I really don't.
I don't generally like cursing, much as it carries a useful or profound effect at times, at least not heavily. I never used to curse much, and when I started several months ago, I dunno, it has irked me on and off since even though I've never minded others cursing. And now I've been trying to quit, but hell if I don't wish I knew double the list so I could just unload it on myself right now. Tabi is pretty furious with me, but I don't think she has what I've got against myself right this moment. It'd be pretty damned hard to, redhead or no.
Turns out I didn't lie to her, though the way she interpreted it WOULD have been a lie, I meant something completely different. Fucking language, useful and clear and everything isn't it?
I don't know why I took the damned nap to begin with. I was tired, but why? Why not just wait until midnight? I know I wanted my eyes to stop feeling slightly unfocused and to get rid of the hint of headache so I could really enjoy and have fun with her the rest of tonight. I set my alarm on high, set it for less than fifteen minutes, and I had all of maybe 5 left when she called and I let her know I was going to be leaving to eat soon and bringing my food back to write this stupid thing while I ate and then watch one of our shows with her. And I instead apparently slept through my damned alarm. And then later on she called me and when she told me it had been an hour I had been shocked- and told her I was about to leave to and such. And no damn wonder, if it had been an hour when I'd meant it to be 15 minutes, and to write the blog post. She thought I meant to run back from eating out, but I know I meant to bring the food back to do this damned thing. Why didn't I go then? I don't even know. I don't remember it so however clear I sounded I must have been boggled. And checking my texts no wonder why. I'd been getting harassed until my box was almost full of them the whole time, and texts are usually just enough to keep me from sleeping soundly without ever waking me up. That'd be why I don't feel rested, didn't respond to an alarm right, and never woke up enough to remember any of the texts or the call or anything. And no one damned knew it was causing me problems, and I was asleep, but while normally I don't know that Tabi's "wanting to wake up enough" thing works unless you've subconsciously been concerned about it to the point that'd make me a nervous wreck consistently and distinctly, for a good while ahead of time, I am more than ready to hold myself accountable to it right now.
If these school walls weren't pieces of flimsy shit I'd be punching one of them right now, but I really can't afford that kind of money to come out of my accounts if I'm going to help us get a place and move down there and everything else. So I don't know. I'm thinking of punching the freaking floor until my knuckles get sore. I'd better write this stupid thing first or I dunno what kind of state to be typing my hands would be in. The bed is the easy option, but that just wouldn't be near satisfying enough to matter.
And why did this happen? Now? After the other arguments, when we'd JUST gotten over one and been in what seemed like a really good place? I was happy with making up. And now jiaejioaetjioetwaet;
I know if I didn't have the spellcheck this post would be half unintelligible. As it is I'm just leaving the errors it doesn't give me what I want for on an auto-correct option list. I don't care enough. I'm not in the right here, so I can't ask her to forgive me, not yet anyhow, and I can't make any argument in my defense. Fucking not being on purpose by any long shot not enough to make a difference when it's something like this that I'd have known she'd be so mad about mistake or not and I'm just about ready to pull my hair out over it. Can't seem to manage to get my voice to raise over it and hell if I know why even if I normally have that issue. But my shoulders and upper back and jaw are all tensed to hell and back and aching over it, so I can tell I'd be ready to slug someone if I didn't know that I wouldn't be accomplishing anything but being a fool by knocking my head against a wall. She really does deserve better than this. And I KNOW I'm better than this. So why it even happened I'm not sure and I can't excuse. It's enough to make me as confused and agitated even know that I actually know why and how it happened that I don't even know where this sentence was going now and I can't see quite straight and I'm just ready to slam the gibberish letters across it again or say fuck-all to all of the red underlined errors being strewn up across this paragraph even worse than the others. If I didn't already think this would be a headache to read I guess I would. I don't figure I can be an ass enough to not go back and change those at least. There. And done. Even going to bother to fix the don't's, though what kind of moron would make a spell checker not even recognize that "dont'" is supposed to be, or at least could be similar to "don't" shouldn't have any business writing this kinds of thing. That can't be an uncommon typo, and why else does it look like? Dot? Donut? The hell?
My whole upper body is going to ache like the devil tomorrow, I know that much.
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