Today I wussed out a little.

I didn't have everything in order to talk to them, and it was my first day settling in to Maryland again. I could have, but without things completely in order... well, honestly, I'm still scared of it. I want to get to the result, but the steps along the way...

God, the steps aren't likely to be fun. I have had some thoughts though. I'm going to check online before I talk to them- I can find the fall schedule. If I can find the Spring as well, even better. If I can find these classes online, it would be rather amazing- I could potentially finish my degree from Mount Saint Mary's from Louisiana. Never thought I'd do that, but it would be fantastic to be able to.

I also spoke to an old friend today. I hadn't heard from her in a bit too long and...

Well.

I know I'm not as brave as she is, nor as smart. We both have a tendencies of getting lost in our own heads and imaginations though, and that little part of us that really refuses to believe that the world shouldn't be a nicer place. That there shouldn't be fairness, happiness, wonder in it. Sometimes Tabi seems much wiser to the world than me in that regard- and sometimes I see a bit of that same stuff underneath. She knows better, just like me. Maybe it SHOULD, be things, but it isn't and probably will never be, can't be. But she wants to believe it can or might be. I know logically that it isn't, and so I sometimes talk dark, bitter, and cynical. A little reminder to myself to keep me balanced, somewhere between the two, lest I go tilting at windmills, or trying to take place flowers in gun barrels. There was a better example than the second one, but I couldn't find it.

But I wonder if Tabi feels that same way, when I look at it now, or if she's stronger- hurt and scarred and stubbornly holding onto that glimmer of hope, youth.

Sometimes it makes the world look so much of a brighter place.

My little guiding star.

But, past my tangent, the funny thing is that... my friend was in much the same position as me. I have trouble thinking of her as much but a genius, and while I don't know much of her home situation, she had one class she kept failing. She admitted she's been procrastinating on going back to it, to finish her degree- Yale, if I remember right. I know it was Ivy League. But she's been tight on money, living out on her own after a fight with a family she loves, but just can't live with anymore. And she's going to be moving in with her significant other soon.

...actually, depending on how well Lilly and Tabi and I all hit it off when either we get up there or her down to us, our situation could be too similar to theirs to do anything but chuckle at. The world is a funny place.

I go to bed with some hope tonight, anyway. And more happy thoughts of my kitten. Despite how it can hurt to be far away, I think... that it helps me so much more to think of how I can be close to her soon. Of what we're working for. How it's finally starting to come into sight. It might not be quite how I imagined it.

But that just means it's going to take more elbow grease to get it there.


Love you kitten.

Beep beep.

Somewhere

I'm back at the old house again.

But now, I'm not really sure when I say home- do I mean here, or do I mean back where Tabi is holding down the fort? Hell, do I just mean with her? The internet is a little buggy tonight, which is mostly just reminiscent of what I've been dealing with- so it's not as though it bothers me right now. But work is slow anyway.

I'm missing my kitten. I have lots of warm thoughts at the moment though, and fun plans. The summers... always seem exciting instead of dreary like new semesters do. I'll need to poke after work tomorrow, but I have other things to worry about.

Tomorrow I need to talk to my folks about the plan.

I think I remember a bunch of the facts about the plan. But I'm frightened. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want the lectures and panic and disappointment. But I need to take some big next steps. It's hard because... I want their help, and I want them to be a part of my life. But I don't know how to keep them from being afraid when I do that, or making them understand my decisions. They've understood so little until now... why should I be able to make breakthroughs now?

I understand them more and more all the time.

But they've yet to acknowledge any understanding or appreciation of my depression or anything else. Just getting over it... hasn't been working. I think it's been getting worse slowly. And I have to do something about it, take those first big steps from life as their kid to life as an adult. Still their son- but taking things into my own hands.

That's frightening too. But I want it all the same.

Go figure- I do like horror movies after all.

I hope my kitten sleeps tight. I do miss her, but I have happy thoughts of her right now, and they're keeping me cozy feeling tonight. I hope I can do the same for her, even from here.

I'm going to have to figure out a few more things about my kitten yet. Or perhaps, just stop being so damn dense. It does tend to be an issue of mine. Sometimes I'm spot on with a sudden surge of caution about someone. If I don't trust somebody, I can be pretty well skeptical and good about reading them- at least I think so. The issue comes when I don't feel distrustful. And I certainly trust my kitten.

So... the problem is that sometimes she doesn't think clearly. I sure as hell don't, no one does, but when she gets stressed enough or focuses on one thing agitating her it can jump to extremes. And she's always so good about telling me afterwards. Explaining and apologizing. She's warned me these things happen to.

