Starting Somewhere

So I had never really in the past bought into the dominant/submissive thing. As far as I'm concerned all people have both a tendency to lead and to follow, though they may vary to degrees, and I'd figured the healthiest and most useful kind of person would be capable both of taking charge when they were the one most suited to do so and to follow when someone else had greater knowledge or expertise in the given area. In many regards I still believe this; being a good listener is a part of being a good leader or conversationalist, and knowing how authority and organization works does a lot to help one be a productive employee/follower who will not cause undue stress or gunk up the system. But I suppose I'd assumed a level of easy trade back and forth or duality for most parts of life, the casual and unstructured home and friends environments. I have enough tendencies of a loner that I was generally convinced that it was normal and good to be caring to the interests and needs of the others in this situation, but to ultimately act by one's own thoughts. I suppose this had the obvious problems of creating a feeling of distance and slight unease between one and the whole.

Now looking at things, I'm beginning to understand that the approach taken can affect one's mindset- and vice versa. Which makes it no wonder so many people not taught or used to leading cannot fare well under the proper circumstances. We do not help teach them methods to do so, nor cultivate any proper mental structure for it. Likewise, those who lead are often unsympathetic or blind to the ways of others because they are taught so much to focus on themselves and the way things move around them.

As much as I find my mindset has been badly set up and my life mismanaged to cultivate the proper mixture of sympathy and ambition- ambition I generally find myself sorely lacking in, at least in part because I tend to wind up focused on short term interests, goals, and fancies rather than having grand ambitions or "dreams" per say, as much as I am often captivated by the dreams of others.

And I do not mind assisting them in these.

...but there's something... not one hundred percent fulfilling about this. It's not that it does not please me, and I think it's an important part of my life. I am not good at being that first motion, the kick off in a direction and inspiration, but I feel useful being an aiding or guiding hand it accomplishing the things others set up, when they inspire me. But as much as when I speak publicly, or lead, I find myself sweating bullets and shaking uncontrollably afterwards, I feel like my time in the BSA and at Loyola have cultivated an instinct for it. When it's the right time for me to do so and I have the skills appropriate to be the one stepping up, I feel proud of my performance. It is fulfilling in a different way, also not the whole, but very satisfying and important. The feeling of control, expertise, and security. Power, but not so much a rush as a soothing pleasure of it.

Not that I don't experience a rush from power in other places, however...

The more I reflect the more I realize that I do not want this to become my life. That isn't me. It does not suit me, nor appeal to me, even if it tends to leave a surge of confidence and go-get-'em energy in its wake. No, the Man-in-Charge is not who I am. But that dominant energy IS a part of what I am, a part that I believe I underplay far too often.

So lately it's come back to me. And I need to feel it more often. I need to become it, experience it, control it, and live in it. Because I that seems the only way apparent at the moment to ingrain it so deeply in myself that it is as frequent, if not more, and natural as my... not submissive, but impartial or aiding side of my persona. Or at least, I can't help but think something like that. This has to be in my all the time, not just sometimes.

Part of me wonders if Tabi believes that it IS me in my most natural state, or wants me to be it all the time, but as much as I do adore it's benefits and am thrilled at the prospect of integrating them into everything...

I really enjoy watching the rest of the world, listening, and being there to give a helping hand or gentle guidance far too much to go and head for a point at which I feel like nothing more but one more pushy force aching to be heard and heeded.

No. Too much wanting. I do lots of it, maybe too much. What I need is to be better at being aggressive in satisfying those wants, but not blindly so, so that I can get the satisfaction out of the way and then look to that of others. And I understand leading does not even mean myself first. If anything, I believe it means myself last. So many people try and put pedestals under those in power or fame or control, and make them seem privileged places to be envied. But I DON'T envy them. I never have. If they do it right, I respect them, and maybe envy their character and ability. But not the position.

Leading is responsibility. And responsibility just feels like a part of who I am.

Some times it stresses me to hell or makes me feel like I'm breaking down or overwhelmed. Probably a sign that I take too much of it on, or that my approach is entirely wrong. I'm not the strongest person out there. I'm not as strong as other people take me for. Sometimes I can feel invincible, and push and push and push and work edging on what seems to be indefinitely. But in the end I always end up feeling bone tired, craving solitude and peace, a chance to watch and rest and spoil myself a little and recharge. Sometimes that recharge is so hard to grasp.

