Today: Mixed Results.

Tabi was distraught earlier, and then quite unhappy at work. She's been a bit bored, and tired, and not feeling well. Physically, which has of course had effects on her mood. This of course diminishes my satisfaction with my day. Part of what I want is for her to be happy, and for us to get to spend our time together doing enjoyable things.

On the upside, I've gotten some good thinking in today. I've tried to write it up several times. No luck whatsoever. I never got my nap, so that has to do with it. It's very frustrating.

Research went well however. I did not get off, as requested, but found many things that excited me... and many that turned me off. It's an interesting contrast and play on between the two. A lot of the attitude is exactly the same and it does a great deal for it. But what defines the line of what I find to be offensive or disconcerting, and what is very arousing, especially taking into account that the arousing is at times a bit shocking or beyond what I would have supposed my limits to be normally myself?

Working out went okay. It felt good to start with. Being tired in general meant crashing at the end brought me down hard though. Body and brain went to exhaustion together. It's a good thing to get to, if to get good sleep. Unfortunately the need for that sleep hit me earlier than I was able to go to sleep. I had other things to do.

Now. I believe I'm getting the hang of sexual tortures and tasks a bit more for kitten. And I enjoy the micromanagement that counting things puts into her day. But counting alone is clearly not enough. The counting and then writing escalated too quickly. It needs another activity to go with it. Counting is not nearly enough though. I need other tasks for her to carry out during the things she does for her day. Things that can both push her enough to really let me enjoy the tasks, and to keep her mind from going places it should not. To keep it focused on me. Unfortunately a great deal of my studying resources so far seem sexual in orientation. It is a bit difficult to build these punishments around sex when they have to be carried out in public. However, there are obvious ways that one can get around that. Small, silent insertions. Different states of undies.Short periods alone. The trick is if I go that angle... to think deep enough into it to not only spice it up, but make it so distracting she can't not have to fight it to do her tasks.

It can't be easy.

I've done too much letting things be easy, and she's told me over and over she needs challenge.

So. I'm just going to have to start finding ways to be difficult until it becomes challenging.

Sounds like a plan. And hopefully it'll sound fun in the morning, at least so much as it does now.

Creative Thinking

So my kitten commented to me again today something along the lines of what could be done with a hardware store in the realm of the kinky. And while I can certainly imagine that there would be- though I'd imagine so many times better if I could be there to look at the selection. Visuals offer a much vaster realm of understanding, imagination, and possibility for me than simply going "oh, yeah, there are neat things in those stores. What kinds  of things are there exactly again?"

She also noted, however, that it's a shame my brain wasn't as evil and sadistic as hers is sometimes.

And this got me thinking. She's certainly right, in the vast majority of regards I'm a very nice guy. I have a cultured taste for horror, grit, and hardship in stories, but I like to see people flourish, do well, be healthy, happy, etc. Not that a little pain ever HURT-hurt anyone, or a bit of struggle. But I certainly enjoy this sort of thing some and continue to grow to enjoy it more. The question remains, however, how can I get as "evil" as my kitten? Some of this sort of thing is natural, I'm sure. Some of it is also related to intelligence and creativity which I am at least just enough of a cocky ass to say I've got a decent portion of each of. But what about the rest? Is it just sort of a "you've got it or you don't"? I'm sure it can't be TRAINED, but it can probably be learned, picked up on, etc, enough at least indirectly to make one better at that, can't it?

I'm curious now, if I can expect to be out-thinking her in mean thoughts in a while, or soon, or how it develops.

Actually, I think a lot of what I do would be a lot more effective if I attempted to force myself to practice in trying to briefly adopt the submissive mindset so that I could view things from Tabi's more submissive, very sensual perspective. That seems like the absolute most effective road to improving these skills. And I'm very interested in the possibilities of an improved set of those skills.

A Matter of Confidence

I've never considered myself a natural leader.

If anything, I'm indecisive and don't like the spotlight. I like to be spoiled or appreciated by those I have a fondness for at least as much as anyone else, but I don't generally enjoy dictating things out unless I am in some way shape or form doing some of the hands on work myself. I'm finding more and more as I explore this dominant thing though, that it's not quite the same as being a leader for the sake of others- which is a concept I understand. I've never wanted to be a leader, but I've done it and felt comfortable with it- for a time- before. It's always been born of necessity though. A case of no one else being willing or capable enough. I'd joke that this is how Boy Scouts taught leadership- not in a direct sense so much as that sooner or later, someone is going to get sick of rubbing their hands together in well below freezing weather and start telling people who's going to do what to get the damned fire made. Usually my social phobias always kicked in once the job was done though, or I'd just find myself craving time alone to refuel my antisocial self.

I never called myself a natural leader. A few other people have, or a good public speaker, but never me.