The issue is... when they happen I tend to take it seriously 95% of the time, and forget to think what might be causing it. Things seem to get really serious and she gets very distraught and acts out or panics... and I take it all on face value because I trust her. It's part of the problem, I think. It's something she does. She's something I love. And something I need to be in control of. To dominate. But that requires either overwhelming force, or understanding. And I vastly prefer understanding and finesse, never mind the crushing iron of my usual straight forward approach to things.

So... how do I go about getting myself beyond this mistake, out of the bad habit? How do I keep emotionally attached and close to her, and give her that connection as much as she deserves... but stay far enough back to have a clearer view, and perhaps more control? How does one keep distance from something they want, maybe need, to pull close?

Not sure.

Always questions with this practice.

I'm not sure if this is one of the fun ones or not just yet. But I'd like to think I might at least have some theories before it happens again.

Tonight has been a lot shorter than I like, and unfortunately has to be.

Tabi and I had a lot to do today, and with exams and moving and the like upcoming, we're looking foward to busy. Which is frustrating, tiring, and busy. However, I'm also looking forward to my kitten. Four sleeps now. Friday is to be dubbed the Day of the Kitten.

Or the Day of the Mwahs. Or belt or the like.

I am very tempted to, given my lack of need to be up early tomorrow but to study, stay up a bit tonight. Not forever, but a bit later than I normally would. It'd be nice to do so and get to spend some extra time, as tomorrow isn't a terrible day for her either (if I remember correctly). I had wanted to watch the Red Dragon, but we can do that later. We have a trip and plans ahead of use, and I'm sure we'll want plenty of free, at home ways to relax onces we've taken care of things like tiring ourselves out on home improvement. Or sex-life improvement. Or turning her ass raw.

I've been a little too lenient on punishments the past day or two, if I think about it, but she has wracked up a nice count. My hand will probably hurt by the end, which means I'm going to need to know where her lotion is ahead of time, and to not be a baby about it. The spanking, and the lotion. My skin tends to be so dry naturally, it just feels oily and uncomfortable to have lotion on usually. Ugh.

In the mean time, I have extra meal plan money to spend. If I were holing up around here with her I think I know exactly what I'd splurge that excess on ridiculously. Ben & Jerry's doesn't tend to fly so well, however.


So: Kitten, workworkwork, kitten, workwork, sex&kitten, workwork, and movies.

Looking to the past while I do regret not taking summer classes each year and aiming to just pick a major from the get-go and graduate ASAP, I do have to admit I miss the potential of afternoon naps that could be hours upon hours and the late nights of writing and watching movies summers used  to provide when I was slacking those past years. I'm looking ahead, though.

I know kitten loves all those things too, and I'm not generally much opposed to a little bit of sharing, as long as I get to choose who I share with. <3

I have a tricky kitten. And she's been giving me lots of good help with that lately, showing me how she thinks a dominant should deal with a submissive. However, she's showing me how she thinks a dominant should deal with a very, very obedient and eager submissive. Almost broken, it seems like at times. If she wasn't so full of personality and intelligence I'd simply feel bad for her.

However, she is. Not as much so as my favorite kitten, but she passes the test. I like her. Not as much as Tabi does yet, but I do like her quite a bit.

The issue is that I'm learning how to deal with a submissive that's very submissive, not a submissive that's resistant and at times conflicted or just too upset or depressed to react much at all. I can deal with arguing with her now, over the yeses and noes. I think I keep handling it well, right down to where I kept after her about her plug and practice today. Eventually it happened, and I praised her up for it, but I also am now debating if I need to be inquisitive more before coming to conclusions or just not let myself fuss at all over such things- like how she'd not reminded me of why she was so resistant to it beyond that she didn't want to until a long while later. I believe I over reacted at first to how much it bothered her and should have pushed the matter still, even if she was good and took orders later.

Stricter- I have to imagine that's the main issue. I need to be more strict.

Do that and, well... if I keep up as she's been with Lilly at the more extremes, I'll see how long before the two together get her to behave well and get her to stop being so resistant to those sorts of orders and actions. It's gonna be a little hard to keep her on edge at a distance until I make that break through, but until then, I suppose it's going to be a case of... I don't even know the right term.

Anyway.

Time is dwindling. Less than a week.

*grins*

We've passed the point.

Less than a week left now. I think I'd feel bouncy if my head would stop throbbing. I'm excited and silly feeling, but also kind of craving a hot soak and snuggling up. Granted, that will work a lot better in a week when I have a partner in crime. Cuddly crime. In bed. With awesome kitty-pillows to squish under my head, and maybe movie time or general silliness.

So I like being a dom, yes. But when I'm not feeling well I love to be goofy and get babied a bit, sue me.

So the trick now will be to keep enough time to prepare for this and to keep everyone all full of grins and excitement and planning and looking forward, to make sure we don't get set back and stagnating or too caught up on worries to accomplish things in the meanwhile. I have to try and really make sure the time we get is gonna be good, because next week is finals. Which is gonna mean no more skimping on sleep for that week, period. It's gonna mean long periods of hard studying, though the breaks between that will be great, and I can decide when I study, just so long as I get enough time. The set my own schedule bit is kind of nice.

