Ass out of me.

Maybe u, but me, anyway.

That's a theme I need to stop, and the main problem of the day. I DID send my kitten kisses, and I want to know why they didn't go through, but that'll be something I'll have time to figure out. I used to be so much better at that. In the mean time, I think I'm starting to get past my derp enough to handle what I should be doing to make this better. Knowing me, that's not a fix... but a road to improvement is nearly as good.

In the mean time, I am a bit excited about the package I'm hoping to send this week. It'll mean learning to do a thing or two, as well as how packaging and shipping works, but that's not a bad thing to learn. And I think she'll like it. Of course, a delay is possible, but my aim is to have it shipping by Friday.



...why is that song... I don't even...

Good news and bad today. It sounds like, after review, mostly good, but I don't to trust my luck further than I have to. I do it a bit much already.

Tomorrow is classwork, Tabi's test (hopefully The Stand), some driving, and yardwork. I want those bushes trimmed because they look funny and... for some reason that's the kind of light, but productive yardwork I enjoy. Shame there's so many bushes.

iashjjdsjlfjklefjkl

Parallel parking should not be this hard.

It doesn't even look that hard. The concept is simple. Yes, I never expected to get it day one. Yes, I did get some progress today. But geeze. Pull up parallel the spot in front of the one you want. Back up into it at a 45 degree angle. When the back nears the curb, turn the wheel sharply in the opposite direction, then continue to back up in order to even out. Make minor adjustments backing up or moving forward where necessary.

Simple idea. Maybe not "simple" simple, but not rocket surgery.

Yes. Surgery with rockets.

Anyway, work is progressing too. I think tomorrow is gonna be a lot of house chores and stuff like that to make me feel all comfy and accomplished, and probably make me crave a good ol' nap. I miss naps. Needing one is not fun, but naps were always nice.

Also thinking I'll plug into my presentations work. I enjoyed that, learning power point simply and making progress.

Also, need to start reading. The kitten will leave me far enough behind as is. Fishy must needs to increase his reading speed.

Certainty, or Ambition?

I've got a few things to look at in the coming up weeks. I'll want to pick out a couple courses for certain, though we've got two strong competitors already, and then get registered for the fall. They're both 8-week so they should only take half the fall- but probably the latter half of it. So this is a grand opportunity. If I can convince them to fund me, I can move down, get set up, moved in, and have myself settled for work all before the books have to come down for me to get ready for my classes. The question is though, should I take one class, or two? Easier ones, or harder? Regardless, I'd like them to take chunks out of what I'll need to graduate. Any headstart will be fantastic.

But is it better to get hard things out of the way, really prove it all?

Or to look at the tight situation and setbacks, and look for what to do to make sure things can't go wrong?

I'm never quite sure what to do about my thought method.

It works fine for most things. I process quickly once I internalize information, though I am often slow about that. I can analyze and go deep into things. Though my memory is terrible. And maybe that's a part of it. Tabi focuses heavily on some subjects, and so she frequently applies lessons from movies, TV, just about anything entertainment media we view as lessons to them. Sometimes the impression of the "ah-huh" when someone on a TV show quotes some good advice that she views applicable reminds me of Bible-thumping. But that's not the point. The point is that I don't process things that way. Maybe because my brain doesn't focus on the same things long and hard. Maybe it's bad memory. Maybe the lines are hazy of complex and mine do tend to go different directions. I'm sure it's also partly because while I view TV as capable of giving sound advice I'm naturally very skeptical of taking literal meaning to heard from enetertainment media.


Sometimes an idea is a good idea, but it being in a movie doesn't justify it or anything else, necessarily.

And now there's worries and concerns about her worth, and, well...


It's so hard to find the proper line between turning her over my knee and striping her ass and treating her like a princess, to show her now much she's worth. Despite all the trials and troubles she's had. Hell. She might like to pretend they make her less somehow, but life is what happens in it. To you, or from you. And she's had a lot of life, and made a hell of a lot more out of what was laid on her plate than anyone I know has made sense of.

That tells me very well about what kind of worth she has.

And I'm still counting.

Today was full of big things.

First of all, all of the planned for today's stuff didn't happen- so tomorrow is pretty much going to be all the stuff that was planned for today, and a haircut. Somebody else needs one and mine is coming due. Suddenly, A Close Shave plays in my head. Go figure. But anyway, haircut and catch up is tomorrow, but at least my school work has a lot more settled and I've gotten into it a bit.

Also went for a long drive today- we took some back roads neither of us had ever taken before, and while dealing with being fairly lost, navigated our way to MSM, pulled through, and turned around. The whole trip took about three hours, but there was a bright side- I did fantastic on the driving, was able to calmly pick up on what few issues I had, and improve on them all in the same drive. I even was able to navigate most of the way home without needing to rely on instructions, and I didn't feel entirely shabby about doing the drive from memory. My one new issue I've found, though, is a small tendency to push the speed a bit on smaller roads when I come off of big ones. You just feel so slow on little roads once you're coming off something fast.

The discussions are also still going on, and I've still mostly got one answer- don't let it be an issue.

If it somehow becomes one... I can manage.

I know that I can find a way to make it work out without driving a wedge imbetween us.

But I don't want that to come to matter in the first place. So I'm turning my focus to making sure the other bit comes out just fine. But I do think a meditation/brainstorming period tomorrow would benefit.

Big day. Big things.

Also, fourth of July.



Go blow something up.

Patriotically.

Today I accomplished some good things.

I also have a new- potential, since it's not certain and my aim is to make sure it never becomes an issue anyway- problem coming up though, and I can't seem to come up with solutions. Granted, I have one single solution, and it's the one I'm planning my energy and focus toward. But alternatively? What am I going to do to make up for the lack if that falls through? The first thing thrown out I do not like. Do not like it at all. But considering the rather stringent requirement any thing else has to go through to cover the same ground... I'm having shit luck coming up with a different route.

At least I got to have some fun doing something different. The party was pretty decent. still not my scene, but few parties but ol' New Years seem to prove to be. But learning to get better at them is helpful.

Anyway. Tonight is gonna be about drilling the problem into my head so I can remember to think on it some when I wake up. We'll see how much time I get for drilling, I think the pillow is gonna put me under fast.

Today: Wracking my brain, stress, problem shooting. Got a 90/100 on my pre-class "exam". Lots of cleaning done in the room and around.

Tomorrow: Got to finish cleaning/organizing. Starting into the first day of school work. Also going to prep for more jobhunting and badgering of potential jobs.

Bloggerificism time.

Writing blogs.

All the way.

Umm, today was interesting. Husking the corn was no big deal, despite that people claimed I did exceptionally well... and I didn't do anything special, just looked at it, figured out how to take it apart well, and then plucked the left over strings. I tend to be good at taking things apart. If only I was that good at putting them together, there'd be good money in it. After that I got subjected to some ideas I want to try and a sudden urge to learn to grill, only to learn the grill is empty on gas. So, that'll have to wait a bit.

However, that and the dinner- chicken apple sausage- got my brain going rapidfire on all teh stuff laid out, and now I can't help but feel like I'm wanting to tear apart the kitchen trying some new combinations. Of course, I also feel mildly jittery for soem reason, so without more focus it'd just end up making a mess.

Maybe tomorrow.

Today was exhausting, but productive!

I got the accounts for all of Stevenson's electronic fares up and running, got to my class syllabi, got to the schedules, confirmed that I should be A-okay to take my second class, got a chance to pop open the books and start browsing into them and having a head-start look at my work for week one (my ambition is to have my first week's worth of work done before week one starts so I can spend the week getting ahead on week 2 and job hunting). I also may not be done with my room, but I did a lot of cleaning and some reorganizing, and it's done wonders for making it look and feel cleaner. The desk needs an overhaul but without a trashbin and permissions to use it, I'm not entirely certain what more I can do.

Productivity feels good. Tiring, but good. I just wish I didn't keep feeling this urge to nap around dinner time.

It could have to do with how I can go to bed late or not sleep well, and I'll still wake up at 7 AM. Go back to sleep, maybe, but I still wake up feeling restless at 7 AM.

Today: See above.

Tomorrow: Read first chapter of both books, start into assignments, and The Day of A Million House Chores.

I'm really starting to think I am making a right choice with this new degree direction I'm contemplating. I'm enjoying the work so far (though I'm trying to remind myself that this is how I react to most introductory level courses for material) and it's interesting. It seems like it requires thought and planning, but that it is also a bit straightforward and by the books/numbers, which makes it manageable. So far I seem to be doing well with the work, and I'm enjoying the study time with Tabi. I think it's a practice that bears repeating, though our communication and planning regarding time management might need a little work. I feel like the time with the call earlier got away from us.

Today: Class prepping room, schedule, books, getting class info, and job hunt.

Tomorrow: More of the same, mostly. Also, hoping to start into my classwork early, and get a head start to keep me ahead of the curve.

Bleh.


BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEH.

I seem to be having arguments with no real reason with people today. My one with Tabi earlier was largely in part because she was concerned for me and trying to be helpful and perceived an attitude I was in no way trying to put off (or aware of anything similar to going on in my head). Of course, my poor kitten being exhausted, it only made things worse when she picked this up and I started to pick up on her getting defensive about it. It's sweet to think she really was concerned of me keeping hydrated, if I had hoped that was the sort of thing she'd trust me a bit more about.

