So I had never really in the past bought into the dominant/submissive thing. As far as I'm concerned all people have both a tendency to lead and to follow, though they may vary to degrees, and I'd figured the healthiest and most useful kind of person would be capable both of taking charge when they were the one most suited to do so and to follow when someone else had greater knowledge or expertise in the given area. In many regards I still believe this; being a good listener is a part of being a good leader or conversationalist, and knowing how authority and organization works does a lot to help one be a productive employee/follower who will not cause undue stress or gunk up the system. But I suppose I'd assumed a level of easy trade back and forth or duality for most parts of life, the casual and unstructured home and friends environments. I have enough tendencies of a loner that I was generally convinced that it was normal and good to be caring to the interests and needs of the others in this situation, but to ultimately act by one's own thoughts. I suppose this had the obvious problems of creating a feeling of distance and slight unease between one and the whole.
Now looking at things, I'm beginning to understand that the approach taken can affect one's mindset- and vice versa. Which makes it no wonder so many people not taught or used to leading cannot fare well under the proper circumstances. We do not help teach them methods to do so, nor cultivate any proper mental structure for it. Likewise, those who lead are often unsympathetic or blind to the ways of others because they are taught so much to focus on themselves and the way things move around them.
As much as I find my mindset has been badly set up and my life mismanaged to cultivate the proper mixture of sympathy and ambition- ambition I generally find myself sorely lacking in, at least in part because I tend to wind up focused on short term interests, goals, and fancies rather than having grand ambitions or "dreams" per say, as much as I am often captivated by the dreams of others.
And I do not mind assisting them in these.
...but there's something... not one hundred percent fulfilling about this. It's not that it does not please me, and I think it's an important part of my life. I am not good at being that first motion, the kick off in a direction and inspiration, but I feel useful being an aiding or guiding hand it accomplishing the things others set up, when they inspire me. But as much as when I speak publicly, or lead, I find myself sweating bullets and shaking uncontrollably afterwards, I feel like my time in the BSA and at Loyola have cultivated an instinct for it. When it's the right time for me to do so and I have the skills appropriate to be the one stepping up, I feel proud of my performance. It is fulfilling in a different way, also not the whole, but very satisfying and important. The feeling of control, expertise, and security. Power, but not so much a rush as a soothing pleasure of it.
Not that I don't experience a rush from power in other places, however...
The more I reflect the more I realize that I do not want this to become my life. That isn't me. It does not suit me, nor appeal to me, even if it tends to leave a surge of confidence and go-get-'em energy in its wake. No, the Man-in-Charge is not who I am. But that dominant energy IS a part of what I am, a part that I believe I underplay far too often.
So lately it's come back to me. And I need to feel it more often. I need to become it, experience it, control it, and live in it. Because I that seems the only way apparent at the moment to ingrain it so deeply in myself that it is as frequent, if not more, and natural as my... not submissive, but impartial or aiding side of my persona. Or at least, I can't help but think something like that. This has to be in my all the time, not just sometimes.
Part of me wonders if Tabi believes that it IS me in my most natural state, or wants me to be it all the time, but as much as I do adore it's benefits and am thrilled at the prospect of integrating them into everything...
I really enjoy watching the rest of the world, listening, and being there to give a helping hand or gentle guidance far too much to go and head for a point at which I feel like nothing more but one more pushy force aching to be heard and heeded.
No. Too much wanting. I do lots of it, maybe too much. What I need is to be better at being aggressive in satisfying those wants, but not blindly so, so that I can get the satisfaction out of the way and then look to that of others. And I understand leading does not even mean myself first. If anything, I believe it means myself last. So many people try and put pedestals under those in power or fame or control, and make them seem privileged places to be envied. But I DON'T envy them. I never have. If they do it right, I respect them, and maybe envy their character and ability. But not the position.
Leading is responsibility. And responsibility just feels like a part of who I am.
Some times it stresses me to hell or makes me feel like I'm breaking down or overwhelmed. Probably a sign that I take too much of it on, or that my approach is entirely wrong. I'm not the strongest person out there. I'm not as strong as other people take me for. Sometimes I can feel invincible, and push and push and push and work edging on what seems to be indefinitely. But in the end I always end up feeling bone tired, craving solitude and peace, a chance to watch and rest and spoil myself a little and recharge. Sometimes that recharge is so hard to grasp.
I don't want to give up these responsibilities. But I'll have to give up some to make the others work. To find ways to navigate conflicts of interests, that normally hurt me so badly. Steel my resolve.
It's so hard to figure out WHERE one begins about identifying all of the things that matter to them. About ranking them. After all, one's responsibility to another might be more major than theirs to others (anyone to their family, significant other, dependents, business partners, employees, or closest friends for example) but sometimes the needs of one of those important parties might be less dire than the need of one who is less close or vital. How does one rank the seperation then? How do you prepare for it?
It's asking to make a list that I KNOW I need to at least partially make so massive in scale it boggles the mind.
But should I also be looking for who has responsibility to me?
I crave things, but I suppose I don't really feel entitled often. Should I more? Do I need to make that more a part of me?
All I know is I need to start somewhere on both accounts.
I can't ever really get off the ground enough in my new self, discovery and assertiveness, bringing out the parts I'm rediscovering, unless I get a clear enough order to things to maintain some control. On the other hand, I know I couldn't' stomach cutting off too much for too long, and the more in control and in possession of my own self and power I am, the more I'll be capable of maintaining.
It's a real tight rope walk.
Something about it is... thrilling. Parts of it terrify me and make me hesitate. But it is so enticing, and every time I toe the waters something in me lets me know that I NEED this. I'm missing it more than I should be, and it's fantastic. But that power is every bit as much work as it is fun in nature.
So don't envy those in control.
Help them be worthy, deserving of that control if you can. And if they are, help them. Because if they're worth it, they'll be helping and caring for you- probably more than you ever realize.
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