But I'm discovering the dom thing is different from leadership in many, many ways viewing this relationship. Because it really is a much more intimate, tight relationship. A leadership might be highly emotional or close, but it's not the same. It's formal. This is... while sometimes superficially formal, much more intimate. The biggest difference, however, is that except in VERY rare instance, leadership is topical.

Someone leads a project, or a club. They lead in specific activities or locations. It's a matter that comes up to create order and efficiency within the instance, the area in which that person is most knowledgeable or comfortable and the best man to lead the job. I've had to be a leader in things where I was FAR from knowledgeable, however, and it can be done, with expert opinions that you can rely on. However, the main difference in the two begins here. Leadership has a point of starting and stopping, where as the dom-sub relationship is all encompassing as far as those two are concerned. It's intimate, but it's everything.

And I'm also finding that somehow it is... much harder to inspire confidence in it.

I need to work on a few things, including my recognition that it's all encompassing. To do that, and still be able to keep my composure as a dom, even when I have to let out emotions, including the weak or sad ones as impossible as it sounds without deeper consideration, to learn to naturally formulate my words and thoughts to it. It will be difficult, but I feel I've made distinct progress, and I'm proud. I don't feel my pride becomes an issue often, but it certainly stings a little bit when Tabi gets depressed or uncertain.

It makes me question myself in some ways. But what makes me confident is that lately, even through that, I've not wavered on the idea that I AM doing well. Not as well as I could. Not as well as I WILL do. But I'm doing well, and improving.

Now the matter of inspiring that confidence in here, and myself. The fact that I make ME more confident now, however...

Once upon a time, I didn't believe it would ever be the case.

Little steps add up, I suppose.


I'd toast to tomorrow, but I'm down a kitten and the drinks I'd need.

Not too long now though...

Tomorrow is back to campus again.

My brain feels a bit fried and stagnated from being here. Driving was shorter than normal, since I mostly just went during the freetime my mom had before she had to take Jim back up to his college. Otherwise the day was not too exciting. My father didn't really have the time to do a puzzle like I would have hoped. He didn't seem to remember though, so... I don't feel bad so much as it's unfortunate that it didn't happen. I would have liked to do something with him but I'll have some other chances.

However, I can already say I'm looking forward to going back like I can't even begin to describe.

AC and being able to write or study without constantly being bombarded by the laughtracks going on in whatever people are watching will be fantastic. I'll be able to play my own music, and focus, and not melt. Besides the obvious advantages to being in contact with my kitten when she has less to do, and we both have a bit of privacy for ourselves. That will simply be fantastic after this weekend which has been fun but... busy.

Busy to say the least.

God, I miss AC nearly as much as my kitten though. x.x

I'm not sure what exactly went right today, but it certainly seemed to. Money is tighter than I knew with my family. I suppose it really does make sense- they have three kids and they've paid fully for our educations through private schools, and not skimped on other living, even if we never had the latest or greatest of anything. Maybe we got spoiled or coddled ab it too much at times. But my parents both came from families without much in way of means, so I think in the end I just overestimated how well they'd done for themselves. Despite this issue, however, I found out that I've really been creating problems with them.

Yes, they disagree with a lot of stuff I've done.

Yeah, they've put pressure on me that I don't need and disagreed when I felt it was important.

I can't really agree with them, make it easy, or see eye-to-eye. But I've been assuming that when they disagreed they'd react one way, looked at the things they've said and not pursued it or made assumptions because it was smiply discouraging. It meant I got a lot wrong. And in a lot of ways, I still need to keep my back straight and look ahead and do what I need to do for myself.

It was just... nice to hear them say that as much as they worry and try to show me what they think are the best ways, they agree- they know sometimes I'll feel something is worth doing even though they don't like it, or if it's not the safest route. It's not like I can not worry them somehow. It's just....


I guess it's good to hear that, no matter what happens, even if they can't agree or help, that they're on my side. Even when I'm arguing with them. Funny, as in some ways, it makes arguing with them that much easier. I just need to make sure I take that bit of trust and freedom and do them proud as well as my kitten.

And myself.

There's a long, long road ahead.

Somedays I feel like I don't realize this. Like part of me is looking forward to finishing one thing- and just being done, to the part where I can do work and travel and start my life for real, but looking at it like it'll be a happily every after and not more living. I don't know why this is, but it's very different to really stop and realize how much that'll be living, just like now. I'd say that this is the easy part, but no, I don't think it is. I've tasted a bit of other things, and I believe that the hardest parts are staring me in the face right now, barring that I have a child. Because at that point I think all bets are off in general.

Don't know why this sticks out to me right now but it does.

The home range really isn't quite so home-rangy, because there'll be another one. And another one. And another one. And some days, I don't want that, I want to sleep a long time, just with feelings of either having been just a little sick a long time, or depressed, stressed, I dunno. More and more days than it used to be though... I find I can look forward to that future.

Right now... I feel weary, but not like I want to sleep forever. A long time, yes, but it's more of a "this'd be a good day to sleep way past noon and wake up to little kitten kisses on my neck".