I also went back and forth unusually much with my dad in the car, despite that I mostly did well.

Makes me almost wonder if somethign was up and I just didn't notice.


On a better note, I'm loving this OMIS stuff, and dual-homework doing was fun. It is gonna be worth repeating, I think.

Yayz. <3


Tomorrow: heavy duty prepr for classes.

I've had a song stuck in my head all day.

Not even a great song.

But it's wedged in there pretty tight. I can't decide if I'm amused and closer to a state of staving off chuckles every time it bubbles up again... or if I need to get a screw driver and get it out of there. @______@

Today's had some interesting food for thought. I was apparently being vague to Tabi in a way that bothered her, when I thought I'd been very direct- we'd in conversation had her ask what was wrong, as I seemed bothered, and I admitted to something. Only later, she brought it all up again and seemed entirely surprised that it was bothering me. I thought we'd been fairly explicit speaking over it earlier, but she'd come out confused. Chances are I've done the same at times, but it was still an interesting eye-opener. How often am I vague or inexplicit when I think I'm being very straight? How blunt does one need to be?

I suppose, as much as is necessary to make sure the point comes across and everyone can be on the same page.

So kitten and I have study plans for tomorrow, of a sort.

It's actually an exam, and while I do want to help her with it I think I need to reevaluate how I did last time. Sure, it was only a quiz, but I wasn't just posing her questions, but trying to lead her to the answers and help out directly. Which, when in an exam is... sorta cheating. So I need to figure out a different way to go about this.

I've never had a study group be at all successful, or really done much work with tutors or tutoring, so this is a new thing for me in some ways, the team study stuff. In some ways it's fun and works if we kind of make it a game of figuring it out and just a challenging thing we can both wrack our brains on a bit. But I like the dynamic and want to continue being a part of her studies, even if I'd probably have to reinvent the system once I get down there. So I'm going to have to figure out a way to refresh my economics skills and to make our team dynamic studying stuff work out a bit better. Besides, once I get good at helping her, she can help me the same way. Looking forward to that.


Tomorrow is job hunting and readying my pre-class stuff.

It is not Friday.

Friday.

Friday.

>:{

It feels like having the same conversation over and over sometimes. We never really have hard and fast answers to some things, many of them. It's hard to. A lot of life's questions don't come with material quantities and answers. It's  Guesswork, emotion, thought, values, and abstracts. Speculation and planning. Hindsight and want. So maybe it's natural that we cant' get solid answers but... it feels like we keep going in circles.

It's frustrating, especially since with as upset as I can get in these, stressed and worried, especially since we seem to have them all when I'm dead tired, I remember mostly what is said but how it's put and the actual implications all blur together. I can remember the basics enough to know the arguments back track plenty though. If they are even really arguments.

Now, this I know isn't entirely true- perhaps partly though- but many times it feels like Tabi has already decided in her head, maybe only subconsciously, what the outcome should be, or she wants, and tries to lead me by the hand to different extremely specific questions, replies, or statements. Like there's a script and she's trying to coach me to it subliminally. Sometimes she can come off like that, and with how her mind can go in so many directions so well all at once, I wouldn't doubt she does it from time to time, but I'd never have thought it more than a minor and occasional thing accidentally slipping in if she hadn't admitted to trying to coach me to one question earlier... only for it to feel afterwards like she was frustrated at poor luck trying to coach me toward the right details behind it.

A silly though, I'm sure, but they often seem less a "let's find a solution of some kind" talk or a "getting things off our chests and expressing our thoughts" talks, and more like she's driving for very specific, narrowly defined goals.



...in any case, been looking over the supply chain management stuff, and I'm thinking of looking into the processes specific companies use as well, since often if the work is toward a good goal, the method can mean as much for my enjoyment as the subject. After all, were I to brush back up on my accounting, I could enjoy even just balancing books. Not as much luck finding that so far, unsurprisingly, but taking specific examples of class work or sample questions could do some aid, so I'm thinking I need to dig into the powerpoints again and maybe do more academic research into it.

I also need a plan to help her with these discussions, and to land a job ASAP. I keep trying to plan it, but I'm not making any headway today. Which makes sense. I was deprived of sleep yesterday, and I only got three hours for all of today. Pretty sure I'm behind more than a full night's rest in the past three days, and I can kind of feel it causing a drag on my thinking. If she can cope high functioning and clear for more than short bursts in these kinds of conditions, I don't know how. I'm doing the best of it I can for her but it only goes so far.

We're only as strong as we need to be... so when we need to be stronger...


I don't know.

I feel like I am growing stronger, more capable, tougher, smarter. Fixing my issues and or depression. Only it seems like it's all sinking me into a different kind of pit. Not depression but... I dunno what. And I can't help but think... haven't I already not been as strong as I needed to be more than once now?

I'm not going to ask if I can trust myself to be when the times comes.

But I wish I knew how I could prepare myself to be ready for it without a doubt. We both have enough doubt right now.

Tired.

I'm definitely taking the melatonin tonight, maybe even two of them, but I need something to do either besides that or along with it. I don't doubt I'll wake up early tomorrow. Randomly, I've been waking up nice and early the past few days. The issue is getting up before I need to do anything and being worn through the day. It's a long day from 7 AM anyway, but the stress and time change and any missed hours aren't helping. I'm wondering what tricks there are that I'm missing that make dealing with that missing sleep so much more possible and effective. I can't be the only one feeling this, yet it seems like I'm usually the one running around starting things with a small debate or placeholder for what's coming up, organizing for bigger things rather than doing. That could be sheer frustration too, or my eagerness to have job and or classes pick up ASAP. It will be very nice to have something to do again. I've had goals, so I'm really hoping I can quickly orient myself to just carry a class focus with my goals.

Hopefully this shift and help with the exhaustion will also mean a shift in date night activities. I love the ones we have now, but I feel terrible when I end up exhausted and not contributing to them well. I just need to make sure my sleep comes hard and early, and my work does too. If I really organize my days around sleep and ass kicking early morning, this looks very doable to me.

I just wish that I didn't get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, now and again, that someone doens't have the same kind of faith. Heck if I know who though.

But I hope to prove them wrong, though, whomever they might be.

Is it silly to be this excited that I might take a little time tonight to watch my kitten play Dragon Age, and see what kind of character and decisions she makes? That kind of thing is just fun, to watch other people, especially her, in the process of creation or discovery. They get excited, they express themselves, they do the unexpected- play styles will differ drastically and express feelings towards what's going on as well as personality. It's a great fun to watch.

Also discovered there's a new Muppet's movie growing up. This is a strange thing for me- it's a Muppet's film coming out when I know of them and have freedom enough to enjoy it, as back in my childhood I didn't know about them, and if they were on TV it was on channels I simply wasn't shown. So while they are a nostalgia pack for most people, and a beloved symbol of childhood... they're just sorta fun for me. And that's all. I feel like I'm really missing out, especially considering how great some of it seems. Not sure how I feel about that.

Thought I guess I DO have Samurai Pizza Cats and A Goofy Movie. So there.

Also no sure why I stopped morning messaging my kitten. That is a lot of fun. Texts to say good morning. I should learn more German though. She really likes the German. I guess I should be happy she sees it as pretty too, instead of thinking it's ugly and just trying to force French on me (not that I don't hope to pick up a tiny smattering of it).

*puffs cheeks*

Dying internet is stupid.

Stupid dying internet eating my blog posts.

*unhappy sounds*

So I got to do a tour of bus routes to and from several places today. Go figure I was learning to spot them while driving down Reisterstown, which is not quite as nice as some of the other roads I've been on, even the bigger ones. And by nice I mean there are more, crazier drivers, and more places they're coming and going. But driving did go fairly well, even if I flipped a bit when I saw how part of the rear right light's protective outside had been smashed off and suddenly feared I'd somehow smacked or scraped something hard and been SO OBLIVIOUS as to miss it happening. Instead someone apparently caught it while it was parked around Monday, and decided they'd rather not leave their insurance information.

Also, took my father to Home Depot before we came home. He wanted to buy pea gravel to put around the new AC box to help keep bees from nesting there and such, and likewise wanted to check out lumber to work on building bunks for the camp... it was strange how he looked like a kid in a candy store checking out lumber.

Tomorrow: Driving.
Aaron.
Father's day.
Date night.
Reading up on interview and exercise books.

Busy as hell day.

First of all- I went to the bank. And prospects look good! They want me to talk to them more before I have a real interview, to hear about how the job works, requirements, all of that. It's a bit harder to get into in so far as they ARE going to be trusting us to handle a lot of money, but the fact that so far they seem very interested in me....

Also nice to see the library again, even if I didn't end up stopping in to get anything. I took the bus back and helped the neighbors haul some new furniture inside.

Hope I can get this job. It seems really nice, pay is good, and the experience seems solid. Time is an issue but I believe I can find ways to work around it yet. Safe, good looking on a resume, well paying, and something that uses my brain rather than my body. This could be a big change in a good direction compared to what work I've had so far, not that I've had the worst of jobs by a long shot. It'll top working at Dominos, certainly. And I can stop at the library to or from.

To do list:

Driving tomorrow morning. Practice parking, backing up, and difficult turns.
Start remembering to send texts, including good morning text.
DO NOT FORGET THE TEXTS.
Finish off work on Aaron.
Phone Dominos and harass them.