I don't want to give up these responsibilities. But I'll have to give up some to make the others work. To find ways to navigate conflicts of interests, that normally hurt me so badly. Steel my resolve.

It's so hard to figure out WHERE one begins about identifying all of the things that matter to them. About ranking them. After all, one's responsibility to another might be more major than theirs to others (anyone to their family, significant other, dependents, business partners, employees, or closest friends for example) but sometimes the needs of one of those important parties might be less dire than the need of one who is less close or vital. How does one rank the seperation then? How do you prepare for it?

It's asking to make a list that I KNOW I need to at least partially make so massive in scale it boggles the mind.

But should I also be looking for who has responsibility to me?

I crave things, but I suppose I don't really feel entitled often. Should I more? Do I need to make that more a part of me?



All I know is I need to start somewhere on both accounts.

I can't ever really get off the ground enough in my new self, discovery and assertiveness, bringing out the parts I'm rediscovering, unless I get a clear enough order to things to maintain some control. On the other hand, I know I couldn't' stomach cutting off too much for too long, and the more in control and in possession of my own self and power I am, the more I'll be capable of maintaining.

It's a real tight rope walk.

Something about it is... thrilling. Parts of it terrify me and make me hesitate. But it is so enticing, and every time I toe the waters something in me lets me know that I NEED this. I'm missing it more than I should be, and it's fantastic. But that power is every bit as much work as it is fun in nature.


So don't envy those in control.

Help them be worthy, deserving of that control if you can. And if they are, help them. Because if they're worth it, they'll be helping and caring for you- probably more than you ever realize.

From Out Of Nowhere

And for those of you who aren't gonna catch that, yes, I am managing to make song reference titles again. It's a song by Apocalyptica, on Inquisition Symphony. If you don't know what album I'm talking about, you should go listen to it. Right now.

I'll wait.





So. Today's date. Check it. I'm in Maryland, which is not really a wintery state. And now, we are about to start April, sitting right there on the verge of it. That's the month of my birth, in which it's typically sunny despite the old rhyme, and Easter egg hunts are great fun and all that, and everybody relaxes and enjoys how the nice weather is beginning. Only today, after finishing much of my work I talk to Tabi on the phone- and as I am looking out the window to enjoy the scenery, limited as it is, as I often like to do because I'm fidgety and must be thinking about, doing, or observing two things at once at all times, even if more than two often enough overloads me, I stop and see it- snow.

It was snowing in Maryland, on the 30th of March.

I almost wish it had waited until Friday, for various obvious reasons.

But it was incredible, even for something so small and simple, a little dusting of white over the grass and patches of snow sitting amidst it, even if most of the walkways and buildings only looked a bit wet. Exciting things. I have some other exciting things to get into too, but I don't think I could do them justice at the moment. They warrant more thought and their own blog. But sooner or later I'll go and discuss my kitten's "Dom Fishie" more.

Setting the Mood

There's nothing like some good music for setting a mood sometimes. That mood can, if you pick the piece carefully enough, be everything from wonder and delight to unease and tension, besides the usual sorrow and bouts of excitement and adrenaline that modern day music is so fond of cashing in on the easy use of. The human voice is memorable, accessible, and powerful to us for obvious reasons, but there's just something to be said for a string instrument. It can play at the heart so easily, and produce sounds that reach to us but aren't easily and directly interpretable like a voice. But somehow they're very easy to relate to and powerful to us. Something that close enough to what we naturally know that can easily produce sounds that vary, much like a voice, but is never quite easy to grasp. Anger, sorrow, in fine tuned nuance, and when you play it right it can sound completely alien- a dissonance in something that we know we should feel close to that sets the mind on edge better than any electronically synthesized soundtrack.

And in a game, movie, or hell even a date, the right music can make all the difference between a completely failed scene and something engaging and powerful.

Setting the tone.

It's an important thing for one who wants to be in control, if your preferences are like my own. I don't need to control every detail. At times it's a comfort to have it all before me, but in many ways I'm much more at home when I can deal with those that I know best and just know safely that others are doing likewise. Human nature makes us team players to some extent at least, after all. But I mostly want safety, security, happiness- not real control or power, not more than the faintest tease of temptation. I don't have many real, solid and definable goals at all. I like to explore the wonder and emotions my mind can produce and some of the treats the world has to offer, and nothing thrills me quite as much as having others share it with me.

