A Matter of Confidence

I've never considered myself a natural leader.

If anything, I'm indecisive and don't like the spotlight. I like to be spoiled or appreciated by those I have a fondness for at least as much as anyone else, but I don't generally enjoy dictating things out unless I am in some way shape or form doing some of the hands on work myself. I'm finding more and more as I explore this dominant thing though, that it's not quite the same as being a leader for the sake of others- which is a concept I understand. I've never wanted to be a leader, but I've done it and felt comfortable with it- for a time- before. It's always been born of necessity though. A case of no one else being willing or capable enough. I'd joke that this is how Boy Scouts taught leadership- not in a direct sense so much as that sooner or later, someone is going to get sick of rubbing their hands together in well below freezing weather and start telling people who's going to do what to get the damned fire made. Usually my social phobias always kicked in once the job was done though, or I'd just find myself craving time alone to refuel my antisocial self.

I never called myself a natural leader. A few other people have, or a good public speaker, but never me.

But I'm discovering the dom thing is different from leadership in many, many ways viewing this relationship. Because it really is a much more intimate, tight relationship. A leadership might be highly emotional or close, but it's not the same. It's formal. This is... while sometimes superficially formal, much more intimate. The biggest difference, however, is that except in VERY rare instance, leadership is topical.

Someone leads a project, or a club. They lead in specific activities or locations. It's a matter that comes up to create order and efficiency within the instance, the area in which that person is most knowledgeable or comfortable and the best man to lead the job. I've had to be a leader in things where I was FAR from knowledgeable, however, and it can be done, with expert opinions that you can rely on. However, the main difference in the two begins here. Leadership has a point of starting and stopping, where as the dom-sub relationship is all encompassing as far as those two are concerned. It's intimate, but it's everything.

And I'm also finding that somehow it is... much harder to inspire confidence in it.

I need to work on a few things, including my recognition that it's all encompassing. To do that, and still be able to keep my composure as a dom, even when I have to let out emotions, including the weak or sad ones as impossible as it sounds without deeper consideration, to learn to naturally formulate my words and thoughts to it. It will be difficult, but I feel I've made distinct progress, and I'm proud. I don't feel my pride becomes an issue often, but it certainly stings a little bit when Tabi gets depressed or uncertain.

It makes me question myself in some ways. But what makes me confident is that lately, even through that, I've not wavered on the idea that I AM doing well. Not as well as I could. Not as well as I WILL do. But I'm doing well, and improving.

Now the matter of inspiring that confidence in here, and myself. The fact that I make ME more confident now, however...

Once upon a time, I didn't believe it would ever be the case.

Little steps add up, I suppose.


I'd toast to tomorrow, but I'm down a kitten and the drinks I'd need.

Not too long now though...