A Long Week

It has been one hell of a long week.

I realize at this point it's been nearly that long since I put up my last blog post. Some daily bit, huh?

Well, I'm trying to get a decent write up of my thoughts on it looking back now, though it's sort of last minute. I guess the best way to really handle that, though surely far from complete is to segment it into one subject as a time as they come to mind. That's right, I'm organizing my writing via chaos. I guess it's the lazy man's system. And that... would be an accurate description. Busy, yes, but also lazy.

So this week I've neglected to do the blog. Part of that I'm sure is lack of system. I'm supposed to write it immediately after I eat, or fetch, dinner according to Tabi, once I'm done my work. I suppose part of the problem might be that I usually wind up talking to her before going to dinner, and she would probably be very upset if this was suddenly not the case and I just finished work and then hauled ass to eat without a word. The problem with this approach is I have trouble talking out loud and writing at the same time. Listening I can do if my head is clear, no problem, two separate topics. If my head is jumbled, or I'm exhausted, or talking aloud I can't really write clearly. So. Just IMs until after I write it up, correct? Easy. Probably not going to happen, it's not really a desirable change. But it might make keeping up on the blog easier. This will still fall through on days I'm REALLY sick of work or tired, or she's upset, I'm sure. Which will make it tricky, since the other issue is looking at it as work. Makes it less fun to do, more serious, and harder to address quickly. I suppose I've done that too. Also, my famous procrastination streak then immediately kicks in to save the day. In a very not-savey way. But it's trying. Don't blame it, it is totally not its fault. Probably mine. I can just see myself taking it out behind the barn and having that "I'm sorry boy, we've had us some good times" talk and never being able to go through with it once I'm done. Which I'm not sure if I should view as sick or humorous. Probably both. Sick is a little bit humorous. I guess. Works for me, in any case. To make it feel less like work I probably need subjects. I can go off on them easy enough, but I've never been one to talk about my day too long and ongoing. A lot of things are done and over with and don't stick out to me too much once they're settled, or else I want a break from them once my work for the day is over. Happens a lot. I think I might start writing myself short notes in my books during class and so forth about things that catch my mind, or that I want to analyze. Earlier today I wrote a quick once over opinion on how RPGs pan out for a guy trying to make a fan-project game based on the roleplaying a lot of us have been doing and the world it's crafted over the years. Personally, I think that world is a chaotic mess, shambles and nonsense and he'd do better with a series of games following the stories of each character in their respective backgrounds and ongoing chains of events, or else just following loosely plot that actually occurred between them. But he's not the type to listen. Ever. So, whatever, it's not like he's being paid, so while I might be exasperated with him, I can't really be upset. I just wish I knew how to do that stuff so I could do it better.

Really a shame I can't use that for a subject in one of these now that it's already written.

I've also been kinda-sorta settling a lot of issues this week. Arrange meetings. Accomplishment, but not the end of the chain. Planning a replacement phone and options and dates. Okay, good and toward the goal, but no points yet. Moving down plans. Also good. But longer off yet than I really like. It's a strange feeling. Both relieving and agitating. I suppose discouraging- if I can't finish THAT problem, it's not in my nature to want to go not-quite-finish a bunch of others. Sure, I would rather never have to work, but when I do it's my habit to try and finish things one visible, solid chunk at a time. It's why posting works, among other things. I start, and I finish. That chapter, set, post, scene, paper, etc done in one fell swoop. It's relieving and a little fun, the feeling of success. Tests are usually good for that. But it doesn't work with cliff-hangers. Good literary devices. Bad Fishy-inspiration.

Also, thank god for the spell-check function. Saving my ass on this one.

Tabi's also gotten upset at me... sorta... for being happy with me... for not being "just another guy". It seems like a "woman thing" to go and be upset at someone over something you're actually happy about, on principles you can't explain or understand. Not that guys don't feel it too, at least some of us. But I know for my part when it happens I tend to sort it out very quickly and resolve which one is stronger and why, and put that nasty aftertaste or confusion aside as soon as I can prod it enough to make it tell me what it's about. It probably has to do with that she's embarrassed and frustrated with herself over an accident that isn't her fault but she blames herself for. Apparently I was supposed to react one way that would NOT have been favorable, but it's more confusing that I'm mature about it, and thus she's all afluster. Or at least that's how it seems on a quick after the fact analysis. Never that simple, I'm sure. But at that rate I'll probably hear more about it, but I wouldn't react to it differently if a similar situation arose. It wouldn't be sincere to, nor kind, and I'd feel bad if I did. Mistakes are mistakes, and I know I'm a total clutz, so how can I blame her for one now and again?