Which is why I suppose this is a skill I need to learn.

I've never been a good GM, but I've had a talent for writing. I don't kid myself and think I'm amazing, but I know that when I set my mind to it I can set a scene well, I can produce results that strike a cord with people. Once in a while I can even get the music to go with it just right. But now I think I need to really look at this for all its worth, and not just some talent I have for writing.

How can I use it in my life? How can I take control, and help to shape the why myself or others look at it?

Safety is not a good approach, no. Without a gentle hand it can breed complacency or lack of care, lead to danger. Unfortunately I think I've let myself feel that already. What I need is comfort. Reassurance. Determination- to extinguish doubt with a confidence. Confidence is good- not about a lack of obstacles, but about the ability and being proactive in eliminating and over coming them. I've seen the things Tabi is capable of. If I could do this- if I could be in control enough to play the maestro, it would be a step- more like three and a half- forward. And if I could do that, surely I could find a way to fill myself with that kind of power.

Presence, and control. Strength of mind and spirit. It's all part of one piece. And if I can understand the subject well enough, be it myself or anyone else, it is little more but a proper composition to set the mood.




But where does one begin?

So Pro

So what makes a good protagonist?

I've been watching an anime with Tabi tonight, and from what little I know of anime and manga with female target audience (I almost exclusively pay what attention I give anime to the other half, unsurprisingly) most of the time it's about one girl and all the men who wind up adoring her, or being inexplicably drawn to her, etc. Usually this is outright painful, just like the romances in boys manga, only with an art style that appeals to me less, and this romance is supposed to be the reason we care about the characters in the girls manga where as in my usual fare I can attempt to ignore it (some of the time) and care about them for the


It is late. Rest of blog is IOU.

I will edit it if I ever remember what I was trying to get at here.

Learning Experiences

So I'm curious; assuming I have more than a single reader, in what ways do you learn best? Is it different depending on what skill it is you wish to learn? Is it a common way, or something very unusual? Do you read manuals and play tutorials, or cut right to the chase?

Today I helped a friend with an assignment, namely, by playing Left 4 Dead 2.

I'm not sure precisely what her major is but she'd been looking for people to play a basic, instructional game of it with her, and I was more than happy to help. It was fun, and made for a good break from my work. The purpose of this assignment, however, was to choose two target audiences whom would be very different, and I'm assuming at least one of which would have no background genre knowledge to support them, and to create a document or presentation to teach them how to play a cooperative game. Perhaps it didn't matter that it was a game, and she went for that because she's a fan of them. Maybe she's a game design major. Not sure, but I certainly want to ask now.

In any case, we took the time to basically tour the early parts of the game, trying to encourage her to look at what we did from an observer's standpoint instead of a player's, to look at what was important to know, the mechanics, what was difficult or important to the team work and experiences, difficult vs easy things, and points of note that could be easily overlooked by the uninformed.

I know it's not feasible to make a tutorial instead of this for her assignment, but in full honesty; to learn a game, what works for you best? I find for most people it's tutorials. Not only do they test your capability and understanding of what they're teaching, but they mean practice and involvement. They draw you into the experience when done right, and make it interesting- a quality that greatly enhances the rate of learning. People learn fun things and survival skills pretty quickly after all, but the boring stuff usually takes effort (whatever it is that bores you).

So, assuming to play a game, a tutorial is the preferred method...

How does one craft a good tutorial?

I think my favorites have always been the ones that haven not really seemed like/been tutorials. You'll know it's scripted, but if it pretends to make things a part of the game and uses discrete button or menu cues, these things often can blend into gameplay and let you immerse yourself. I find these the most enjoyable, but how does one hide the tutorial skeleton without making it potentially too punishing for the learning players? Ease them in without making it feel like you're holding their hand for baby steps? Do you dump it all at once or spread it out through the game?

Food for thought.

Short and Late

For both of these reasons, I need to learn to write and read faster. I take a long time deliberating, I know, but even with my long nap earlier I need to hit the sack in a hurry right now so I can be up and functioning on time for my classes tomorrow. I know there are programs meant to make your read faster, though I wonder how many of those are skimming for important points and how many actually allow more expedient reading and comprehension of written word. Comprehension I seem to do fine on, but reading speed could always use a little more work. Writing as well-

Though, is it my composition, very purposeful deliberation mid writing, or actual writing pace which is slow? If I learned to plan things out better ahead of time would that fix the issue?