So, today.

Excited about next Friday.

Things seem to be looking up.

Getting ready to buckle down.

Headaches suck.

.....I'll figure out the moral of the story later.

So apparently I seem much more dominant when I'm angry. Not surprising, in many regards, it is the most forceful method, but it seems a bit brutish and simple to me. I know that's not what she needs- not only at least. But focused. Focused I understand. I don't quite get why I seem so unfocused otherwise. I do multitask a lot. But when we talk at the computer and she seems distracted or distant and I'm not getting much feedback on whatever I'm discussing with her it becomes very tempting to pop open a window to play minecraft, or read a page, or do something until her attention is back here.

And now that I've said it flat out like that I know what I need to do, honestly- get mad. Or at least forceful. Demand her attention. MAKE her give it.

It always seems like that fails. And honestly, it's part of my issue in fixing my personality. I seem to get discouraged and decide I'll punish her later, or figure out what she's up to that's important or such, rather than just MAKING her look and then figuring it out.

That might be the one big thing I need to fix. It feels like it should be a team effort, but if I'm in charge, and she'll do these things if I damn well go in believing I can make her with just a few words put right, then I guess that's how the team works. Not fix it later. Not regard the issue. Because she's easily distracted quite often and gets caught in her own head. If I was right there it'd feel natural. The use of presence is important. And while I haven't done it yet lately, not in person, but when I am in this position it's getting to where I really do feel like that dominating figure, like I could fill the room and take charge and all of the like.

This trip really is gonna be a test in a lot of ways.

But I'm hoping it'll be tons of fun as well. If it comes naturally enough that I can pound it out without giving myself worries or headaches or feeling like a trial... then I can sit confident knowing that I am where I need to be and that other problems can and will be fixed in a timely manner. It's all little things if I get there. I think... if I really get there, I hope at least, a lot of life will begin one by one to look like little things.


I still can't believe how real this feels to me. Sometimes I feel the same, even when I'm like this, but other times... am I the same person I was a year ago? Six months?

Is this still Aaron?

How am I the same but so different?


Life moves fast sometimes. I suppose you already know what they say about when it does so.

Seven sleeps. <3

Countdown

Eight sleeps.

I think it's about to hit me.

It's starting to seem real today, enough to be a little distracting (which means I'm gonna need to set myself up with some real study practices and be ready to lock myself up and buckle down with music and whatever it takes to keep my eyes on the books) which probably means that tomorrow has a good chance of being the day.

The expect-massive bouncing, wiggling, and jumping. Plus laughing. That kind of hitting me. I'm a little intimidated about going for round two with the space monsters, even after my tutorial on how to take them down today. And there will be work to do, but mostly I'm excited. How can I not look forward to it? Wiggling giggling madness.

Which means I have one other job to do.

I need to buckle down on myself tomorrow and start meditating some on just how I'm going to keep my head about me and keep working the dom-fishy into instinct while in this kind of child-like excitement. It's getting better. It's not exactly second nature right now, but I can feel it starting to make a difference and come easier and easier. The main problem with it seems to come when I can't make myself think. If I can, it works great, ESPECIALLY when I'm up in arms with a bit of a bad mood or feeling.... let's say "hungry". These headaches that seem more of a loss of ability to collect a concentrated or material thought seem to be the bane of me though, above and beyond actual head pains.

I'll need to figure out what to do about them in general. And maybe working dom-fishy to work even during them is the way to go about it.

When is finding the right word just not worth it?

I've been making a point of doing some writing between studying to keep myself sane today. Specifically, on a group project around the interwebz. I got that creative burst for some reason- it seems to be petering off a little, but it made it both harder to concentrate, and more motivating to get my work done. Which is... an odd combination, but it seemed to work out okay. The problem is I got to writing and I kept finding that while I liked what I was saying I wasn't saying it quite... right.

Tabi will understand. The right words are important for a writer. One right word in the right place can have more impact and guide the idea or scene you're painting better than a whole sentence. Hell, it beats out a whole paragraph even in respects to thought flow and the like.

The problem was I could never get quite the right word. Quite the right sentence structure. It was... frustrating.

Not unusual to me, but frustrating.

At what point is it just not worth spending anymore time focusing on crafting your writing? Is it better to just have it done and assume you'll eventually make yourself come back than to throw more and more time at something with lesser output for it?

I think I do need to learn to move on without it a bit more.

Unrelatedly, Tabi bonked her head pretty good today it wounds like. I'm not sure how, but I feel terrible for my kitten and I'm now wracking my brain for no apparent reason over an injury that is clearly not threatening, just painful and unfortunate, trying to remember first aid rules from Boy Scouts.

