It feels like having the same conversation over and over sometimes. We never really have hard and fast answers to some things, many of them. It's hard to. A lot of life's questions don't come with material quantities and answers. It's  Guesswork, emotion, thought, values, and abstracts. Speculation and planning. Hindsight and want. So maybe it's natural that we cant' get solid answers but... it feels like we keep going in circles.

It's frustrating, especially since with as upset as I can get in these, stressed and worried, especially since we seem to have them all when I'm dead tired, I remember mostly what is said but how it's put and the actual implications all blur together. I can remember the basics enough to know the arguments back track plenty though. If they are even really arguments.

Now, this I know isn't entirely true- perhaps partly though- but many times it feels like Tabi has already decided in her head, maybe only subconsciously, what the outcome should be, or she wants, and tries to lead me by the hand to different extremely specific questions, replies, or statements. Like there's a script and she's trying to coach me to it subliminally. Sometimes she can come off like that, and with how her mind can go in so many directions so well all at once, I wouldn't doubt she does it from time to time, but I'd never have thought it more than a minor and occasional thing accidentally slipping in if she hadn't admitted to trying to coach me to one question earlier... only for it to feel afterwards like she was frustrated at poor luck trying to coach me toward the right details behind it.

A silly though, I'm sure, but they often seem less a "let's find a solution of some kind" talk or a "getting things off our chests and expressing our thoughts" talks, and more like she's driving for very specific, narrowly defined goals.



...in any case, been looking over the supply chain management stuff, and I'm thinking of looking into the processes specific companies use as well, since often if the work is toward a good goal, the method can mean as much for my enjoyment as the subject. After all, were I to brush back up on my accounting, I could enjoy even just balancing books. Not as much luck finding that so far, unsurprisingly, but taking specific examples of class work or sample questions could do some aid, so I'm thinking I need to dig into the powerpoints again and maybe do more academic research into it.

I also need a plan to help her with these discussions, and to land a job ASAP. I keep trying to plan it, but I'm not making any headway today. Which makes sense. I was deprived of sleep yesterday, and I only got three hours for all of today. Pretty sure I'm behind more than a full night's rest in the past three days, and I can kind of feel it causing a drag on my thinking. If she can cope high functioning and clear for more than short bursts in these kinds of conditions, I don't know how. I'm doing the best of it I can for her but it only goes so far.

We're only as strong as we need to be... so when we need to be stronger...


I don't know.

I feel like I am growing stronger, more capable, tougher, smarter. Fixing my issues and or depression. Only it seems like it's all sinking me into a different kind of pit. Not depression but... I dunno what. And I can't help but think... haven't I already not been as strong as I needed to be more than once now?

I'm not going to ask if I can trust myself to be when the times comes.

But I wish I knew how I could prepare myself to be ready for it without a doubt. We both have enough doubt right now.