All worth looking after somewhere.

I'm not sure now is the time to try investing too much time or money into efforts to get faster though. I need to accomplish some other things before I have time enough for that.

Loudocity

Let me start by saying, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

It doesn't hurt my ears at the moment, but in the dead of the night, when you sleep head beside the window so the light can help wake you up in the morning, there are a few things that can easily wreck your beauty sleep. You'd think "well, the garbage truck just outside would do it" but strangely not.

Helicopters.

At least once a day one of them buzzes low over my school, a deafening thrumming sound that I could mistake for a motorcycle driving inside my room.

But why so often? I know the economy is in a tough spot and things could get worse, but I'm near Camp David, which last I recalled was not a place for congressmen to meet at regularly or retreat two and from. And no, it's not a sound I'm used to either. This is new- not even last semester did it happen, just this one. Are things so bad people are retreating to use Camp David as a meeting place? I could be wrong and maybe it's normal to meet there... but obviously not too normal or I'd have noticed it some time in the past three and a half years. And what's the other point they frequently fly to?


Why is it too much to fly at a reasonable height and not shake people's rooms?

I mean, sure we're college students and we do that with the bass now and again, but at least we can turn that off to sleep or work...

Double Checking

This has been a great deal of my work today. Double, and triple checking. Going through my simulation has been long and tedious, but in some ways the progress made there is very rewarding. It's being able to see the clear advancement forward, and the future in it, planning ahead, and feeling in control. Honestly, it's a great deal of fun. It's also exhausting and at times frustrating and infuriating. Finding something you've done wrong and being forced  to redo a great portion of your work? Ugh. It's a massive pain in the ass. The reward for getting it right is pretty great, but...

It sort of makes me wonder if this kind of job would work well for me. What if I had focused in accounting instead? It might not allow my creative side, which could have infuriated me. But on the other hand, I know it's still a thinking game when you take it beyond simple book keeping. So slow progress, but... is it sure?

There's a log going on, and I can't seem to figure out if I feel great confidence... or uncertainty about this.

Despite that, it's fun. And I suppose... that's what counts?


This blog took me too long to write. I suppose I spent too much time looking for something else to write about, in a day that's been fairly consumed by one thing. x.x

Today feels like it's been a long day.

I've gotten my work done, but it's about all I've accomplished today. I got posts up for Tabi earlier in the day, before she left to shop and head home. After that, I spent the rest of the day working. I'm done everything for tomorrow. I need to spend a lot of time reviewing tomorrow, but not study so much work and hard production stuff. I just wish I felt like I was productive. I'm working, and moving forward. But today, I feel more like it's all walking in place than going anywhere. I know why I'm working, and I know I accomplish some, but every time I do I just wind up feeling like whatever I've finished hasn't gotten me any closer to anything.

Why is that? Why do I feel so discouraged and helpless?

And Tabi lifted my mood so easy earlier, but it's like trying to work on things since, and feeling like I've done something wrong and am being cold shouldered... she was in the game when I checked it to see if that's why she was being so quiet, but I couldn't even get her to give me more than one word, disinterested feeling answers there. I know she's feeling bad, and I'm desperately wanting to help, but nothing seems to work. And I feel like she's taking it out on me, almost like my intention of aiding her is making it worse, or her angrier.

I've felt sadder, lonelier, angrier, and more hurt than I do now. It's happened when things go wrong with our relationship or with something in one of our lives. I've always learned that we can work through it. Sometimes she's mocked me for not taking her worries seriously. And given how my chest often aches when something bothers her so, and how I tell her about it, fuss, worry, try and look over her, I don't understand why she keeps thinking it that way. And maybe I have taken light, quick fixes to many problems- usually the ones that there is no hard, real feeling, permanent solution for. There is no magic wand to fix our moods permanently, there is nothing but what I've been doing, slowly moving forward, to get me down there to August and helping to make our home and settle in. And so many times, it feels like our moods or worries, and fights, are our worst enemies. A quick fix to a quick problem so often sets us back on course where we started- moving forward and fixing those. I know this, I've seen how Tabi can shut herself down when she's in the dumps, and what amazing things she's capable of when she sets herself to it. I don't nearly measure up, but I know I cross a spectrum likewise. It's worked to get us this far, and shows no reason of failing.