Figure out something to add to the letters.
Start reading interview or work out books.
Find an activity to do with family.

My mind has been strangely focused on the RP today. Not focused-focused I guess, because I haven't made any posts or done a lot of it in a while. Just a quiet craving to RP, and little scenes or ideas skittering across the back of my head or... ummm... mental peripheral? Something equivocal to the peripheral vision of my thoughts. No random inspirations for new characters so far though, but I have plenty of little sparks of thought for what I could do with the twins in the short term, or the plot I should start running along with Rayner and Celeste. Probably better to not be starting new characters anyway.

Now I need to figure out how a mental peripheral works.

Done: Call bank and find a bus-route to drop application off there.
Rereading some of my driver's manual.
Calls to there and Pizza Hut. Still no interview, but not turned down- I might have to harass them more to Saturday.
Working out.

Money is tighter than I realized.

And time is an issue.

I have options, lots of them- there's plenty of places around and I'm starting to get my feelers and out and figure how to get them to take applications, and given the variety stretching from part time hiring at Dominos to how we have Ritas, Giant, Mars, Blockbuster, and on down the list right here, I'm fairly positive I can get a job. Craigslist is helping too, but it's a matter of finding ways to get places and get out my feelers... and to get them to do the actual hiring sooner than in two weeks time. For the time before then... I have options, and one of them will be hard work but 100% doable. It's figuring out how to go about getting the income from the others to cover immediate cash needs that will be tricky. As soon as I do get that start going we ought to have some solid hielp covering up until we get the steady income.

Just a matter of having to get used to looking where ever they'll take me for it.

To do:
Job hunting, Email to Doctor Sevick about classes from Stevenson, check over of courses from SELU, check for a temp agency in the area, and contact Mr. Bouchard about possible weekend work.

Pursue potential for paid yard work in neighborhood.

I've had a funny thought. I really don't think I have the time to do it, but, I must admit I'm extremely tempted to get a second blog/journal area ready and play through Dragon Age a second time as Tabi does- get us each to keep a journal of our characters experiences. Of course, the issue with this would immediately be that I'd risk giving her spoilers. I know enough of what goes on that while there are many alternative choices and surprises left, I don't think I'd feel like spoilers could really change the experience much for me.Not that I'd ever expect to finish again if I did- it's a long ass game.

A long ass, wonderful game.

It will be amazing to see her play it out, however. I am curious about that. Maybe I'll do it for Dragon Age 2, but given how it half-crafts the character ahead of time, I'm not really convinced it'd work the same.

I might try that for RP characters sometimes, it's a neat idea. Only the main candidate is Rayner and...

Well...

Yeah..........

That'd take a lot of convincing on Cel's part.

Done: Some exploring and jobhunting, but it is not finished.

One application turned in, waiting for response call.

Got the info from Stevenson. And feel silly.

To Do: Much the same.

Get the webcam.

Cleaning and organizing.

So I'm unreasonably frustrated by one thing- I could have sworn I was set for my job, only to find out too late that the manager hadn't checked up on his applications yet. It could be because they're swamped and it sounds like he's had to do some of the manual labor, but come on. I went in there twice today, and called ahead, following instructions on how to get this to go through, and everyone has something different to say about it. I suppose there are other local opportunities I might like even better than working in the restaurant, things I'm more familiar with or desk jobs. Possibly better pay and the like, or places I can get work experience that will look more useful than making pizzas.

We'll see though. Walk-around time is coming.

Tabi and I are also... taking things well. We're apart again, and I have to admit, it's made me sad. But it hasn't made me cry more than I did just after she'd left sight in that red car. I haven't moped or collapsed except for a nap yet. And she's been holding up amazingly too. I think my trick has been keeping busy. It seems to do a great deal for my confidence and my emotional stability, though my nerves or mood suffer if I push it too much. The main trick is this- I have to either love the work, or feel productie. If I do one of those two, I can get back energy from it as I spend it. As soon as I stop doing either, energy is being burned without invigorating me in return.

Tabi however seems to be getting it from Tree. It is working every bit as well as I'd hoped- better than I'd expected. I had the stupidest grin on my face when I heard it. I hope my oldest friend and lovely kitten are nice and safe 'til I hear from them next.

Done: Not my interview, because the manager hadn't gotten to my application yet. *growls*
My class searching.
Some cleaning of my room.

To do: Job hunt around the area.
Call Stevenson about their classes and then check for whatever the answer is.
Call  Dominos Wednesday if I don't get an answer.

Today I wussed out a little.

I didn't have everything in order to talk to them, and it was my first day settling in to Maryland again. I could have, but without things completely in order... well, honestly, I'm still scared of it. I want to get to the result, but the steps along the way...

God, the steps aren't likely to be fun. I have had some thoughts though. I'm going to check online before I talk to them- I can find the fall schedule. If I can find the Spring as well, even better. If I can find these classes online, it would be rather amazing- I could potentially finish my degree from Mount Saint Mary's from Louisiana. Never thought I'd do that, but it would be fantastic to be able to.

I also spoke to an old friend today. I hadn't heard from her in a bit too long and...

Well.

I know I'm not as brave as she is, nor as smart. We both have a tendencies of getting lost in our own heads and imaginations though, and that little part of us that really refuses to believe that the world shouldn't be a nicer place. That there shouldn't be fairness, happiness, wonder in it. Sometimes Tabi seems much wiser to the world than me in that regard- and sometimes I see a bit of that same stuff underneath. She knows better, just like me. Maybe it SHOULD, be things, but it isn't and probably will never be, can't be. But she wants to believe it can or might be. I know logically that it isn't, and so I sometimes talk dark, bitter, and cynical. A little reminder to myself to keep me balanced, somewhere between the two, lest I go tilting at windmills, or trying to take place flowers in gun barrels. There was a better example than the second one, but I couldn't find it.

But I wonder if Tabi feels that same way, when I look at it now, or if she's stronger- hurt and scarred and stubbornly holding onto that glimmer of hope, youth.

Sometimes it makes the world look so much of a brighter place.

My little guiding star.

But, past my tangent, the funny thing is that... my friend was in much the same position as me. I have trouble thinking of her as much but a genius, and while I don't know much of her home situation, she had one class she kept failing. She admitted she's been procrastinating on going back to it, to finish her degree- Yale, if I remember right. I know it was Ivy League. But she's been tight on money, living out on her own after a fight with a family she loves, but just can't live with anymore. And she's going to be moving in with her significant other soon.

...actually, depending on how well Lilly and Tabi and I all hit it off when either we get up there or her down to us, our situation could be too similar to theirs to do anything but chuckle at. The world is a funny place.

I go to bed with some hope tonight, anyway. And more happy thoughts of my kitten. Despite how it can hurt to be far away, I think... that it helps me so much more to think of how I can be close to her soon. Of what we're working for. How it's finally starting to come into sight. It might not be quite how I imagined it.

But that just means it's going to take more elbow grease to get it there.


Love you kitten.

Beep beep.

Somewhere

I'm back at the old house again.

But now, I'm not really sure when I say home- do I mean here, or do I mean back where Tabi is holding down the fort? Hell, do I just mean with her? The internet is a little buggy tonight, which is mostly just reminiscent of what I've been dealing with- so it's not as though it bothers me right now. But work is slow anyway.

I'm missing my kitten. I have lots of warm thoughts at the moment though, and fun plans. The summers... always seem exciting instead of dreary like new semesters do. I'll need to poke after work tomorrow, but I have other things to worry about.

Tomorrow I need to talk to my folks about the plan.

I think I remember a bunch of the facts about the plan. But I'm frightened. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want the lectures and panic and disappointment. But I need to take some big next steps. It's hard because... I want their help, and I want them to be a part of my life. But I don't know how to keep them from being afraid when I do that, or making them understand my decisions. They've understood so little until now... why should I be able to make breakthroughs now?

I understand them more and more all the time.

But they've yet to acknowledge any understanding or appreciation of my depression or anything else. Just getting over it... hasn't been working. I think it's been getting worse slowly. And I have to do something about it, take those first big steps from life as their kid to life as an adult. Still their son- but taking things into my own hands.

That's frightening too. But I want it all the same.

Go figure- I do like horror movies after all.

I hope my kitten sleeps tight. I do miss her, but I have happy thoughts of her right now, and they're keeping me cozy feeling tonight. I hope I can do the same for her, even from here.

I'm going to have to figure out a few more things about my kitten yet. Or perhaps, just stop being so damn dense. It does tend to be an issue of mine. Sometimes I'm spot on with a sudden surge of caution about someone. If I don't trust somebody, I can be pretty well skeptical and good about reading them- at least I think so. The issue comes when I don't feel distrustful. And I certainly trust my kitten.

So... the problem is that sometimes she doesn't think clearly. I sure as hell don't, no one does, but when she gets stressed enough or focuses on one thing agitating her it can jump to extremes. And she's always so good about telling me afterwards. Explaining and apologizing. She's warned me these things happen to.

The issue is... when they happen I tend to take it seriously 95% of the time, and forget to think what might be causing it. Things seem to get really serious and she gets very distraught and acts out or panics... and I take it all on face value because I trust her. It's part of the problem, I think. It's something she does. She's something I love. And something I need to be in control of. To dominate. But that requires either overwhelming force, or understanding. And I vastly prefer understanding and finesse, never mind the crushing iron of my usual straight forward approach to things.