I do miss waking up to her. But little thoughts like that make my smile. Help me remember that I really don't mind that it keeps going after this, because I want that rest of the road to come and most of it, I'd like to go as slow as possible so I can sit down and enjoy it.

It's nice to be impatient for things, sometimes. Makes me smile.




...except when that reminds me I'm currently bouncing over waiting for next week's Game of Thrones. They're doing a great series adapting the book so far, go watch! Fishy wants to see more. x.x

Somedays it's hard go get going. Momentum can just be hard to pick up sometimes.

And I dunno what it is, but a lot of times it seems to have to do with other people. It can be fairly easy to get myself up and doing things or excited, as much as I frequently do best with friends who know to be gentle when motivating me to do new things with them. I can be a bit skiddish otherwise, and only take a random chance here and again. I'm getting better certainly but not necessarily good. In any case, momentum is easy to get going on your own. Some people even motivate me, though I think by my nature sooner or later... I need time alone to unwind, whether it be writing or reading or games or naps or poking at random objects and thoughts for no purpose. That time along is great for recharging sometimes.

Time with kitten seems good for this. As long as I can get the time here and there to stop and check out my readings or write something, the kind of space that we know we'll both need now and again as soon as it stops feeling like we have little time together before one leaves again.

Unfortunately, I don't get it at home.

My room is now the go to place for doing work for my family. The basement is the entertainment center for the TV. My sister's room is still hers. The living room is where the kitchen and chores and mess are. The only other rooms are bathrooms, and my parent's bedroom.

Essentially, privacy is impossible in my own house. Even if I just want to read a book... I can't even guarantee I can get a solid half an hour of doing that without an interruption. And that's a problem. The thing is, that is a distraction. In my peripheral, and not knowing if they're going to start asking into things or interrupt or be noisy. They're fun,  and I love them. I love spending time with them.

But I don't know how I ever survived not being able to spend time by myself.

Or rather, I do; I used to be able to. It's just not a possibility anymore, and after college I'm more used to it and less tolerant of it all. I can't control it either because I don't have a space that's my own.

It's really a good thing I'm moving.

But even with that in mind, I think I need to forcibly move the family computer down stairs to the public room and the router before I move away for good, so when I visit there won't be the issue of my only semblance of a personal space being among the most used instances of shared property that my parents refuse to acknowledge is so or disruptive because it never used to be, and I begin to think that as cool as they can be they're rather change phobic.

Also, the fact that they tend to disturb my sleep a lot getting up at 5 or so when I have no reason to do so, so if I want to get up early and not sleep until noon to make up for it I might as well get up at 5.



I know I sound like a crabby old man, but I suppose that's a part of me not having control. Which means I'm gonna have to create some soon and start setting my own rules down around here, even if I'm not the man of the house or the like.

It'll be nice when this is a place I come for visits and get to act like an honored guest. Maybe. That IS how you treat long-gone family, right? The idea of moving out and only visiting back just grows more and more appealing as I analyze what it is that makes it hard for me to concentrate here.

I need to work on my devious side more.

A lot more.

There are practical reasons and fun reasons, and as many for the kitten as for myself or in general. However, today I say this in particular because I think she has outdone me by spades. And while she had the experience advantage, I don't think this can stand. So I'm going to have to find some things to do about it. A few ways to learn or get ideas what I like. Some new perspectives. I'll have to work on those some during my free time.

And I've discovered a new kink today. I had some inclination of an interest before- or a curiosity, more like- but today I have to confirm it. Kitten tried it out a bit on display for me to see how I'd take to it, and I certainly took to it. I felt excited, physically, mentally, and sexually. I felt worried a bit watching, concerned and with that nagging serious of safety precautions my mind was screaming to ask her right away despite my trust that she'd not do anything dangerous without looking up all the safety measures available to her first. But all the same. Watching it was strange and visceral. My heart fluttered at first, and then a smooth and easy, steady excitement light as air built its way up, up, and up with it. In a way, I have to imagine it's what sky diving is like. Once it finished, I found myself going hard, though. I did like this one. A fair deal.

I think... I want to try and integrate this to other things a bit. Lot's of nice potential combinations.

As nervous as the idea makes me though... also want to try my hand at it.

Today has been a good day, and a meh day. Long classes were long, as they always are, and I mostly came from them feeling exhausted. However, I got only a short little nap and got some work done, and we managed to get date night going. We've mostly been posting and poking around, but somehow... it feels right? We try and do movies and solo activities often and they frequently seem to not quite get that sense of doing something together just right, but even just posting and reading things and chit-chatting about it, felt great. Something perfectly right about it.

I've also had some serious productivity, including a few important purchases, and a personal reminder or two. Things that should be fun to work on.

However! It might finally be time to watch the movie with kitten. Hopefully it'll keep the mood going. I'm not expecting it to meet all my hopes, but I do want to see, I do!