So why does today feel so bleak?

Huh.

So.

I am a technophobe.

I feel like an old man, anyway, fiddling with my new phone. Got it in today, and it works quite well so far, but like I was afraid of, it has bells and whistles and I'm trying to figure out how to get around them to the stuff I want to work with. Upside is that it came with a better camera and more memory, and has a digital signal. My old phone apparently was from the stone age when they banged rocks together for music and used analog for their cell phone connections. So the connection and quality is already better. That is a strong upside, and I'm quite happy with that fact.

I just wish it wasn't a flip phone, and all gadgety.

Sure, it can do more things now- but if I only want to send text messages and make calls, it's now 30% less efficient and more annoying to do so. Part of that is just me not being used to it, but even a 15% worsening of ease of access seems like a miscalculation in design and makes my eye all twitchy. I suppose if I typed on keyboards with my thumbs instead of my whole hands the keyboard would feel more intuitive. But I prefer using the front buttons if I can help it because the keyboard is not something I consciously know the position of keys on, it's trained muscle memory. Which means I have to either train the same way for just my thumbs on this phone's keyboard, or hunt and peck painfully. On keys that my fingers are too big to hit properly.


Also, did well on my drive today.

Major roads are exhilarating in a nerve-blowing way and relaxingly smooth all at once.

Weird.

THE E COMES FIRST FISH. E FIRST.

Today was a pretty good day. I felt rather tired much of it, but, I got to spend time with Tabi, and while it was short... I felt like it was good? I dunno how to say it. Despite that it was very short and I do want more, I greatly enjoyed the time we got. I don't know how or why, but it felt very natural and fun.

After that I saw the counselor. And Tabi wanted to know what we talk about, so I figured I'd put it here; today we mostly talked about the trip and how it seemed like she and my folks got along. I mostly talked a lot and she nodded today, which I'm not nearly so fond of. She's a good listener, but while I can babble it's not really as relieving to listen or speak as it is to... converse. I dunno, there is a line of separation somewhere in there. But while I did a lot of thinking during that, I didn't really get any answers that way. Mostly just got a bit off my chest and left me with a warm fuzzy as the last thing I discussed was Tabi. I got some texts off to her after, but unfortunately I had a second meeting. She was gone when I got back.

That's the sort of thing that makes for sad Fishy.

But I more felt... curious about things and looking forward to her coming back than anything. I wish I wasn't so exhausted now so I could stay up all night to be bubbly and excited with her. However, no sleep for the Fishy until the Kitty comes home.


One interesting thought from the therapist. I'm going to start keeping a chart, tomorrow hopefully, to get a general idea of when my brain seems to be functioning at peak performance and at my most productive, and when it's not. We're trying to figure out if it's simply a natural rhythm going on that I can observe and work with, or what other factors it might be. It's an interesting thought.

Also should be getting a new phone tomorrow. I'll be going to the shop then and asking about everything regarding switching phones. Not positive I'll be able to get a new one then and there, but it's the main objective. Gonna have to withdraw more money to have readied just in case. x.x

Technology

Is it strange to get attached to pieces of technology?

I don't mean it in the "is it unusual" sense because I know it's not unusual to get emotional at technology, because it's there, and it's so integral to the things we do nowadays that they are the equivalent of the most frequently used, precious and hard to replace (or at least expensive to) tools. I mean it in more the sense of "neverminding that we all do so, is it strange?"

After all, they're inn inanimate. They're not going to get their feelings hurt and start malfunctioning in a fit of petty vengeance. Though it certainly does seem that way at times.

I'm currently dealing with two such things. My laptop gets no love anymore. I'd feel bad for it, but if it was sentient, I'd say it was really out to get me and has a warped sense of humor. That thing is getting wiped and recieving shiny new parts soon anyway. It had better forgive me for whatever gave it the grudge, or so help me...

...I guess maybe it does count, so subject B of this account is my shiny desktop, on which I am typing this blog. My kitten got it for me, and while it's not nice to cuddle or adorable and sweet like she is, Asmus is a powerful machine and has been extremely reliable and helpful so far. Also, Windows 7, which makes me wonder why my laptop did not abandon Vista the moment the new OS came out. I plan to demand that's part of the reformatting. But I'm even more fond of it as it's a gift from her. It's the thing that lets us do all of our favorite relaxation activities together, and has helped maintain my sanity, along with her and a few other choice friends, during the rougher patches this past year. I owe her a lot for it. I try to use the gift to give right back, but sometimes it's difficult to figure out just how- and I am distractable.