So... how do I go about getting myself beyond this mistake, out of the bad habit? How do I keep emotionally attached and close to her, and give her that connection as much as she deserves... but stay far enough back to have a clearer view, and perhaps more control? How does one keep distance from something they want, maybe need, to pull close?

Not sure.

Always questions with this practice.

I'm not sure if this is one of the fun ones or not just yet. But I'd like to think I might at least have some theories before it happens again.

Tonight has been a lot shorter than I like, and unfortunately has to be.

Tabi and I had a lot to do today, and with exams and moving and the like upcoming, we're looking foward to busy. Which is frustrating, tiring, and busy. However, I'm also looking forward to my kitten. Four sleeps now. Friday is to be dubbed the Day of the Kitten.

Or the Day of the Mwahs. Or belt or the like.

I am very tempted to, given my lack of need to be up early tomorrow but to study, stay up a bit tonight. Not forever, but a bit later than I normally would. It'd be nice to do so and get to spend some extra time, as tomorrow isn't a terrible day for her either (if I remember correctly). I had wanted to watch the Red Dragon, but we can do that later. We have a trip and plans ahead of use, and I'm sure we'll want plenty of free, at home ways to relax onces we've taken care of things like tiring ourselves out on home improvement. Or sex-life improvement. Or turning her ass raw.

I've been a little too lenient on punishments the past day or two, if I think about it, but she has wracked up a nice count. My hand will probably hurt by the end, which means I'm going to need to know where her lotion is ahead of time, and to not be a baby about it. The spanking, and the lotion. My skin tends to be so dry naturally, it just feels oily and uncomfortable to have lotion on usually. Ugh.

In the mean time, I have extra meal plan money to spend. If I were holing up around here with her I think I know exactly what I'd splurge that excess on ridiculously. Ben & Jerry's doesn't tend to fly so well, however.


So: Kitten, workworkwork, kitten, workwork, sex&kitten, workwork, and movies.

Looking to the past while I do regret not taking summer classes each year and aiming to just pick a major from the get-go and graduate ASAP, I do have to admit I miss the potential of afternoon naps that could be hours upon hours and the late nights of writing and watching movies summers used  to provide when I was slacking those past years. I'm looking ahead, though.

I know kitten loves all those things too, and I'm not generally much opposed to a little bit of sharing, as long as I get to choose who I share with. <3

I have a tricky kitten. And she's been giving me lots of good help with that lately, showing me how she thinks a dominant should deal with a submissive. However, she's showing me how she thinks a dominant should deal with a very, very obedient and eager submissive. Almost broken, it seems like at times. If she wasn't so full of personality and intelligence I'd simply feel bad for her.

However, she is. Not as much so as my favorite kitten, but she passes the test. I like her. Not as much as Tabi does yet, but I do like her quite a bit.

The issue is that I'm learning how to deal with a submissive that's very submissive, not a submissive that's resistant and at times conflicted or just too upset or depressed to react much at all. I can deal with arguing with her now, over the yeses and noes. I think I keep handling it well, right down to where I kept after her about her plug and practice today. Eventually it happened, and I praised her up for it, but I also am now debating if I need to be inquisitive more before coming to conclusions or just not let myself fuss at all over such things- like how she'd not reminded me of why she was so resistant to it beyond that she didn't want to until a long while later. I believe I over reacted at first to how much it bothered her and should have pushed the matter still, even if she was good and took orders later.

Stricter- I have to imagine that's the main issue. I need to be more strict.

Do that and, well... if I keep up as she's been with Lilly at the more extremes, I'll see how long before the two together get her to behave well and get her to stop being so resistant to those sorts of orders and actions. It's gonna be a little hard to keep her on edge at a distance until I make that break through, but until then, I suppose it's going to be a case of... I don't even know the right term.

Anyway.

Time is dwindling. Less than a week.

*grins*

We've passed the point.

Less than a week left now. I think I'd feel bouncy if my head would stop throbbing. I'm excited and silly feeling, but also kind of craving a hot soak and snuggling up. Granted, that will work a lot better in a week when I have a partner in crime. Cuddly crime. In bed. With awesome kitty-pillows to squish under my head, and maybe movie time or general silliness.

So I like being a dom, yes. But when I'm not feeling well I love to be goofy and get babied a bit, sue me.

So the trick now will be to keep enough time to prepare for this and to keep everyone all full of grins and excitement and planning and looking forward, to make sure we don't get set back and stagnating or too caught up on worries to accomplish things in the meanwhile. I have to try and really make sure the time we get is gonna be good, because next week is finals. Which is gonna mean no more skimping on sleep for that week, period. It's gonna mean long periods of hard studying, though the breaks between that will be great, and I can decide when I study, just so long as I get enough time. The set my own schedule bit is kind of nice.

So, today.

Excited about next Friday.

Things seem to be looking up.

Getting ready to buckle down.

Headaches suck.

.....I'll figure out the moral of the story later.

So apparently I seem much more dominant when I'm angry. Not surprising, in many regards, it is the most forceful method, but it seems a bit brutish and simple to me. I know that's not what she needs- not only at least. But focused. Focused I understand. I don't quite get why I seem so unfocused otherwise. I do multitask a lot. But when we talk at the computer and she seems distracted or distant and I'm not getting much feedback on whatever I'm discussing with her it becomes very tempting to pop open a window to play minecraft, or read a page, or do something until her attention is back here.

And now that I've said it flat out like that I know what I need to do, honestly- get mad. Or at least forceful. Demand her attention. MAKE her give it.

It always seems like that fails. And honestly, it's part of my issue in fixing my personality. I seem to get discouraged and decide I'll punish her later, or figure out what she's up to that's important or such, rather than just MAKING her look and then figuring it out.

That might be the one big thing I need to fix. It feels like it should be a team effort, but if I'm in charge, and she'll do these things if I damn well go in believing I can make her with just a few words put right, then I guess that's how the team works. Not fix it later. Not regard the issue. Because she's easily distracted quite often and gets caught in her own head. If I was right there it'd feel natural. The use of presence is important. And while I haven't done it yet lately, not in person, but when I am in this position it's getting to where I really do feel like that dominating figure, like I could fill the room and take charge and all of the like.

This trip really is gonna be a test in a lot of ways.

But I'm hoping it'll be tons of fun as well. If it comes naturally enough that I can pound it out without giving myself worries or headaches or feeling like a trial... then I can sit confident knowing that I am where I need to be and that other problems can and will be fixed in a timely manner. It's all little things if I get there. I think... if I really get there, I hope at least, a lot of life will begin one by one to look like little things.


I still can't believe how real this feels to me. Sometimes I feel the same, even when I'm like this, but other times... am I the same person I was a year ago? Six months?

Is this still Aaron?

How am I the same but so different?


Life moves fast sometimes. I suppose you already know what they say about when it does so.

Seven sleeps. <3

Countdown

Eight sleeps.

I think it's about to hit me.

It's starting to seem real today, enough to be a little distracting (which means I'm gonna need to set myself up with some real study practices and be ready to lock myself up and buckle down with music and whatever it takes to keep my eyes on the books) which probably means that tomorrow has a good chance of being the day.

The expect-massive bouncing, wiggling, and jumping. Plus laughing. That kind of hitting me. I'm a little intimidated about going for round two with the space monsters, even after my tutorial on how to take them down today. And there will be work to do, but mostly I'm excited. How can I not look forward to it? Wiggling giggling madness.

Which means I have one other job to do.

I need to buckle down on myself tomorrow and start meditating some on just how I'm going to keep my head about me and keep working the dom-fishy into instinct while in this kind of child-like excitement. It's getting better. It's not exactly second nature right now, but I can feel it starting to make a difference and come easier and easier. The main problem with it seems to come when I can't make myself think. If I can, it works great, ESPECIALLY when I'm up in arms with a bit of a bad mood or feeling.... let's say "hungry". These headaches that seem more of a loss of ability to collect a concentrated or material thought seem to be the bane of me though, above and beyond actual head pains.

I'll need to figure out what to do about them in general. And maybe working dom-fishy to work even during them is the way to go about it.

When is finding the right word just not worth it?

I've been making a point of doing some writing between studying to keep myself sane today. Specifically, on a group project around the interwebz. I got that creative burst for some reason- it seems to be petering off a little, but it made it both harder to concentrate, and more motivating to get my work done. Which is... an odd combination, but it seemed to work out okay. The problem is I got to writing and I kept finding that while I liked what I was saying I wasn't saying it quite... right.

Tabi will understand. The right words are important for a writer. One right word in the right place can have more impact and guide the idea or scene you're painting better than a whole sentence. Hell, it beats out a whole paragraph even in respects to thought flow and the like.

The problem was I could never get quite the right word. Quite the right sentence structure. It was... frustrating.

Not unusual to me, but frustrating.

At what point is it just not worth spending anymore time focusing on crafting your writing? Is it better to just have it done and assume you'll eventually make yourself come back than to throw more and more time at something with lesser output for it?

I think I do need to learn to move on without it a bit more.

Unrelatedly, Tabi bonked her head pretty good today it wounds like. I'm not sure how, but I feel terrible for my kitten and I'm now wracking my brain for no apparent reason over an injury that is clearly not threatening, just painful and unfortunate, trying to remember first aid rules from Boy Scouts.

ADD brain is a bit ADD.

