into it much more than that at the moment. I am. Writing about it too much just gets me wanting to pace circles, so I'm going to leave it at that if the rest of this is incoherent. I worry about people. I like to help when I can too, but God knows I've fucked up in the past.
Issue comes when you have to figure out how the mistakes effect the future. It sure as hell effects people's confidence in you. Even the ones with confidence in me seem to have well more than their fair share of doubts. Which is ironic; I think I'm finally learning to not doubt myself. Took damn long enough. Just have to ask if it took too long.
And I keep losing things. Not all of it was my fault today- I was in a rush to get back on campus and get that easy sense of having my own space and not being scrutinized, and people had moved things on me with barely any noticed before my very eventful two weeks with my kitten. I also left a keyboard, but I tend to forget things as a rule. Like the clothes I put in the drawer at the end of the trip to make packing easier. Or the Ethernet cable. Or what I'd meant to write up in this blog when I moved back in, since changed into this.
Maybe I should use more lists. I've always hated them, but it seems like maybe they might at least keep me from forgetting things left and right because of the tizzy of things zipping this way and that in my head most of the time.
Long as I didn't forget those lists.
Where was I going with that again?
Issue comes when you have to figure out how the mistakes effect the future. It sure as hell effects people's confidence in you. Even the ones with confidence in me seem to have well more than their fair share of doubts. Which is ironic; I think I'm finally learning to not doubt myself. Took damn long enough. Just have to ask if it took too long.
And I keep losing things. Not all of it was my fault today- I was in a rush to get back on campus and get that easy sense of having my own space and not being scrutinized, and people had moved things on me with barely any noticed before my very eventful two weeks with my kitten. I also left a keyboard, but I tend to forget things as a rule. Like the clothes I put in the drawer at the end of the trip to make packing easier. Or the Ethernet cable. Or what I'd meant to write up in this blog when I moved back in, since changed into this.
Maybe I should use more lists. I've always hated them, but it seems like maybe they might at least keep me from forgetting things left and right because of the tizzy of things zipping this way and that in my head most of the time.
Long as I didn't forget those lists.
Where was I going with that again?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Warp Waltz
The Tzeentchian Tango. The Mutation Mambo.
No, they're not sex jokes. Actually, the thought of them as such is rather distressing. And Slaaneshi. The Slaaneshi Salsa (credit goes to kitten for that one). If you know anything about Warhammer, easy reference, if not, I'd try not to worry about it.
I cracked these jokes offhand earlier today with hardly any thought, and my friend laughed harder at it than anyone has a right to for such plain, frankly kinda lame jokes. But as I grasp rather blindly for topics as exhaustion sets in and I realize I still need to write one of these for today, it occurs to me that I never used to have a quick wit like that. Granted, I mostly produce cheese and it's not always so on the ball, but it's a big change from how I once was, back in the day. I've changed a lot over the years. Once upon a time I hated crowds, going out, public speaking, shied away from meeting new people...
Granted, I'm no socialite now, but I've opened up a lot, and it seems to be a continuing trend.
What's happened in these years? Is it just the process of aging?
Worth saving to think about more another night.
Also, how I can produce actual good jokes.
Goodnight.
No, they're not sex jokes. Actually, the thought of them as such is rather distressing. And Slaaneshi. The Slaaneshi Salsa (credit goes to kitten for that one). If you know anything about Warhammer, easy reference, if not, I'd try not to worry about it.
I cracked these jokes offhand earlier today with hardly any thought, and my friend laughed harder at it than anyone has a right to for such plain, frankly kinda lame jokes. But as I grasp rather blindly for topics as exhaustion sets in and I realize I still need to write one of these for today, it occurs to me that I never used to have a quick wit like that. Granted, I mostly produce cheese and it's not always so on the ball, but it's a big change from how I once was, back in the day. I've changed a lot over the years. Once upon a time I hated crowds, going out, public speaking, shied away from meeting new people...
Granted, I'm no socialite now, but I've opened up a lot, and it seems to be a continuing trend.
What's happened in these years? Is it just the process of aging?
Worth saving to think about more another night.
Also, how I can produce actual good jokes.
Goodnight.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Tonight's the Night
And it's going to happen again, and again.
Blog posts. Never done one of these, never kept a journal; even when assignments required me to I just fudged up entries at the due date. But I'm going to try starting a (mostly) daily blog update. Normally this is where the mission statement, of sorts, would go, talking about what sort of blog this is; what I'm covering, the direction, any goals, so on and so forth. I might try that if I ever get any real direction. But for now it's just a daily account of whatever is on my mind when I sit down to write.
Today, it's my Kitten.
Been a little miserable missing her after two weeks, even if we've only been apart a little over a day now. I know it gets a little easier for me, but I have to admit; having real future plans now, and knowing when we'll see each other next helps a lot for keeping that from creeping up on me between our talks. Her spirits seem much better too. I take it that's because she has work and school and that same direction, but seeing her managing so always does a lot for me. Some people just make you feel like they glow when they smile. She's one of them. Does wonders.
In other news, Heaven or Hell, which I'm sure I'll divulge more on later, seems to actually be taking place this year, after a scheduling/organizational nightmare and much skepticism! So that's on tonight's schedule.
So.
This is Fish.
And his blog.
Logging out.
And so forth.
Until tomorrow.
Blog posts. Never done one of these, never kept a journal; even when assignments required me to I just fudged up entries at the due date. But I'm going to try starting a (mostly) daily blog update. Normally this is where the mission statement, of sorts, would go, talking about what sort of blog this is; what I'm covering, the direction, any goals, so on and so forth. I might try that if I ever get any real direction. But for now it's just a daily account of whatever is on my mind when I sit down to write.
Today, it's my Kitten.
Been a little miserable missing her after two weeks, even if we've only been apart a little over a day now. I know it gets a little easier for me, but I have to admit; having real future plans now, and knowing when we'll see each other next helps a lot for keeping that from creeping up on me between our talks. Her spirits seem much better too. I take it that's because she has work and school and that same direction, but seeing her managing so always does a lot for me. Some people just make you feel like they glow when they smile. She's one of them. Does wonders.
In other news, Heaven or Hell, which I'm sure I'll divulge more on later, seems to actually be taking place this year, after a scheduling/organizational nightmare and much skepticism! So that's on tonight's schedule.
So.
This is Fish.
And his blog.
Logging out.
And so forth.
Until tomorrow.
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