Thirdly, there is my phone.

I am very fond of my phone in the sense that I am comfortable with it's physical design and programming. It's a good shape for me, it's small enough to easily stick even in tiny pockets, it does everything I want a phone to do, excepting that the picture quality could be better, and it is sturdy. I've dropped it and banged it about a number of times to no avail, where as the newer models of phones I distrust for how many people I've seen drop them once and have them wrecked entirely, not to mention that I prefer the classic flick open design for several reasons over the flat slide or flip phones. And don't even get me started on using touch screens. The kinds of problems Tabi had with hers would instantly become pet-peeves for me, and the touch pad liked her. It did not like me, they never do. Not one bit.

But it need to be replaced, I know.

Before I smash the damned thing.

Not for the first time it simply refused to send something for unfathomable reasons, within a full bars zone. I was initially reluctant to blame it since I am so used to and appreciative of it's design, but much as I might enjoy the skeleton, the innards need to go. So unless I go all Frankenstein on it, it's damn time I get a new phone. This weekend unless I am grossly unlucky, and it sounds like with a large discount. It dropped a text I was sending, without ever making a sound to signal this. Because of this deficiency, Tabi thought I never answered her.

And so I've spent the day since that point making calls that apparently weren't made after all, due to this thing being a piece of shit, on a semi-regular basis. Left a message or two, though I'm not positive she got even one. Think she said she did. Not 100% sure. Texts dropped. Not received. Etc. It's happened before. Never happened to me with anyone but her, but it has had notoriously bad signal (which I am now starting to believe might be the phone's fault as well as my campus. There's no doubt this place has poor signal strength). But I'm running out of excuses for it, and interest in defending it. If all of this is even partly it's fault, you know what? I'm ready to toss it out.

I just wish there wasn't that old codgery technophobe in me grumbling about how the next model will have more bells and whistles mucking up a good design by overcomplicating it and be buggier for it all at the end. Urg.

If it gives me constant, sure fire texts and calls in clear quality to Tabi though, I'll get over it.

...do hope it's not a touch screen though.

D;

My back hurts.

Again.

I think it's getting worse. Upside is, I seem to be having rapidly diminishing numbers of headaches. I think my body is going on some kind of sadistic point system in deciding what kind of pain and how much of it I should be experiencing at any given time. Especially since it loves that one spot between the bottom of the shoulder blades that, no matter what I do and how much I try, refuses to crack and give me a bit of relief. The cracking probably isn't good for me anyway, on the upside. Downside being FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

Speaking of which. I had an exam in economics today.

Everyone in my class did.

I didn't manage to finish it before the time limit ran out.

No one in my class did.

...well, all of 3 people did, but saying so really breaks up the flow of things. He's admitted he's going to curve it, but grrr.


Upsides of the day include that Tabi and my little place is undergoing inspections now, such as what furniture we'll keep/get to have. On that list is a full poster queen size. Fishy like. I just hope the floor can support it~ <3

Elbow Grease

So we've figured out where we're going to be living. Tabi's friend has a small two person place within a short walk of her residence (Tabi's friend's mother rather, but they seem to have unofficially adopted her now so they're all close). It's not looking quite so hot at the moment, because of a bit of a harsh surprise. The former resident of this location had several dogs. Who he did not let outside often enough. Ew.

It's been a long time since he moved out though, and while it's still in the sanitizing and remodeling stage, by the time we move in it'll be nice and... well, it'll be better than some places I've had to stay, I can say that much at the least. It shouldn't be so much a bad place as a bare bones, stripped place by the time we start into it, which will be a bit of a change for me, but it really puts me in the mind of my aunt's house. Granted, some parts of her house were very well polished and nice, but since it was all built by us ourselves much of the wood just seemed to never get a finish, or even sanded. Lots of make shift that never finished. Not my ideal, but... I love that house. I enjoy their company so maybe it's good memories, but it's a bit therapeutic.