I've seen more "Obama Bin Laden" typoes or misspeaks in the past two days than I can even begin to know what to say about.

So... we'll leave that at that.

For future reference, yesterday the news all came out with huge stories and updates, that only were able to hit full swing today, claiming that Osama Bin Laden had been killed in a bombing within the past week, and DNA results had confirmed the kill. I found myself much less skeptical than I had expected to find myself being, as much as the idea of them DNA checking every look-alike corpse or captive seems quite far fetched to me. If there was an element of this story where they'd been tipped off and suspected they had him when they hit the location, I haven't heard that story yet.

My main issue, however, is with the reactions.

One man has been killed. And all over, I'm hearing people celebrating, and cracking jokes. I've even heard things said about the "end of the war on terror" and the like. And as I listen to it all... I'm not sure when the last time I've been nervous about the insurgent activity the way I am now was. Especially for a good friend overseas right now- I've been worried for him in general, but never really gotten a chill thinking about it like now. Honestly, it keeps crossing my mind over and over- I hope to God that the folks in our military, up high as well as down low, are not even letting this kind of hype going on here cross their minds. This man may have been a symbol, but it's not as if we're playing a game of chess where we've knocked over the king and now everything that's left is safe.

My honest-to-god worry is that things are going to get a good deal worse because of the publication of this kill in the near future. These people are not fighting for him. Maybe it'll crush the spirits of some. Maybe it'll cripple some of the more organized attacks in the long run. But I'm concerned it'll be like kicking a nest of vengeful, self-righteous hornets with explosives packed in their stingers. Vengeance, or a hurrah to show they're not done. Or to honor him. Honestly, for every one reason I see why this could mean a lot more safety and quiet, I see two saying that it's gonna shake things up.

I'm a very spiritual person, but not necessarily religious. I'm praying for him though.

Not too long before he gets some time at home. Hoping all goes safe and smooth for them. They deserve it.

Double Duty

I hate realizing I've forgotten one of these.

Usually it's after days where Tabi and I either have a big fight- or on which we're very busy. Last night, we were very... busy. Today we had a different kind of busy. After a very nice chance to sleep in, we got started late, and then napped a bit more, and then got started later. It's been a productive day, however. I am over half down the most difficult portion of the present I'm making for her, and actually confident I can have it done in advance of her birthday enough to touch it up and make some nice finishing touches before I show it off to her- perhaps even a day or two early. I am getting excited about my progress there already.

Mostly though, I hit the gym again, for a more intense session after some solid stretching and warming up, and I'm beginning to feel ready to start counting my sets. What is up for debate, however, is if I want to go with the many large, lighter sets in order to try and burn off fat, since I would ideally like to chop off a few pounds, or if I'm more determined to spend the time working on heavy sets to bulk up, since I also aim to do some of that. At the least, I suppose I could do lighter sets over all, and do some bulk work on my arms, since they are the part of me that is honestly most in need. That and determining exercises to strengthen and ease my back muscles would be fantastic.

Further, done some work, and gotten to reading in the group project Tabi and I are helping with. Big strides there as I'm actually reading enough info to feel confident in contributing- since I like to have a full picture before crafting new parts on to a machine. I want to make sure I'm making something to make it flow smoother, or carry out functions either better or additionally- not just another random lever to get in the way.

Also, to note, yesterday begins the period of stamina training, so to speak. I will likely let myself get off once or twice in this period, but it will be largely working it and not finishing... well, jerking it, I guess.  I'm also leafing through my book on tantric, to see what it has to offer to help me out with this. I really need to get my reading speed up so I can go through the whole thing some time, rather than just trying to hunt for bits relevant to my current interests. So blueballs and frustration may abound. But I have my kitten for some fun to make that more bearable. Last night was fantastic for that. I greatly enjoyed our play, though it seemed a bit time and attention (and energy) intensive to be a daily thing while finals are going on. On times with lighter loads however....


Finally, I made a mistake as a dom today.

I put my kitten in the closet for a punishment on a subject she'd already understood and rectified the behavior of. And while I believe some punishment was necessary to enforce that she was accountable for her actions, I should have made it lighter to reward her good behavior and learning; instead I left it in full, and then allowed her to have unintended pain going through it. I know why I did this. I have in the past had problems with enforcing rules with punishment and upholding said punishment. I've been learning the importance of having a strong hand about these things so I can be taken seriously. the problem... is that I forgot how the most vital part is a CONTROLLED hand. I focused on the wrong thing this once. I apologized to her, but I owe her to do better in the future. It will make this aspect of domming more complicated and difficult than I had realized.

However, this time... I not once doubted that I was up to that challenge.

Small steps forward.

Today: Mixed Results.

Tabi was distraught earlier, and then quite unhappy at work. She's been a bit bored, and tired, and not feeling well. Physically, which has of course had effects on her mood. This of course diminishes my satisfaction with my day. Part of what I want is for her to be happy, and for us to get to spend our time together doing enjoyable things.

On the upside, I've gotten some good thinking in today. I've tried to write it up several times. No luck whatsoever. I never got my nap, so that has to do with it. It's very frustrating.

Research went well however. I did not get off, as requested, but found many things that excited me... and many that turned me off. It's an interesting contrast and play on between the two. A lot of the attitude is exactly the same and it does a great deal for it. But what defines the line of what I find to be offensive or disconcerting, and what is very arousing, especially taking into account that the arousing is at times a bit shocking or beyond what I would have supposed my limits to be normally myself?

Working out went okay. It felt good to start with. Being tired in general meant crashing at the end brought me down hard though. Body and brain went to exhaustion together. It's a good thing to get to, if to get good sleep. Unfortunately the need for that sleep hit me earlier than I was able to go to sleep. I had other things to do.

Now. I believe I'm getting the hang of sexual tortures and tasks a bit more for kitten. And I enjoy the micromanagement that counting things puts into her day. But counting alone is clearly not enough. The counting and then writing escalated too quickly. It needs another activity to go with it. Counting is not nearly enough though. I need other tasks for her to carry out during the things she does for her day. Things that can both push her enough to really let me enjoy the tasks, and to keep her mind from going places it should not. To keep it focused on me. Unfortunately a great deal of my studying resources so far seem sexual in orientation. It is a bit difficult to build these punishments around sex when they have to be carried out in public. However, there are obvious ways that one can get around that. Small, silent insertions. Different states of undies.Short periods alone. The trick is if I go that angle... to think deep enough into it to not only spice it up, but make it so distracting she can't not have to fight it to do her tasks.

It can't be easy.

I've done too much letting things be easy, and she's told me over and over she needs challenge.

So. I'm just going to have to start finding ways to be difficult until it becomes challenging.

Sounds like a plan. And hopefully it'll sound fun in the morning, at least so much as it does now.

Creative Thinking

So my kitten commented to me again today something along the lines of what could be done with a hardware store in the realm of the kinky. And while I can certainly imagine that there would be- though I'd imagine so many times better if I could be there to look at the selection. Visuals offer a much vaster realm of understanding, imagination, and possibility for me than simply going "oh, yeah, there are neat things in those stores. What kinds  of things are there exactly again?"

She also noted, however, that it's a shame my brain wasn't as evil and sadistic as hers is sometimes.

And this got me thinking. She's certainly right, in the vast majority of regards I'm a very nice guy. I have a cultured taste for horror, grit, and hardship in stories, but I like to see people flourish, do well, be healthy, happy, etc. Not that a little pain ever HURT-hurt anyone, or a bit of struggle. But I certainly enjoy this sort of thing some and continue to grow to enjoy it more. The question remains, however, how can I get as "evil" as my kitten? Some of this sort of thing is natural, I'm sure. Some of it is also related to intelligence and creativity which I am at least just enough of a cocky ass to say I've got a decent portion of each of. But what about the rest? Is it just sort of a "you've got it or you don't"? I'm sure it can't be TRAINED, but it can probably be learned, picked up on, etc, enough at least indirectly to make one better at that, can't it?

I'm curious now, if I can expect to be out-thinking her in mean thoughts in a while, or soon, or how it develops.

Actually, I think a lot of what I do would be a lot more effective if I attempted to force myself to practice in trying to briefly adopt the submissive mindset so that I could view things from Tabi's more submissive, very sensual perspective. That seems like the absolute most effective road to improving these skills. And I'm very interested in the possibilities of an improved set of those skills.

A Matter of Confidence

I've never considered myself a natural leader.

If anything, I'm indecisive and don't like the spotlight. I like to be spoiled or appreciated by those I have a fondness for at least as much as anyone else, but I don't generally enjoy dictating things out unless I am in some way shape or form doing some of the hands on work myself. I'm finding more and more as I explore this dominant thing though, that it's not quite the same as being a leader for the sake of others- which is a concept I understand. I've never wanted to be a leader, but I've done it and felt comfortable with it- for a time- before. It's always been born of necessity though. A case of no one else being willing or capable enough. I'd joke that this is how Boy Scouts taught leadership- not in a direct sense so much as that sooner or later, someone is going to get sick of rubbing their hands together in well below freezing weather and start telling people who's going to do what to get the damned fire made. Usually my social phobias always kicked in once the job was done though, or I'd just find myself craving time alone to refuel my antisocial self.

I never called myself a natural leader. A few other people have, or a good public speaker, but never me.

