Double Feature

First off, our belated blog for Friday.

It really seems like there's nothing quite as volatile and easily mistaken or misjudged as good intentions. I understand getting her hopes up. She reacts to it so vastly differently than I do, so I believe I need to drill that through my head so I don't make the same mistakes so much. But getting one's hopes up can be a disappointing experience. I usually am willing to still give credit for the effort, and to take promises with a grain of salt, but I can see where one could be upset over hoping for something and not getting it, regardless of whether it be a discussed possibility or indirect promise or what have you. So I think the first issue might be restraining my big, fat mouth and saying less- doing more. I try to do enough, but maybe not saying so much will give me a little more time and effort for the real work. I also need to be more open about when things are going wrong. Not how I would have reacted but I suppose as ever I understand where she reacted the way she did. You'd think you'd get to know someone faster than that, but I think my issue is absentmindedness. I get distracted by fancy and inspiration and don't stop to do the practical once-over look and consider the ways she's different a lot of times when I'm into these things.

At least I seem good at working with those differences when I CAN make myself stop and think. Which is probably the other thing I need to do more of. I don't like fights, no matter what they're over.


And now for the rest.


Right now my number one concern is my own wellbeing. This one, I need to work on, but the wellbeing of oneself and their immediate priorities should always be the top. For this, I'll need to start going to the gym more, regulating my schedule more. These things won't be fixes, but a shift in mindset and structure hopefully. I believe that is what I need most. Start living it. Further, to start asking questions of Tabi and trying to help get her excited and doing it with me. I'm sure either one of us doing so will help the other, and she enjoys structure. A good step forward for each of us.

Secondly, I need to start working on my schoolwork. I've been putting effort into it, but I feel unspirited and not as productive as I should be. This is infuriating, and part of it makes me feel like I'm just not as intelligent as I used to be. As I analyze it more and more, however, I believe that a part of what I need to do here is to get interested again. I've excelled more when I took curiosity in the classes, but now even though I'm still a student I think I've begun to feel like there's so much going on in my life that I am not interested in the classes next to it all anymore. That they are just noise to get me there. If I want to really excel in the coming end of this semester I need to figure out what gets me interested normally, and what part of the summer's structure helped keep me enthused, and then push myself to emulate these and step up my work there.

After this, I think I know what my priority is.

I need to graduate so that I can seek jobs with that extra college backing behind me, since my primary goal is to locate some kind of long term employment with good pay and benefits. Even if I do not stick with one permanently getting into an industry will help me learn the workplace and let me learn what sort of work I do or do not care to do for the long haul. In this regard I need to revisit my old resume work. I need to stop taking my job search with a "preparation" outlook and start making efforts to very actively pursue my possibilities one at a time and see how they can be fleshed or fulled out. I need to look for at least one in Maryland, buy my priority is to find opportunities and apply in Louisiana. Income will be nice, but my primary concerns in this regard are the job's BENEFITS and the type of work. I'd rather have medical covered than get a bit of extra money I could put towards it, even if money won't be abundant at first, and we're not too often in need of doctor's visits. Tabi is not a spouse (yet) or dependent, so I can't count on them applying to her for the time being unfortunately. We'll want to see what possibilities are open to her.

In the future, while the wellbeing of my family will be a major concern, I need to act more to give them confidence- and I think it needs to be said that at this point I believe a part of this will include upsetting them and making them worry in the short term.

My intention is to move down to Louisiana as soon as I graduate. Barring academic disaster, August. Should I have issues, I will have to make an additional priority- if I can make up a final single class at SELU, then THAT is my preference and I will have to find a way to pursue it, understanding that it may not be possible if I cannot secure funding for it outside of my parents, who may not be willing to pay for it. If I AM forced to stay, my number one priority will be to take the classes necessary to graduate and to work in the mean time- absolutely necessary that if I must do this I work- to generate income to get set for the future and support Tabi in the set up and living expenses. This is getting tangential, however. My first priority is to prepare and move down there to set up. If it comes to a conflict of interests with my family, her needs must supersede them at all times. I am rather afraid of what this may mean depending on the time of the funeral, however, there is a risk of them being very upset at some point. If it must be sooner rather than later, then it must. I would prefer to ease into the transition, but I will do as I must.