Additionally, we'll have lots of friends around for company, food or a place to stay if somethings up in short term emergency cases, and help with our rebuilding. Part of me thinks it'll be fun. I'll get to find a pair of work gloves again and work on projects. Home improvement. Like being in Scouts again, to a degree, which will be fun. Getting myself back into the physical work and chugging along. Likewise, I'm feeling more pumped about going to the gym and working out. Which is a fairly good trend for me, given how that's the general area I'm typically most inclined to forget to keep up to shape. >.>

Tabi got me watching the Karate Kid movies, which I've never seen before. I partly blame that, as I'm really enjoying them, for how I'm wanting to take up a martial art again (and well aware I don't have the time).

If I DID though... I wonder which one I'd go for.

The Carpenters Are Creepy

I took an interesting test today, giving a break down estimation of how one thinks. The funny thing is, you didn't REALLY answer questions. You got to see shapes in colors- red and white, circles and triangles and lines mostly. It was an interesting way, using those, constantly "vibrating" or "pulsing" and asking you to pick one of two options constructed of them to answer questions ranging from "which is angrier?" and "where is the sin?" to "how do you stop them lying about you?", "Which one is pretending to be you?" and "Has the horror only just begun?"

No, I'm serious. Those last three were my last three questions, in that order. I was freaking out.

And then the Carpenters started playing in my head. Don't know what I'm talking about?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcnOwTQyviU&feature=related

Two of the creepier movies I've ever seen, 1408 and In The Mouth Of Madness (I don't think either ranks quite number one) both featured, for no reason I could fathom, the Carpenters' "We've Only Just Begun". Possibly "We've Only Just Begun To Live". The song is kind of upbeat, and obviously, you can read the title. And now it creeps me the hell out.

Somewhere between the two, it made me curious about associations. They're strangely powerful.

When it asked me which one was angrier, and I saw a white ball and a red ball that was leaving a red glow in the area around it, pulsing, I knew I was answering the red one instinctively. And I knew it was silly and I knew why I was answering it. But it was also the instinctive reaction to that question after a half second of disbelief at "there aren't answers!" So those things weren't necessarily related, nor were the Carpenters creepy. But put two and two together and all of the sudden...

Its a funny power that not-quite-logic of the brain has to shape our perceptions of the world. How does it change things we see each day without us realizing it?

Vroom Vroom

Today was largely uneventful, but there are a few points worth noting.

First off, I went driving, as the name suggest. I already talked it all out with Tabi, so I don't feel chatty about what exactly happened during said driving, but for all my disinterest in it in general... I feel like I'm learning quickly. There's a level of thrill in success and acquiring the skill, capability. But I'm certainly not one of your typical males all pumped to hit the road.

Additionally, later on today I kicked my headache from hell, and got some more work done. But afterwards- Tabi and I finally figured out what our plans for living are. I rather like it- we'll be near friends, the payments will be amazingly low, and we'll have all the utilities we'd been hoping to get in the first place, plus more than we'd expected. The space might be a hair slim, but even if the original owner takes the second room, it'll be one friend of hers- I think they're friends? She's good friends with the rest of his family anyway- taking up just a little space. The positioning is not bad either.

What it WILL mean is me driving more crazy roads.

But, I mean, I've been learning on the unpopulated roads of Maryland.

Even the major streets around here don't go straight for long and don't make sense.

Once I'm driving well enough to be licensed, it'll only be me and a little nerves between Tabi and I connecting the dots between an amazing living opportunity and the rest of the world.

I need to start doing some math soon.

I keep wanting to count down the days until Kitty Time, but I don't know the number. Perhaps my project for tomorrow. <3

Fishy out.

Le Sigh Part II

There probably isn't a part one in so far as title. There are probably too many parts in so far as focus.

Kitty is still gone. I could start counting days again, but it's over a month right now so I'm mostly just missing her a bit. Today was productive up until the hour I just spent sitting about being distractable and lost in thought since I started this. Probably more than. So while I think I'm getting past the depression of the sudden separation mostly well, it's obviously weighing on my mind a little. However, I seem to be ahead of schedule on my work thus far. Not as much as could be/I would like to be, but then, I'd like to be done and that never quite happens.

Not except nearish the end anyway, but it usually leaves just enough time for Kitty-time.

That's been helping me today. A few things I'm annoyed had to be put off, however, because of it I just looked at things today and said "you know what, I'll start working on this little project". Something I've had in mind but never really made an effort to start. And now that it's in the process, I'm rushing to get it done.