But I'm discovering the dom thing is different from leadership in many, many ways viewing this relationship. Because it really is a much more intimate, tight relationship. A leadership might be highly emotional or close, but it's not the same. It's formal. This is... while sometimes superficially formal, much more intimate. The biggest difference, however, is that except in VERY rare instance, leadership is topical.

Someone leads a project, or a club. They lead in specific activities or locations. It's a matter that comes up to create order and efficiency within the instance, the area in which that person is most knowledgeable or comfortable and the best man to lead the job. I've had to be a leader in things where I was FAR from knowledgeable, however, and it can be done, with expert opinions that you can rely on. However, the main difference in the two begins here. Leadership has a point of starting and stopping, where as the dom-sub relationship is all encompassing as far as those two are concerned. It's intimate, but it's everything.

And I'm also finding that somehow it is... much harder to inspire confidence in it.

I need to work on a few things, including my recognition that it's all encompassing. To do that, and still be able to keep my composure as a dom, even when I have to let out emotions, including the weak or sad ones as impossible as it sounds without deeper consideration, to learn to naturally formulate my words and thoughts to it. It will be difficult, but I feel I've made distinct progress, and I'm proud. I don't feel my pride becomes an issue often, but it certainly stings a little bit when Tabi gets depressed or uncertain.

It makes me question myself in some ways. But what makes me confident is that lately, even through that, I've not wavered on the idea that I AM doing well. Not as well as I could. Not as well as I WILL do. But I'm doing well, and improving.

Now the matter of inspiring that confidence in here, and myself. The fact that I make ME more confident now, however...

Once upon a time, I didn't believe it would ever be the case.

Little steps add up, I suppose.


I'd toast to tomorrow, but I'm down a kitten and the drinks I'd need.

Not too long now though...

Tomorrow is back to campus again.

My brain feels a bit fried and stagnated from being here. Driving was shorter than normal, since I mostly just went during the freetime my mom had before she had to take Jim back up to his college. Otherwise the day was not too exciting. My father didn't really have the time to do a puzzle like I would have hoped. He didn't seem to remember though, so... I don't feel bad so much as it's unfortunate that it didn't happen. I would have liked to do something with him but I'll have some other chances.

However, I can already say I'm looking forward to going back like I can't even begin to describe.

AC and being able to write or study without constantly being bombarded by the laughtracks going on in whatever people are watching will be fantastic. I'll be able to play my own music, and focus, and not melt. Besides the obvious advantages to being in contact with my kitten when she has less to do, and we both have a bit of privacy for ourselves. That will simply be fantastic after this weekend which has been fun but... busy.

Busy to say the least.

God, I miss AC nearly as much as my kitten though. x.x

I'm not sure what exactly went right today, but it certainly seemed to. Money is tighter than I knew with my family. I suppose it really does make sense- they have three kids and they've paid fully for our educations through private schools, and not skimped on other living, even if we never had the latest or greatest of anything. Maybe we got spoiled or coddled ab it too much at times. But my parents both came from families without much in way of means, so I think in the end I just overestimated how well they'd done for themselves. Despite this issue, however, I found out that I've really been creating problems with them.

Yes, they disagree with a lot of stuff I've done.

Yeah, they've put pressure on me that I don't need and disagreed when I felt it was important.

I can't really agree with them, make it easy, or see eye-to-eye. But I've been assuming that when they disagreed they'd react one way, looked at the things they've said and not pursued it or made assumptions because it was smiply discouraging. It meant I got a lot wrong. And in a lot of ways, I still need to keep my back straight and look ahead and do what I need to do for myself.

It was just... nice to hear them say that as much as they worry and try to show me what they think are the best ways, they agree- they know sometimes I'll feel something is worth doing even though they don't like it, or if it's not the safest route. It's not like I can not worry them somehow. It's just....


I guess it's good to hear that, no matter what happens, even if they can't agree or help, that they're on my side. Even when I'm arguing with them. Funny, as in some ways, it makes arguing with them that much easier. I just need to make sure I take that bit of trust and freedom and do them proud as well as my kitten.

And myself.

There's a long, long road ahead.

Somedays I feel like I don't realize this. Like part of me is looking forward to finishing one thing- and just being done, to the part where I can do work and travel and start my life for real, but looking at it like it'll be a happily every after and not more living. I don't know why this is, but it's very different to really stop and realize how much that'll be living, just like now. I'd say that this is the easy part, but no, I don't think it is. I've tasted a bit of other things, and I believe that the hardest parts are staring me in the face right now, barring that I have a child. Because at that point I think all bets are off in general.

Don't know why this sticks out to me right now but it does.

The home range really isn't quite so home-rangy, because there'll be another one. And another one. And another one. And some days, I don't want that, I want to sleep a long time, just with feelings of either having been just a little sick a long time, or depressed, stressed, I dunno. More and more days than it used to be though... I find I can look forward to that future.

Right now... I feel weary, but not like I want to sleep forever. A long time, yes, but it's more of a "this'd be a good day to sleep way past noon and wake up to little kitten kisses on my neck".

I do miss waking up to her. But little thoughts like that make my smile. Help me remember that I really don't mind that it keeps going after this, because I want that rest of the road to come and most of it, I'd like to go as slow as possible so I can sit down and enjoy it.

It's nice to be impatient for things, sometimes. Makes me smile.




...except when that reminds me I'm currently bouncing over waiting for next week's Game of Thrones. They're doing a great series adapting the book so far, go watch! Fishy wants to see more. x.x

Somedays it's hard go get going. Momentum can just be hard to pick up sometimes.

And I dunno what it is, but a lot of times it seems to have to do with other people. It can be fairly easy to get myself up and doing things or excited, as much as I frequently do best with friends who know to be gentle when motivating me to do new things with them. I can be a bit skiddish otherwise, and only take a random chance here and again. I'm getting better certainly but not necessarily good. In any case, momentum is easy to get going on your own. Some people even motivate me, though I think by my nature sooner or later... I need time alone to unwind, whether it be writing or reading or games or naps or poking at random objects and thoughts for no purpose. That time along is great for recharging sometimes.

Time with kitten seems good for this. As long as I can get the time here and there to stop and check out my readings or write something, the kind of space that we know we'll both need now and again as soon as it stops feeling like we have little time together before one leaves again.

Unfortunately, I don't get it at home.

My room is now the go to place for doing work for my family. The basement is the entertainment center for the TV. My sister's room is still hers. The living room is where the kitchen and chores and mess are. The only other rooms are bathrooms, and my parent's bedroom.

Essentially, privacy is impossible in my own house. Even if I just want to read a book... I can't even guarantee I can get a solid half an hour of doing that without an interruption. And that's a problem. The thing is, that is a distraction. In my peripheral, and not knowing if they're going to start asking into things or interrupt or be noisy. They're fun,  and I love them. I love spending time with them.

But I don't know how I ever survived not being able to spend time by myself.

Or rather, I do; I used to be able to. It's just not a possibility anymore, and after college I'm more used to it and less tolerant of it all. I can't control it either because I don't have a space that's my own.

It's really a good thing I'm moving.

But even with that in mind, I think I need to forcibly move the family computer down stairs to the public room and the router before I move away for good, so when I visit there won't be the issue of my only semblance of a personal space being among the most used instances of shared property that my parents refuse to acknowledge is so or disruptive because it never used to be, and I begin to think that as cool as they can be they're rather change phobic.

Also, the fact that they tend to disturb my sleep a lot getting up at 5 or so when I have no reason to do so, so if I want to get up early and not sleep until noon to make up for it I might as well get up at 5.



I know I sound like a crabby old man, but I suppose that's a part of me not having control. Which means I'm gonna have to create some soon and start setting my own rules down around here, even if I'm not the man of the house or the like.

It'll be nice when this is a place I come for visits and get to act like an honored guest. Maybe. That IS how you treat long-gone family, right? The idea of moving out and only visiting back just grows more and more appealing as I analyze what it is that makes it hard for me to concentrate here.

I need to work on my devious side more.

A lot more.

There are practical reasons and fun reasons, and as many for the kitten as for myself or in general. However, today I say this in particular because I think she has outdone me by spades. And while she had the experience advantage, I don't think this can stand. So I'm going to have to find some things to do about it. A few ways to learn or get ideas what I like. Some new perspectives. I'll have to work on those some during my free time.

And I've discovered a new kink today. I had some inclination of an interest before- or a curiosity, more like- but today I have to confirm it. Kitten tried it out a bit on display for me to see how I'd take to it, and I certainly took to it. I felt excited, physically, mentally, and sexually. I felt worried a bit watching, concerned and with that nagging serious of safety precautions my mind was screaming to ask her right away despite my trust that she'd not do anything dangerous without looking up all the safety measures available to her first. But all the same. Watching it was strange and visceral. My heart fluttered at first, and then a smooth and easy, steady excitement light as air built its way up, up, and up with it. In a way, I have to imagine it's what sky diving is like. Once it finished, I found myself going hard, though. I did like this one. A fair deal.

I think... I want to try and integrate this to other things a bit. Lot's of nice potential combinations.

As nervous as the idea makes me though... also want to try my hand at it.

Today has been a good day, and a meh day. Long classes were long, as they always are, and I mostly came from them feeling exhausted. However, I got only a short little nap and got some work done, and we managed to get date night going. We've mostly been posting and poking around, but somehow... it feels right? We try and do movies and solo activities often and they frequently seem to not quite get that sense of doing something together just right, but even just posting and reading things and chit-chatting about it, felt great. Something perfectly right about it.