If today has done one thing besides be a quiet, very enjoyable surprise without ever being outright exceptional or exciting (beyond the tickets finally being done) it's been exhausting. I just feel wiped, and while I don't need to crash early for tomorrow, I might need to crash a little early for me.

Gotta say though. I do love hearing her use that word. <3

Sleep is really, really important.

I dunno how the ladies do so well without it. Tabi, Erinn- even our new friend Lilly apparently can do amazing things under lack of sleep. My kitten, however, needs to learn that this is only for limited periods. She finally got her sleep today. And then got some more. And then got some more. And then got some more. I can't go half as long or deal half as well with sleep deprivation, but I hope this will help her deal with it more responsibly. Even if her issue seems to be falling asleep, not staying asleep, I hope it helps somehow.

Personally, I've been feeling like I've been in a mild rut creatively. I have been enjoying the RP'ing immensely, but feeling like it took far too much effort to get my brain into gear at times.

I napped a good deal longer than I meant to today, but when I woke up on my own instead of to the alarm I felt energized and... well, it took a long period of writing. But I can't help but be really happy with the results. I was really into my characters head again. The writing just came naturally. I'm happy with this.

Now just what to do to make it work when sleep is in shorter supply. xp

Today was interesting.

I spent a lot of time with my father, driving, and the like. We talked plenty, sure, but we normally talk about productive things or small facts about what's immediately going on. I have as much issue doing deep talks, reflecting, or getting into hopes or the like with him still. Things don't feel as tense as they used to, which is good, but it's a little awkward.

I also went driving with him.

It was... a headache. Not half so bad as it could have been. But I got some much needed experience today.

I was probably in the car with the only person in Maryland actively on the road who knew how to drive in any weather. Rain is a pain to learn. My issue is already with a tendency to not do my turns right- I end up too tight or too wide depending, and it's learning when to err which way and getting used to the middle ground that's plaguing me most so far. In the rain, that was just a much bigger deal. I think... that rain driving could help me with that in general. But god it's not fun practice. No accidents, no close calls, and no scares though. Productive day. Just stressful.

The storm was nice once I was out of the car  though. I really do love storms.

Except when they wipe out my internet for hours. =\

I know one little kitten whom owes me an explanation. She's been being a tease, and she can't get away with that.

But then, how do I punish my little kitty while she's out and about at Ella's without anyone noticing? Hmmm. She does seem to be answering now. But regardless of if she's good or not in these texts, how does one take care of that? Punishing or rewarding my kitten subtly? Hmmm. The typing could always work. But just what other options can one deal out beneath the notice of others, the perfect secret just between the kitten and her master? My talk with our interesting new friend was a little disjointed and wandering along tangents, but it made a few things clear. And I believe one fact I might not be making quite clear enough to my kitten just yet is that she is mine.

MINE.

This is something essential that the more I look at, I realize is key to the whole thing. I'm sure my kitten has a sense of how loved and appreciated she is, and that I'm in charge, but perhaps she doesn't fully understand the situation yet. Clearly the temporary collar is not enough.

And to think, my kitten is getting upset at one offhand note that came up at the end of a conversation meant for her benefit? That's hardly fair to our friend now, is it?

She's forgetting her sirs as well.

But how to go about it...

It seems that there is enough lack of natural response that some training will need to be done.

The question is whether attempting to train a submissive- fortunately we are speaking of additional training and brushing up, not a fresh start- is something that can help a dominant to come into practice himself, or if attempting to manage training in two places at once will create a conflict and make things more difficult. Namely our issue is that the kitten, while frequently very good about it, has had an instance or two of reacting quite the wrong way when I raise my voice. A sign for attentiveness. Instead, she tried to shout over me, and that won't do at all.

But, however that might be. It seems to me the best way to deal with a challenge of that sort is to simply go and find ways to turn it to your advantage. It can be a chance for some good practice, and if it will be creating difficulties beyond what should be as well, this will be the best way to find that out and be ready to deal with those in particular- as other issues will have been adressed.

Only, the methods used so far simply won't do for this.

And so, I think it is brainstorming time again.

If only my brain didn't want to nap, I would be fairly pleased. My inexperience can be frustrating, yes, but when I get ideas, I get ideas... and it's usually quite a bit of fun.

Oh, I've had quite a bit of fun today.

Granted, I almost left my phone on my table at dinner and flipped out checking my try by snatching it back off the conveyor into the kitchen to make sure I hadn't left the phone on that, and after all that panic went back and found it on the table. I'm also not looking forward to the full day of classes tomorrow when I really do want to just make it my new birthday and make it a day off to sleep in, etc etc, but I'll have to do what I have to do. x.x

I'm also discovering quite a bit of delight. I think I need to introduce my kitten to more submissive females. Even if we never do anything, the team-flirting, albeit ranging from light tease to just commentary to each other and giggling so far, is a great deal of fun. I need to establish a few more rules before we honestly consider any threesomes or play things, but I don't think it can be denied how much fun this is again. I also get the feeling that it would do me a great bit of good to talk to her more and watch her closely. She seems a very true submissive, where as my kitten has plenty of spunk and is more than capable of being a switch, or simply bratty when she's of a mind. I love that spunk and wouldn't wish it away, but I'm wondering if perhaps it might help me keep improving my feel for how it is to be the dominant Fishy.