I don't blame Tabi for missing her class, and know she was really trying to make it. It really does suck that she missed the thing that was the reason for why she left on Wednesday morning instead of Thursday- or late Wednesday night. Frustrating and depressing at first, very much so.

But in the end it's just unfortunate, and I mostly care that it has her down.

So for now... I'm trying to see how much I can work on this project at once without my ADD killing me. So far I got over an hour all at once crammed in, almost two I think. Maybe a little over. I think it is time for a break from it and writing now, but I really am hoping to have it done for her ASAP. It'll be fun to show off, and I can't think of a better time than now.

Missing You

So you all might have noticed that I was counting down, and then stopped. Well, Tabi got here. Her trip was fantastic. I think she was worried about meeting my family, but my impression is that she's much more relieved now. They got on pretty well. I don't think some of them realized how much they had in common until they met, and other than her discovering how intimidating my father can (unintentionally) be before she got comfy with him, I think it went well. Unfortunately, she had to leave again.

That was today.

I can't really think of a lot to say. I miss her, and I'm looking forward to when I see her next. Plans are already in motion for that. By August I should be able to move down and this "seeing her" thing will be more daily than vacation based. Which will be fantastic.

Until then we've got another couple of months that could be tough. Once we hit summer, somehow, it feels like we're home free.

I have had my ups and downs today. I feel mostly just tired, and depressed about seeing her go, but at the same time I think I'm starting to get the hang of looking forward for inspiration and thinking of surprises for her as motivation. Neither has really panned out today, but.. I figure we're each allowed a day to be down in the dumps. At least I can get some school work done later, and talk to her some. That'll be fun.

Now I just hope she gets where she's going safe and soon so she can rest, and I can talk to her then.

Fishy out.

Less Than Two

Less than two days now.

Today I got my self out there and went to Economics class and... meh. Got more of the material than usual, but generally that class leaves me boggled until I sit down and attempt to solve the problems. I get a sort of shallow understanding of it all then. The basic micro economics I loved, but anything beyond the basics of macro seems lost on me. On the other hand, I took my spreadsheeting based management/organization exam today. It was covering our work so far with Solver on Excel, and for some reason my head was exceptionally clear during it. I feel like there's a light hint of fog, or distraction, something gunking up the works just slightly so often now adays. But I got this hour of clarity there, and worked. And I'm not sure if it's related or because I know I know the material, but I do not exaggerate when I say I think I scored 100% on the exam.

Now if only I could manage that with the other ones.

Fortunately most of them are after break from here on out because break is soon (less than two days! *jigs*) and I'm starting to get nervy and hyped up over how much stuff I have left to do. Specifically I have to clean, organize, laundry, pack books, and so forth. Also thinking about making my bed or something nice to prepare for Tabi... though perhaps she'd be more excited to see the mild mess I live in 90% of the time, and such? Nice and presentation, or Fishumentary? I'unno. I'm leaning for a lazy niceness, which I guess is somewhere between the two.

Less than.

Less than two.

*dances instead of cleaning*

Less Than Three

<3

That's how many days it is until I see my kitten.

And give her a big hug and about a bazillion mwahs. Give or take a dozen.

But today I got a special present none the less. My library. <3

Actually, Tabi made me a library in Minecraft. I helped, I just didn't know it. Today I came to see the drastically spruced up and shiny finished product of my surprise present I'd helped build the frame of, and to explore and have fun in it. Then creepers got on the roof and we made repairs. D: I really do love the thing, but she seems uncertain about it. Makes me feel really bad, but I dunno how to convince her that I really do love this thing. Doesn't stop me from wanting to build MORE libraries, but that has to do with how awesome they are, not with any dissatisfaction. It's very pretty and almost... organic, for a library. Just a treat to explore. I only wish you could name things or leave bigger messages in books/bookshelves in game.

She's also been afraid of the trip. Extremely excited. But she's also having nightmares. About my family. AND MY CAT. I do understand how unnerved she is about meeting my parents, as much as I underplay that trying to calm her down and make it less so. But relaxing and going into it not expecting doom and gloom is probably the best thing she can do to make it go over well. I'm not concerned her nerves will put them off. Just that she'll come away panicking and making mountains out of something she could have enjoyed if she'd managed to shrug the nerves off. But that's no easy task.

Which, I suppose, is where I come in.

My job is a simple one.

But mostly, I think I do it well. ~<3