I've also had some serious productivity, including a few important purchases, and a personal reminder or two. Things that should be fun to work on.

However! It might finally be time to watch the movie with kitten. Hopefully it'll keep the mood going. I'm not expecting it to meet all my hopes, but I do want to see, I do!

If today has done one thing besides be a quiet, very enjoyable surprise without ever being outright exceptional or exciting (beyond the tickets finally being done) it's been exhausting. I just feel wiped, and while I don't need to crash early for tomorrow, I might need to crash a little early for me.

Gotta say though. I do love hearing her use that word. <3

Sleep is really, really important.

I dunno how the ladies do so well without it. Tabi, Erinn- even our new friend Lilly apparently can do amazing things under lack of sleep. My kitten, however, needs to learn that this is only for limited periods. She finally got her sleep today. And then got some more. And then got some more. And then got some more. I can't go half as long or deal half as well with sleep deprivation, but I hope this will help her deal with it more responsibly. Even if her issue seems to be falling asleep, not staying asleep, I hope it helps somehow.

Personally, I've been feeling like I've been in a mild rut creatively. I have been enjoying the RP'ing immensely, but feeling like it took far too much effort to get my brain into gear at times.

I napped a good deal longer than I meant to today, but when I woke up on my own instead of to the alarm I felt energized and... well, it took a long period of writing. But I can't help but be really happy with the results. I was really into my characters head again. The writing just came naturally. I'm happy with this.

Now just what to do to make it work when sleep is in shorter supply. xp

Today was interesting.

I spent a lot of time with my father, driving, and the like. We talked plenty, sure, but we normally talk about productive things or small facts about what's immediately going on. I have as much issue doing deep talks, reflecting, or getting into hopes or the like with him still. Things don't feel as tense as they used to, which is good, but it's a little awkward.

I also went driving with him.

It was... a headache. Not half so bad as it could have been. But I got some much needed experience today.

I was probably in the car with the only person in Maryland actively on the road who knew how to drive in any weather. Rain is a pain to learn. My issue is already with a tendency to not do my turns right- I end up too tight or too wide depending, and it's learning when to err which way and getting used to the middle ground that's plaguing me most so far. In the rain, that was just a much bigger deal. I think... that rain driving could help me with that in general. But god it's not fun practice. No accidents, no close calls, and no scares though. Productive day. Just stressful.

The storm was nice once I was out of the car  though. I really do love storms.

Except when they wipe out my internet for hours. =\

I know one little kitten whom owes me an explanation. She's been being a tease, and she can't get away with that.

But then, how do I punish my little kitty while she's out and about at Ella's without anyone noticing? Hmmm. She does seem to be answering now. But regardless of if she's good or not in these texts, how does one take care of that? Punishing or rewarding my kitten subtly? Hmmm. The typing could always work. But just what other options can one deal out beneath the notice of others, the perfect secret just between the kitten and her master? My talk with our interesting new friend was a little disjointed and wandering along tangents, but it made a few things clear. And I believe one fact I might not be making quite clear enough to my kitten just yet is that she is mine.

MINE.

This is something essential that the more I look at, I realize is key to the whole thing. I'm sure my kitten has a sense of how loved and appreciated she is, and that I'm in charge, but perhaps she doesn't fully understand the situation yet. Clearly the temporary collar is not enough.

And to think, my kitten is getting upset at one offhand note that came up at the end of a conversation meant for her benefit? That's hardly fair to our friend now, is it?

She's forgetting her sirs as well.

But how to go about it...

It seems that there is enough lack of natural response that some training will need to be done.

The question is whether attempting to train a submissive- fortunately we are speaking of additional training and brushing up, not a fresh start- is something that can help a dominant to come into practice himself, or if attempting to manage training in two places at once will create a conflict and make things more difficult. Namely our issue is that the kitten, while frequently very good about it, has had an instance or two of reacting quite the wrong way when I raise my voice. A sign for attentiveness. Instead, she tried to shout over me, and that won't do at all.

But, however that might be. It seems to me the best way to deal with a challenge of that sort is to simply go and find ways to turn it to your advantage. It can be a chance for some good practice, and if it will be creating difficulties beyond what should be as well, this will be the best way to find that out and be ready to deal with those in particular- as other issues will have been adressed.

Only, the methods used so far simply won't do for this.

And so, I think it is brainstorming time again.

If only my brain didn't want to nap, I would be fairly pleased. My inexperience can be frustrating, yes, but when I get ideas, I get ideas... and it's usually quite a bit of fun.

Oh, I've had quite a bit of fun today.

Granted, I almost left my phone on my table at dinner and flipped out checking my try by snatching it back off the conveyor into the kitchen to make sure I hadn't left the phone on that, and after all that panic went back and found it on the table. I'm also not looking forward to the full day of classes tomorrow when I really do want to just make it my new birthday and make it a day off to sleep in, etc etc, but I'll have to do what I have to do. x.x

I'm also discovering quite a bit of delight. I think I need to introduce my kitten to more submissive females. Even if we never do anything, the team-flirting, albeit ranging from light tease to just commentary to each other and giggling so far, is a great deal of fun. I need to establish a few more rules before we honestly consider any threesomes or play things, but I don't think it can be denied how much fun this is again. I also get the feeling that it would do me a great bit of good to talk to her more and watch her closely. She seems a very true submissive, where as my kitten has plenty of spunk and is more than capable of being a switch, or simply bratty when she's of a mind. I love that spunk and wouldn't wish it away, but I'm wondering if perhaps it might help me keep improving my feel for how it is to be the dominant Fishy.


...I'll also admit that the prospect of being the dominant top-of-the-pyramid figure in a threesome like that is very appealing. But that's just male fantasy.

Possibly a fantasy of my kitten as well. <3

Today I turned 22.

It didn't really feel like much of a birthday. I suppose as you get older a lot of those little gratification holidays stop being as big a deal for you, and become more about reminding yourself to do something nice for others, taking time and showing appreciation. And in the true American spirit, purchasing them things. Because everybody loves things.

I think we're also officially postponing my aging until Thursday, since tomorrow Tabi is pretty booked.

Today just didn't go well.

I was tired and stressed from classes, came back and craved a nap but didn't have a chance. Concentration wasn't what I liked, but I managed ONE post. I wanted to do more.

And then things wound up in motion and upset my kitten.

This fact made me particularly unhappy, and I took a good bit of time trying to help her feel better. I certainly don't believe she's just forgotten or gotten over anything, but she has seemed to be a bit better, at least calmed down about it all. In the mean time, however, she was exceptionally rude and disrespectful to me, and that is not going to go without being punished. That SHOULD have happened today, but by the end of it all I just felt drained as could be.

And now we've been working on money, and plane flights (and me trying to figure out if MSN's bad voice chat can be replaced, or if it's just that my school internet is terrible). I need to solve that chat issue before it drives one or both of us nuts. And all in all today has just... lacked charm. I think that progress has been made, but... it's been such a lackluster day.

Tomorrow I'll try again and try and make it all a bit better.

At least I'm finding I'm really looking forward to sending my kitten that text in the morning. Let's just hope I'm awake and feeling well enough to permit my memory to not get terrible on me as it sometimes does.

I found kitten's missing rain.

It showed up at my window in flash-hurricane mode, and went from slight gusts and cloudy skies to not being able to see the road from my window in under 45 seconds. No joking. It took about 30 seconds to go from a light patter starting to torrential downpour. Granted, it didn't last very long, but it was nice. I think what made me sad is that I was in no position to go dancing in the rain. I like the rain, and with flash storms like that I can't help but want to go out badly.

Granted, there was thunder, so I shouldn't have, but if I'd hugged buildings I might still have considered it.

I thought it was plains and shores, though, who were supposed to be prone to flash storms. I'm near the mountains- is it them too? Is it just dumb luck that my school never seems to get more than a light rain that announces itself more than a minute before starting up in full.


I'm also finding that the dom is working out- so far at least. Kitten has some punishments from things she did days ago that are overdue, and it's not good of me to keep them hanging up in the air for either of us, but she's been amazing and sweet today, but for a brief bit of bad mood, and she's working hard. So I'm debating that she might be due in for a reward as well. We'll see what I come up with.

So one has to wonder a lot of things about the road systems. The patterns for one. It's far too easy to get lost in the maze of directions, signs, turns, side roads and major ones, curves, etc. I could never expect a grid system, but sometimes the roads seem silly.

Of course, they had to be built around the geography. And most roads are likely old, old roads or paths that eventually got covered and maintained by the government when it went to making highways. But plenty had to be made later. So why all the curves? Didn't anyone ever think to straighten it out, or look at a specific area and say "this is a mess, how is anyone supposed to navigate this?"

Most of these aren't so bad, but having  a "back seat driver", even in the other front seat, can make it difficult to figure out where you're going far enough ahead of time to deal well with all the curves and turns and nonsense, reading signs while speaking, etc. But why did no one ever fix some of these? Is it that now that they're there, America has gotten bored and can only be bothered to maintain them (sometimes)? Everyone decided that new roads or alternative, more efficient routes are too much work? Is traffic too steady and much a face of life for rerouting for this to be a possibility? Not worth while or the money?