...I'll also admit that the prospect of being the dominant top-of-the-pyramid figure in a threesome like that is very appealing. But that's just male fantasy.

Possibly a fantasy of my kitten as well. <3

Today I turned 22.

It didn't really feel like much of a birthday. I suppose as you get older a lot of those little gratification holidays stop being as big a deal for you, and become more about reminding yourself to do something nice for others, taking time and showing appreciation. And in the true American spirit, purchasing them things. Because everybody loves things.

I think we're also officially postponing my aging until Thursday, since tomorrow Tabi is pretty booked.

Today just didn't go well.

I was tired and stressed from classes, came back and craved a nap but didn't have a chance. Concentration wasn't what I liked, but I managed ONE post. I wanted to do more.

And then things wound up in motion and upset my kitten.

This fact made me particularly unhappy, and I took a good bit of time trying to help her feel better. I certainly don't believe she's just forgotten or gotten over anything, but she has seemed to be a bit better, at least calmed down about it all. In the mean time, however, she was exceptionally rude and disrespectful to me, and that is not going to go without being punished. That SHOULD have happened today, but by the end of it all I just felt drained as could be.

And now we've been working on money, and plane flights (and me trying to figure out if MSN's bad voice chat can be replaced, or if it's just that my school internet is terrible). I need to solve that chat issue before it drives one or both of us nuts. And all in all today has just... lacked charm. I think that progress has been made, but... it's been such a lackluster day.

Tomorrow I'll try again and try and make it all a bit better.

At least I'm finding I'm really looking forward to sending my kitten that text in the morning. Let's just hope I'm awake and feeling well enough to permit my memory to not get terrible on me as it sometimes does.

I found kitten's missing rain.

It showed up at my window in flash-hurricane mode, and went from slight gusts and cloudy skies to not being able to see the road from my window in under 45 seconds. No joking. It took about 30 seconds to go from a light patter starting to torrential downpour. Granted, it didn't last very long, but it was nice. I think what made me sad is that I was in no position to go dancing in the rain. I like the rain, and with flash storms like that I can't help but want to go out badly.

Granted, there was thunder, so I shouldn't have, but if I'd hugged buildings I might still have considered it.

I thought it was plains and shores, though, who were supposed to be prone to flash storms. I'm near the mountains- is it them too? Is it just dumb luck that my school never seems to get more than a light rain that announces itself more than a minute before starting up in full.


I'm also finding that the dom is working out- so far at least. Kitten has some punishments from things she did days ago that are overdue, and it's not good of me to keep them hanging up in the air for either of us, but she's been amazing and sweet today, but for a brief bit of bad mood, and she's working hard. So I'm debating that she might be due in for a reward as well. We'll see what I come up with.

So one has to wonder a lot of things about the road systems. The patterns for one. It's far too easy to get lost in the maze of directions, signs, turns, side roads and major ones, curves, etc. I could never expect a grid system, but sometimes the roads seem silly.

Of course, they had to be built around the geography. And most roads are likely old, old roads or paths that eventually got covered and maintained by the government when it went to making highways. But plenty had to be made later. So why all the curves? Didn't anyone ever think to straighten it out, or look at a specific area and say "this is a mess, how is anyone supposed to navigate this?"

Most of these aren't so bad, but having  a "back seat driver", even in the other front seat, can make it difficult to figure out where you're going far enough ahead of time to deal well with all the curves and turns and nonsense, reading signs while speaking, etc. But why did no one ever fix some of these? Is it that now that they're there, America has gotten bored and can only be bothered to maintain them (sometimes)? Everyone decided that new roads or alternative, more efficient routes are too much work? Is traffic too steady and much a face of life for rerouting for this to be a possibility? Not worth while or the money?

Perhaps I'm just complaining because I have trouble with directions still. xp

So today I've been curious on methods of punishment. Obviously I prefer not to have to distribute it. Well, rather, I prefer to not be made to have to. Often I prefer not distributing it, but I'll admit that it some ways it can grant a heady feeling of power, mild sadistic satisfaction, or other great things if only it is a fitting and reasonable punishment, laid down well. It's a learning exercise, a reinforcement of the law, and helps to establish social positioning in people's minds. In some ways I discredit the importance of social positioning entirely- in a perfect world, we would act cooperatively instead of needing desperately to gauge where we stand to know how to act. It's not a perfect world though, and in some ways, maybe it's better this way. After all, not everyone can fill the same roll, and with some good communication and leadership differentiation, including social differentiation, can be extremely motivating and useful. It's a matter of it being handled well.