Sooner or later I'll do something I'll facepalm over hard for embarrassing reasons and not frustration with my own stupidity (which usually for me is the reaction if only because it overrides the other on sheer volume, as I look at it in a cause-effect light) and I certainly would appreciate if she is nice and helpful about it. Do unto others, and so forth.

And no, you don't get to ask what it was. Go find some other curiosity to obsess over.

Mostly my points of concern and agitation in the week prior are this:

Feelings of lack of recognition for strives forward and suggest. I've been trying to be more open emotionally for Tabi, while recognizing how I've let this let me get mean in the past, to take out my stress on others. It's an easy approach to it, and while its honest in a very basic, human-animal type of way it's not nice, mature, or a trait I like to associate too strongly with myself. We are by our nature animals, and as a social animal we tend to be vicious, self-serving, and vindictive, especially in societies that encourage it. It's a series of easy traps to destructive, non-cooperative behavior that happens when you don't have that common enemy. We're at the top of the food chain in the US and we're all supposed to get along. But that kind of thing tends to drive humans to either stagnation, carelessness, and destructive levels of disregard, or a quick, shallow search for enemies. And is it any surprise in either case? Human beast. Look how animals struggling to survive in the wild act. To me, I find a consistency even among the non-social ones, and the predators and prey. Before you apply society, rules, personal training, and introspective thought and shaping that's where we all are. We like working together and winning. And part of that comes from a need not only to accomplish things to overcome problems or gain desires, but to destroy threats. And so if the only threat you've known your whole life is the social fickleness and cruelty of your peers in a confined social setting that drives them to extremes, cruelty, sycophancy, acting out, apathy, and other such ends to define themselves and garner that essential attention by having most of their being thrust into organized functioning groups that neglect the individual over making the whole all unanimous, identical and same- because let's face it, the school system might celebrate achievers, but it more enforces similarity and mindlessly treats all children as interchangeable by sticking all the same age and abandoning us to each others influence at an impressionable age when kids are still that human-beast as often as not- how can we not be? Is a surprise we've got fucked up issues in society? And I don't support homeschooling as the ideal solution, nor is it that simple or public school a bad thing. I just can't help but look at it and even if it is our best alternative say "is it having these consequences?"

Nothing has that many alone, but it could help.

And now you see me doing it again. I can't remember my other points, and I became a long winded, rambling, disorganized, run on sentence like this, every which way, extending my sentence artificially to make a point right now, lecturer. Blech.

Oh, yes. Time.

It keeps on slipping.

Into the future.

There isn't enough of it. Long week or not, I feel like there's never enough hours to do half the things I want to do, despite that part of me is telling me I used to do more than this in a day and have no issues. I dunno why it is I feel like I'm slowing down. What's eating those hours? Why does it bother me so? What approaches can I take to alter that sensation and try to solve it, or at least experience it differently?

Working out: I need to do it more. I've gotten complacent.

Driving: Want to. It was fun last week, and I need this licence. Scheduling is getting in the way, but I ought to do okay. Just need to figure out how I get past my distractability and nervousness on the road when I get to things like highway driving. I'm sure it's easiest mechanically, as I hear, but it's the one racking my nerves.

Also, movies. Saw a bunch. Kinda want to see more. Moulin Rouge is probably now on my new list of favorites. Kill Bill in many ways has to be, but in many ways... doesn't quite make it? The director, however much some of his scenes simply do not work for me, has made all the movies of his I've seen dramatic and different, serious and comedic, so I feel the need to award him massive respect and many internets.

And finally, because I'm running out of thoughts in my chaos canter, and because my hand is starting to ache a little from the rapid typing without breaking, I'm hungry. Mwahs.

All for my lovely kitten.

Mwah.

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