Perhaps I'm just complaining because I have trouble with directions still. xp

So today I've been curious on methods of punishment. Obviously I prefer not to have to distribute it. Well, rather, I prefer to not be made to have to. Often I prefer not distributing it, but I'll admit that it some ways it can grant a heady feeling of power, mild sadistic satisfaction, or other great things if only it is a fitting and reasonable punishment, laid down well. It's a learning exercise, a reinforcement of the law, and helps to establish social positioning in people's minds. In some ways I discredit the importance of social positioning entirely- in a perfect world, we would act cooperatively instead of needing desperately to gauge where we stand to know how to act. It's not a perfect world though, and in some ways, maybe it's better this way. After all, not everyone can fill the same roll, and with some good communication and leadership differentiation, including social differentiation, can be extremely motivating and useful. It's a matter of it being handled well.

Always with this stuff, a matter of careful thought and a controlled hand. Light is pointless, but too heavy is counterproductive.

So for kitten, writing lines would make a good start. It can be effective even given the distance, it's a disciplinary measure, and it drills the message home, whatever it is that needs to be read. Spanking works effectively. As does a specific, controlled sort of neglect. Vanishing I don't think is a good idea. "Go sit in the corner/do this task, and no more talking to you until x time/you're done" seems a reasonable possibility. Perhaps as well building a system of regular special treats that are only given DEPENDENT on good behavior. Denial is as fine a punishment as actual application, given the human psyhology.

Just a matter of controlling it.

Most of these feel a touch bland, as much as they're mostly possible at distance, and like I can get a lot of ground out of them... but not everything I need.

Curious, how I'll want to go about trying to come up with more unusual, but suiting punishments tailored for special situations.

Thought of the day:

Dom Fishy

Preservation how? Well, part of it is going to be living it, and getting used to it. I've partly got to try and go as far as I comfortably can, and then a little more- to push the limits, try whatever appeals. But I also need punitive measures. There are consequences for breaking rules most of the time. Generally I prefer simple, direct- easy to connect to the point and soak in. There also should be a level of it being appropriate of course, a minor cost for a minor infraction. Rules should exist, punishments or no, but given human nature the consequences are generally there as a method of keeping them meaningful and effective. A lot of people would defy rules simply to project a sense of authority or because it was easier or more appealing for them to otherwise. Perhaps the most important thing about a rule is that it exists for a good reason.

But people will often miss those.

For now I think I might have a tool. I'll need to research it more, but I have that link and a few others saved for reading so I should be pretty okay there. It leaves me thinking I'll want to craft a few others, of my own, though. If I understand the basic concept right, this will be a very nice start, but I can't let it be the end all. Too easy, and not really specific enough to things to feel like a permanent solution.

Hmmm.

So how else does one project control or authority when they have no physical power over another party? When they're too far away to directly deal with yourself. Assignments can exist sure, but if one refuses to do them...

Things DONE or ADDED or present are best. But it may be necessary to consider denials as well, ultimately, if those added consequences can not be administered or are refused entirely.

Dom Fishy may be my number one priority at the moment. Not for it's own sake alone though. The attitude seems to help my productivity often, and it is a good tool for the relationship and for giving Tabi a sense of assurance. She needs that, and for lack of other methods beyond those already discussed in mind... I realize at least that I should be able to come up with more if I keep within that proper mindset long enough. It's the correct direction of thinking.

A Little Lost

I have to admit that I'm never really sure which way things are headed. Typically, however, I'm not absolutely horrible about understanding which direction Tabi's mind is coming from when she moves to topics. I can't predict her hardly at all, kitten has too much brain for me and it goes all over sometimes. But normally I can follow the trail and get a decent idea, I feel like.

Today, sometimes, however, things feel like they came out of nowhere without any discernible reason.

I'm sure I can seem like that to people at times. I've had other people do that to me, where they seemed to pull a thought out of their ass and latch onto it. Normally she has a process. A complex, hyper active one often, that jumps about, but still a process. Most people do, if you stop and look into the situation a little, and you can figure out where they're getting the ideas they're getting. Today some topics sprung up seemingly from out of nowhere though and it's been making me reflect a bit on what it means. Not the topics in specific, as much as they're on my mind and worth talking about.

But what does it mean that I still cannot consistently predict her or always get a correct analysis on her reasons for things out of a few guesses once looking at a situation? Sure, I empathize with her much better and have much more insight, since we know each other as well as we do. 90% of the time it's very clear and I like it a lot. Given enough time though, and background information, I tend to pride myself on my ability to read people. Usually I'm too in things going on, naive, nice, or whatever else to try. I've never been one to manipulate people much purposely, or to politic for personal gains. So a lot of the times it's trying to empathize, understand them, plain curiosity, et cetera. And yet for Tabi, as much as I understand her perfectly...

I can't seem to READ her like I read other people. I understand a lot of her from knowing her well, yes. But that's different.

So should I be taking some meaning from this? Is it a good thing that she's at a point where I can't seem to read her? Is it because I'm too emotionally invested?

Wish I could say. Usually I dismiss these things, but today it feels important for some reason. At some point I'll have to figure that out. But today, I think, we have other things to do. Time to find out what they are.

Noms

I'm a little concerned about these today.

See, I had breakfast this morning. Not huge, but some. And after that, I eventually went out for lunch while doing my things after class, but when I got there I felt disinterested. I got a side of fries instead of a meal and ate just those. I didn't finish the entire thing. A good amount, most, but not the whole thing. Which should have left me starving since lunch is always the mealtime I seem to have my most exaggerated appetite during (assuming I'm awake early enough for it to seem like lunch, and today it did). Instead I felt kinda unconcerned and figured I'd make up for it around dinner. After all, that would save me money off my card and I could eat some good food from a less standard-fair selection.

I've been waiting on that urge to go eat, and now that it's 8 I'm concerned, and wondering if this is what it's like for Tabi those times when she doesn't eat.

It's not that I feel sick to my stomach, or even not hungry enough to want to go out to eat. I don't feel stuffed or bloated, or anything associated with killing the urge to eat. Just not hungry. Otherwise to day I don't feel any real signs of illness or depression. I've felt quite interested in things today and I've gotten a bunch of my work done. I simply... feel neutral in my stomach and without a need to go out and eat. I should anyway, but there is absolutely zero desire there and I can't figure out how to assure myself that if I got food I'd be able to bring myself to eat all of it. Hell, I'd eat her dishes at the moment because the taste on them is a treat. But the cafe has nothing I can't get any old day here, and even the buffalo chicken wraps aren't appealing to me. The only thing I'd trust in the least is fries with cheese and bacon, if only my school's cafe didn't butcher those so badly that I really haven't an interest in them either.

So...

Is this a problem? Is it only an issue if it goes on for more than one day?

I'm not sure what to think.

Usually, hunger is an appropriately large part of my day. Hnnn...

I am upset with people today.

Now as much as I generally prefer to be diplomatic rather than confrontational- especially when either way means bringing up a grievance with someone and making it get changed, why start by being aggressive and making them inclined to do it just to bother you when you could be subtle instead? Granted, my subtelty needs work and doesn't always turn out which sometimes forces the issue- right now I'm simply unhappy. I'm supposed to be practicing being bolder, more direct. Working forward. Planning and assertiveness/aggressiveness, since those typically seem to be my weak points if any. The issue here is that I can't really.

Because I'm very unhappy with Tabi's roommates.

Yesterday and now today they've made a lot of noise partying it up while she was trying to study or sleep, enough to make it impossible. But how does one deal with this? I know she won't want to since she has to live with them and so far they seem to be petty about things like that, and have generally been rude and inconvenienced her and her roommate, and even antagonized them for imaginary grievances. I REALLY want to lay a piece of my mind into these girls, even though I'd rather just kick them out so Tabi could have some piece. But how do you go about organizing a strong argument for this sort of thing? How do you anticipate people who know no logic?

Tabi is really good at debate, where as I'm not so much. Makes me wonder if I could learn some tips from her.

It's a skill that couldn't hurt.

And I can think of a lot of uses for being a strong force in an argument just now.

I have a funny habit when I RP. Have for a while, so it's not just a recent thing. I tend to devote heavily to a single roleplay, even if life of late means less so than I used to, between school and my kitten, and yet my interests while branch off dramatically. I'll be up to pace in maybe two RPs. It's not hard usually, though the splitting into many separate scenes and tendency to play them through and reach casual points or to slow down because of repeating things that've been done before. I love playing these things out. They're a lot of fun and it brings out a human side of the character. It CAN slow things down though, especially when one's attention is split amongst a number of things.

Why is it, though, that when I am just about set to catch up on this RP and start getting things rolling with one character that I always seem to suddenly start getting bursts of temptation to create a second?

I brainstorm these things all the time, but rarely stick around long enough to flesh them out- especially as I usually alter them to suit the world I put them into, so I have to decide where and how I'd RP them before I do it for too long. So why do I do this? Why keep getting bursts of ideas and urges to play them out or build them when I don't have the time to devote to making them full? ADD? Bursts of shininess and inspiration?

Then again, there's always a bit of time in things like Heaven or Hell where I feel like I'd like to try a different character archtype since I've been playing Rayner this long, or to get something with powers so I could really do combat as a light activity. Just kick back and have fun. if nothing else, powers allow such visual images and themes to be weaved, it almost seems a waste sometimes to not use any, even if it's just how things should be for Rayner.

So.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.

Must post before I think about making new characters.