Always with this stuff, a matter of careful thought and a controlled hand. Light is pointless, but too heavy is counterproductive.

So for kitten, writing lines would make a good start. It can be effective even given the distance, it's a disciplinary measure, and it drills the message home, whatever it is that needs to be read. Spanking works effectively. As does a specific, controlled sort of neglect. Vanishing I don't think is a good idea. "Go sit in the corner/do this task, and no more talking to you until x time/you're done" seems a reasonable possibility. Perhaps as well building a system of regular special treats that are only given DEPENDENT on good behavior. Denial is as fine a punishment as actual application, given the human psyhology.

Just a matter of controlling it.

Most of these feel a touch bland, as much as they're mostly possible at distance, and like I can get a lot of ground out of them... but not everything I need.

Curious, how I'll want to go about trying to come up with more unusual, but suiting punishments tailored for special situations.

Thought of the day:

Dom Fishy

Preservation how? Well, part of it is going to be living it, and getting used to it. I've partly got to try and go as far as I comfortably can, and then a little more- to push the limits, try whatever appeals. But I also need punitive measures. There are consequences for breaking rules most of the time. Generally I prefer simple, direct- easy to connect to the point and soak in. There also should be a level of it being appropriate of course, a minor cost for a minor infraction. Rules should exist, punishments or no, but given human nature the consequences are generally there as a method of keeping them meaningful and effective. A lot of people would defy rules simply to project a sense of authority or because it was easier or more appealing for them to otherwise. Perhaps the most important thing about a rule is that it exists for a good reason.

But people will often miss those.

For now I think I might have a tool. I'll need to research it more, but I have that link and a few others saved for reading so I should be pretty okay there. It leaves me thinking I'll want to craft a few others, of my own, though. If I understand the basic concept right, this will be a very nice start, but I can't let it be the end all. Too easy, and not really specific enough to things to feel like a permanent solution.

Hmmm.

So how else does one project control or authority when they have no physical power over another party? When they're too far away to directly deal with yourself. Assignments can exist sure, but if one refuses to do them...

Things DONE or ADDED or present are best. But it may be necessary to consider denials as well, ultimately, if those added consequences can not be administered or are refused entirely.

Dom Fishy may be my number one priority at the moment. Not for it's own sake alone though. The attitude seems to help my productivity often, and it is a good tool for the relationship and for giving Tabi a sense of assurance. She needs that, and for lack of other methods beyond those already discussed in mind... I realize at least that I should be able to come up with more if I keep within that proper mindset long enough. It's the correct direction of thinking.

A Little Lost

I have to admit that I'm never really sure which way things are headed. Typically, however, I'm not absolutely horrible about understanding which direction Tabi's mind is coming from when she moves to topics. I can't predict her hardly at all, kitten has too much brain for me and it goes all over sometimes. But normally I can follow the trail and get a decent idea, I feel like.

Today, sometimes, however, things feel like they came out of nowhere without any discernible reason.

I'm sure I can seem like that to people at times. I've had other people do that to me, where they seemed to pull a thought out of their ass and latch onto it. Normally she has a process. A complex, hyper active one often, that jumps about, but still a process. Most people do, if you stop and look into the situation a little, and you can figure out where they're getting the ideas they're getting. Today some topics sprung up seemingly from out of nowhere though and it's been making me reflect a bit on what it means. Not the topics in specific, as much as they're on my mind and worth talking about.

But what does it mean that I still cannot consistently predict her or always get a correct analysis on her reasons for things out of a few guesses once looking at a situation? Sure, I empathize with her much better and have much more insight, since we know each other as well as we do. 90% of the time it's very clear and I like it a lot. Given enough time though, and background information, I tend to pride myself on my ability to read people. Usually I'm too in things going on, naive, nice, or whatever else to try. I've never been one to manipulate people much purposely, or to politic for personal gains. So a lot of the times it's trying to empathize, understand them, plain curiosity, et cetera. And yet for Tabi, as much as I understand her perfectly...

I can't seem to READ her like I read other people. I understand a lot of her from knowing her well, yes. But that's different.

So should I be taking some meaning from this? Is it a good thing that she's at a point where I can't seem to read her? Is it because I'm too emotionally invested?

Wish I could say. Usually I dismiss these things, but today it feels important for some reason. At some point I'll have to figure that out. But today, I think, we have other things to do. Time to find out what they are.

Noms

I'm a little concerned about these today.

See, I had breakfast this morning. Not huge, but some. And after that, I eventually went out for lunch while doing my things after class, but when I got there I felt disinterested. I got a side of fries instead of a meal and ate just those. I didn't finish the entire thing. A good amount, most, but not the whole thing. Which should have left me starving since lunch is always the mealtime I seem to have my most exaggerated appetite during (assuming I'm awake early enough for it to seem like lunch, and today it did). Instead I felt kinda unconcerned and figured I'd make up for it around dinner. After all, that would save me money off my card and I could eat some good food from a less standard-fair selection.