ADD brain is a bit ADD.

I've seen more "Obama Bin Laden" typoes or misspeaks in the past two days than I can even begin to know what to say about.

So... we'll leave that at that.

For future reference, yesterday the news all came out with huge stories and updates, that only were able to hit full swing today, claiming that Osama Bin Laden had been killed in a bombing within the past week, and DNA results had confirmed the kill. I found myself much less skeptical than I had expected to find myself being, as much as the idea of them DNA checking every look-alike corpse or captive seems quite far fetched to me. If there was an element of this story where they'd been tipped off and suspected they had him when they hit the location, I haven't heard that story yet.

My main issue, however, is with the reactions.

One man has been killed. And all over, I'm hearing people celebrating, and cracking jokes. I've even heard things said about the "end of the war on terror" and the like. And as I listen to it all... I'm not sure when the last time I've been nervous about the insurgent activity the way I am now was. Especially for a good friend overseas right now- I've been worried for him in general, but never really gotten a chill thinking about it like now. Honestly, it keeps crossing my mind over and over- I hope to God that the folks in our military, up high as well as down low, are not even letting this kind of hype going on here cross their minds. This man may have been a symbol, but it's not as if we're playing a game of chess where we've knocked over the king and now everything that's left is safe.

My honest-to-god worry is that things are going to get a good deal worse because of the publication of this kill in the near future. These people are not fighting for him. Maybe it'll crush the spirits of some. Maybe it'll cripple some of the more organized attacks in the long run. But I'm concerned it'll be like kicking a nest of vengeful, self-righteous hornets with explosives packed in their stingers. Vengeance, or a hurrah to show they're not done. Or to honor him. Honestly, for every one reason I see why this could mean a lot more safety and quiet, I see two saying that it's gonna shake things up.

I'm a very spiritual person, but not necessarily religious. I'm praying for him though.

Not too long before he gets some time at home. Hoping all goes safe and smooth for them. They deserve it.

Double Duty

I hate realizing I've forgotten one of these.

Usually it's after days where Tabi and I either have a big fight- or on which we're very busy. Last night, we were very... busy. Today we had a different kind of busy. After a very nice chance to sleep in, we got started late, and then napped a bit more, and then got started later. It's been a productive day, however. I am over half down the most difficult portion of the present I'm making for her, and actually confident I can have it done in advance of her birthday enough to touch it up and make some nice finishing touches before I show it off to her- perhaps even a day or two early. I am getting excited about my progress there already.

Mostly though, I hit the gym again, for a more intense session after some solid stretching and warming up, and I'm beginning to feel ready to start counting my sets. What is up for debate, however, is if I want to go with the many large, lighter sets in order to try and burn off fat, since I would ideally like to chop off a few pounds, or if I'm more determined to spend the time working on heavy sets to bulk up, since I also aim to do some of that. At the least, I suppose I could do lighter sets over all, and do some bulk work on my arms, since they are the part of me that is honestly most in need. That and determining exercises to strengthen and ease my back muscles would be fantastic.

Further, done some work, and gotten to reading in the group project Tabi and I are helping with. Big strides there as I'm actually reading enough info to feel confident in contributing- since I like to have a full picture before crafting new parts on to a machine. I want to make sure I'm making something to make it flow smoother, or carry out functions either better or additionally- not just another random lever to get in the way.

Also, to note, yesterday begins the period of stamina training, so to speak. I will likely let myself get off once or twice in this period, but it will be largely working it and not finishing... well, jerking it, I guess.  I'm also leafing through my book on tantric, to see what it has to offer to help me out with this. I really need to get my reading speed up so I can go through the whole thing some time, rather than just trying to hunt for bits relevant to my current interests. So blueballs and frustration may abound. But I have my kitten for some fun to make that more bearable. Last night was fantastic for that. I greatly enjoyed our play, though it seemed a bit time and attention (and energy) intensive to be a daily thing while finals are going on. On times with lighter loads however....


Finally, I made a mistake as a dom today.

I put my kitten in the closet for a punishment on a subject she'd already understood and rectified the behavior of. And while I believe some punishment was necessary to enforce that she was accountable for her actions, I should have made it lighter to reward her good behavior and learning; instead I left it in full, and then allowed her to have unintended pain going through it. I know why I did this. I have in the past had problems with enforcing rules with punishment and upholding said punishment. I've been learning the importance of having a strong hand about these things so I can be taken seriously. the problem... is that I forgot how the most vital part is a CONTROLLED hand. I focused on the wrong thing this once. I apologized to her, but I owe her to do better in the future. It will make this aspect of domming more complicated and difficult than I had realized.

However, this time... I not once doubted that I was up to that challenge.

Small steps forward.