So apparently I seem much more dominant when I'm angry. Not surprising, in many regards, it is the most forceful method, but it seems a bit brutish and simple to me. I know that's not what she needs- not only at least. But focused. Focused I understand. I don't quite get why I seem so unfocused otherwise. I do multitask a lot. But when we talk at the computer and she seems distracted or distant and I'm not getting much feedback on whatever I'm discussing with her it becomes very tempting to pop open a window to play minecraft, or read a page, or do something until her attention is back here.

And now that I've said it flat out like that I know what I need to do, honestly- get mad. Or at least forceful. Demand her attention. MAKE her give it.

It always seems like that fails. And honestly, it's part of my issue in fixing my personality. I seem to get discouraged and decide I'll punish her later, or figure out what she's up to that's important or such, rather than just MAKING her look and then figuring it out.

That might be the one big thing I need to fix. It feels like it should be a team effort, but if I'm in charge, and she'll do these things if I damn well go in believing I can make her with just a few words put right, then I guess that's how the team works. Not fix it later. Not regard the issue. Because she's easily distracted quite often and gets caught in her own head. If I was right there it'd feel natural. The use of presence is important. And while I haven't done it yet lately, not in person, but when I am in this position it's getting to where I really do feel like that dominating figure, like I could fill the room and take charge and all of the like.

This trip really is gonna be a test in a lot of ways.

But I'm hoping it'll be tons of fun as well. If it comes naturally enough that I can pound it out without giving myself worries or headaches or feeling like a trial... then I can sit confident knowing that I am where I need to be and that other problems can and will be fixed in a timely manner. It's all little things if I get there. I think... if I really get there, I hope at least, a lot of life will begin one by one to look like little things.


I still can't believe how real this feels to me. Sometimes I feel the same, even when I'm like this, but other times... am I the same person I was a year ago? Six months?

Is this still Aaron?

How am I the same but so different?


Life moves fast sometimes. I suppose you already know what they say about when it does so.

Seven sleeps. <3