I've been waiting on that urge to go eat, and now that it's 8 I'm concerned, and wondering if this is what it's like for Tabi those times when she doesn't eat.

It's not that I feel sick to my stomach, or even not hungry enough to want to go out to eat. I don't feel stuffed or bloated, or anything associated with killing the urge to eat. Just not hungry. Otherwise to day I don't feel any real signs of illness or depression. I've felt quite interested in things today and I've gotten a bunch of my work done. I simply... feel neutral in my stomach and without a need to go out and eat. I should anyway, but there is absolutely zero desire there and I can't figure out how to assure myself that if I got food I'd be able to bring myself to eat all of it. Hell, I'd eat her dishes at the moment because the taste on them is a treat. But the cafe has nothing I can't get any old day here, and even the buffalo chicken wraps aren't appealing to me. The only thing I'd trust in the least is fries with cheese and bacon, if only my school's cafe didn't butcher those so badly that I really haven't an interest in them either.

So...

Is this a problem? Is it only an issue if it goes on for more than one day?

I'm not sure what to think.

Usually, hunger is an appropriately large part of my day. Hnnn...

I am upset with people today.

Now as much as I generally prefer to be diplomatic rather than confrontational- especially when either way means bringing up a grievance with someone and making it get changed, why start by being aggressive and making them inclined to do it just to bother you when you could be subtle instead? Granted, my subtelty needs work and doesn't always turn out which sometimes forces the issue- right now I'm simply unhappy. I'm supposed to be practicing being bolder, more direct. Working forward. Planning and assertiveness/aggressiveness, since those typically seem to be my weak points if any. The issue here is that I can't really.

Because I'm very unhappy with Tabi's roommates.

Yesterday and now today they've made a lot of noise partying it up while she was trying to study or sleep, enough to make it impossible. But how does one deal with this? I know she won't want to since she has to live with them and so far they seem to be petty about things like that, and have generally been rude and inconvenienced her and her roommate, and even antagonized them for imaginary grievances. I REALLY want to lay a piece of my mind into these girls, even though I'd rather just kick them out so Tabi could have some piece. But how do you go about organizing a strong argument for this sort of thing? How do you anticipate people who know no logic?

Tabi is really good at debate, where as I'm not so much. Makes me wonder if I could learn some tips from her.

It's a skill that couldn't hurt.

And I can think of a lot of uses for being a strong force in an argument just now.

I have a funny habit when I RP. Have for a while, so it's not just a recent thing. I tend to devote heavily to a single roleplay, even if life of late means less so than I used to, between school and my kitten, and yet my interests while branch off dramatically. I'll be up to pace in maybe two RPs. It's not hard usually, though the splitting into many separate scenes and tendency to play them through and reach casual points or to slow down because of repeating things that've been done before. I love playing these things out. They're a lot of fun and it brings out a human side of the character. It CAN slow things down though, especially when one's attention is split amongst a number of things.

Why is it, though, that when I am just about set to catch up on this RP and start getting things rolling with one character that I always seem to suddenly start getting bursts of temptation to create a second?

I brainstorm these things all the time, but rarely stick around long enough to flesh them out- especially as I usually alter them to suit the world I put them into, so I have to decide where and how I'd RP them before I do it for too long. So why do I do this? Why keep getting bursts of ideas and urges to play them out or build them when I don't have the time to devote to making them full? ADD? Bursts of shininess and inspiration?

Then again, there's always a bit of time in things like Heaven or Hell where I feel like I'd like to try a different character archtype since I've been playing Rayner this long, or to get something with powers so I could really do combat as a light activity. Just kick back and have fun. if nothing else, powers allow such visual images and themes to be weaved, it almost seems a waste sometimes to not use any, even if it's just how things should be for Rayner.

So.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Volume

I think I've found the one big issue with where I live. My roommates are loud and I'm used to it, and throw onto that the fact that the road outside and helicopters over head can easily top them at times. So I slept through phonecalls this weekend. A lot of them. Part of the issues should be fixed by putting myself back on my allergy medication, which I forgot and missed several days on with some predictable effects, but I'll also need to figure out how to make sure I can reliably wake myself up despite that I'm apparently getting more and more used to the loud volumes. I think I might be able to find a way to turn up the volume on my clock radio, which will solve part of it. But my phone... even when I don't end up sleeping on it sometimes it only gets me part way up and I'll fade out again.

So I need to find new methods of waking up more easily. For one thing. Scheduling the allergy meds and giving myself more regular wake up times- that means getting up early on weekends now I think, even when I stay up late on them. Get used to waking up at a certain time.

