Today I wussed out a little.

I didn't have everything in order to talk to them, and it was my first day settling in to Maryland again. I could have, but without things completely in order... well, honestly, I'm still scared of it. I want to get to the result, but the steps along the way...

God, the steps aren't likely to be fun. I have had some thoughts though. I'm going to check online before I talk to them- I can find the fall schedule. If I can find the Spring as well, even better. If I can find these classes online, it would be rather amazing- I could potentially finish my degree from Mount Saint Mary's from Louisiana. Never thought I'd do that, but it would be fantastic to be able to.

I also spoke to an old friend today. I hadn't heard from her in a bit too long and...

Well.

I know I'm not as brave as she is, nor as smart. We both have a tendencies of getting lost in our own heads and imaginations though, and that little part of us that really refuses to believe that the world shouldn't be a nicer place. That there shouldn't be fairness, happiness, wonder in it. Sometimes Tabi seems much wiser to the world than me in that regard- and sometimes I see a bit of that same stuff underneath. She knows better, just like me. Maybe it SHOULD, be things, but it isn't and probably will never be, can't be. But she wants to believe it can or might be. I know logically that it isn't, and so I sometimes talk dark, bitter, and cynical. A little reminder to myself to keep me balanced, somewhere between the two, lest I go tilting at windmills, or trying to take place flowers in gun barrels. There was a better example than the second one, but I couldn't find it.

But I wonder if Tabi feels that same way, when I look at it now, or if she's stronger- hurt and scarred and stubbornly holding onto that glimmer of hope, youth.

Sometimes it makes the world look so much of a brighter place.

My little guiding star.

But, past my tangent, the funny thing is that... my friend was in much the same position as me. I have trouble thinking of her as much but a genius, and while I don't know much of her home situation, she had one class she kept failing. She admitted she's been procrastinating on going back to it, to finish her degree- Yale, if I remember right. I know it was Ivy League. But she's been tight on money, living out on her own after a fight with a family she loves, but just can't live with anymore. And she's going to be moving in with her significant other soon.

...actually, depending on how well Lilly and Tabi and I all hit it off when either we get up there or her down to us, our situation could be too similar to theirs to do anything but chuckle at. The world is a funny place.

I go to bed with some hope tonight, anyway. And more happy thoughts of my kitten. Despite how it can hurt to be far away, I think... that it helps me so much more to think of how I can be close to her soon. Of what we're working for. How it's finally starting to come into sight. It might not be quite how I imagined it.

But that just means it's going to take more elbow grease to get it there.


Love you kitten.

Beep beep.