Also going to want to start twisting my shades- make sure they block outside view, but let the sunlight stream in. Combine this with sleeping with my head on the window side of the bed, and I think I might have a winner. If I can add vibrate to the alarm sound for my phone, that's another solid point. But I think I'm also going to make one other point- if I can start to buffer the sound coming in from the other rooms somehow, and take a little time each day for quiet meditation like time, I think that could serve me quite well. So for now, that's the plan.

Going to want my rest this week, since Tabi has lots of exams. I'm sure this means she'll be busy, but I'll want to be done my work early so that I can take time to help her relax between- or study- as need be. I hope I can do one or both, at least. She's nervy about it all, but when she's set on something I've seen how she does under just-enough stress. Besides, she's my kitten. How can I not believe in her?

Good luck kitten. Love you. <3

Double Feature

First off, our belated blog for Friday.

It really seems like there's nothing quite as volatile and easily mistaken or misjudged as good intentions. I understand getting her hopes up. She reacts to it so vastly differently than I do, so I believe I need to drill that through my head so I don't make the same mistakes so much. But getting one's hopes up can be a disappointing experience. I usually am willing to still give credit for the effort, and to take promises with a grain of salt, but I can see where one could be upset over hoping for something and not getting it, regardless of whether it be a discussed possibility or indirect promise or what have you. So I think the first issue might be restraining my big, fat mouth and saying less- doing more. I try to do enough, but maybe not saying so much will give me a little more time and effort for the real work. I also need to be more open about when things are going wrong. Not how I would have reacted but I suppose as ever I understand where she reacted the way she did. You'd think you'd get to know someone faster than that, but I think my issue is absentmindedness. I get distracted by fancy and inspiration and don't stop to do the practical once-over look and consider the ways she's different a lot of times when I'm into these things.

At least I seem good at working with those differences when I CAN make myself stop and think. Which is probably the other thing I need to do more of. I don't like fights, no matter what they're over.


And now for the rest.


Right now my number one concern is my own wellbeing. This one, I need to work on, but the wellbeing of oneself and their immediate priorities should always be the top. For this, I'll need to start going to the gym more, regulating my schedule more. These things won't be fixes, but a shift in mindset and structure hopefully. I believe that is what I need most. Start living it. Further, to start asking questions of Tabi and trying to help get her excited and doing it with me. I'm sure either one of us doing so will help the other, and she enjoys structure. A good step forward for each of us.

Secondly, I need to start working on my schoolwork. I've been putting effort into it, but I feel unspirited and not as productive as I should be. This is infuriating, and part of it makes me feel like I'm just not as intelligent as I used to be. As I analyze it more and more, however, I believe that a part of what I need to do here is to get interested again. I've excelled more when I took curiosity in the classes, but now even though I'm still a student I think I've begun to feel like there's so much going on in my life that I am not interested in the classes next to it all anymore. That they are just noise to get me there. If I want to really excel in the coming end of this semester I need to figure out what gets me interested normally, and what part of the summer's structure helped keep me enthused, and then push myself to emulate these and step up my work there.

After this, I think I know what my priority is.

I need to graduate so that I can seek jobs with that extra college backing behind me, since my primary goal is to locate some kind of long term employment with good pay and benefits. Even if I do not stick with one permanently getting into an industry will help me learn the workplace and let me learn what sort of work I do or do not care to do for the long haul. In this regard I need to revisit my old resume work. I need to stop taking my job search with a "preparation" outlook and start making efforts to very actively pursue my possibilities one at a time and see how they can be fleshed or fulled out. I need to look for at least one in Maryland, buy my priority is to find opportunities and apply in Louisiana. Income will be nice, but my primary concerns in this regard are the job's BENEFITS and the type of work. I'd rather have medical covered than get a bit of extra money I could put towards it, even if money won't be abundant at first, and we're not too often in need of doctor's visits. Tabi is not a spouse (yet) or dependent, so I can't count on them applying to her for the time being unfortunately. We'll want to see what possibilities are open to her.

In the future, while the wellbeing of my family will be a major concern, I need to act more to give them confidence- and I think it needs to be said that at this point I believe a part of this will include upsetting them and making them worry in the short term.

My intention is to move down to Louisiana as soon as I graduate. Barring academic disaster, August. Should I have issues, I will have to make an additional priority- if I can make up a final single class at SELU, then THAT is my preference and I will have to find a way to pursue it, understanding that it may not be possible if I cannot secure funding for it outside of my parents, who may not be willing to pay for it. If I AM forced to stay, my number one priority will be to take the classes necessary to graduate and to work in the mean time- absolutely necessary that if I must do this I work- to generate income to get set for the future and support Tabi in the set up and living expenses. This is getting tangential, however. My first priority is to prepare and move down there to set up. If it comes to a conflict of interests with my family, her needs must supersede them at all times. I am rather afraid of what this may mean depending on the time of the funeral, however, there is a risk of them being very upset at some point. If it must be sooner rather than later, then it must. I would prefer to ease into the transition, but I will do as I must.